Thursday, January 28, 2010

iPad, youPad

If there's one thing that's fun about the gadget of Apple, it's prognosticating about new devices without even touching them. I probably won't buy an iPad, but I think it's pretty nifty technology and it will probably find a niche beyond just "People Who Buy Anything that Steve Jobs blesses." Still, even with all the info reveal, I think there's still a question of where it will fit in a consumer's arsenal of technology:

* Work - There's pretty much no way this device will work at work. Imagine modifying a spreadsheet with this sucker. Seems improbable right? If the iPhone couldn't dislodge the dominance of BlackBerrys there's almost no way the iPad will become a widely used business tool. Just not gonna happen.

* Play - The joy of the iPhone/iPod touch is that it's a proper portable and innovative gaming device. PSPs and DSs are great, but most average folks aren't carrying those around, unless they're gamers already. Will there be a whole lot of new awesome games for the iPad? Absolutely. Will people buy this sucker specifically as a gaming device? Highly unlikely. Then there's music capability. Now, it's nice that I can listen to iTunes and buy music on this tablet, but similar to a hardcore gamer, if you're a big music listener you've already got an iPod and a home listening setup (a turntable or fancy computer speakers or whatever) and there's just no real need for this device as a portable music player. it does nothing really that an iPod/iPhone doesn't already.

* Other Stuff - This vaguely defined area is probably where iPad will succeed. As a book-reader it will at least give Amazon some competition, which is a good thing. As an internet device, it will give netbook makers a bit of fright. But I think the real killer app will be something that doesn't even exist yet. The biggest benefit of this device, as many commentators have said, is that it's literally a blank slate. A well executed, innovative app could make this thing a must have device. And believe me if I knew what that was, I'd be downloading the SDK today.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Greatest Song Ever Written Contest 2010: Round Three

Here they are, the winners of the 2nd round of the These Gentlemen Song Contest! Competition was fierce, but ultimately 8 songs had to go, leaving us with just 4 brackets left in this, the Quarter-Finals. The match-ups are growing more intense, the decisions more difficult with each elimination. Who will move on to the Semi-Finals? What will be the final choice of you, the reader?

Send in your votes to TGSongContest@gmail.com by midnight, February 3rd. A champion must be named!



ROUND THREE


1st Bracket:

"Imagine" by John Lennon
vs.
"Love Song" by The Cure


2nd Bracket:

"Moondance" by Van Morrison
vs.
"Build Me Up, Buttercup" by The Foundations

3rd Bracket:

"Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers
vs.
"Wonderwall" by Oasis


4th Bracket:

"Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding
vs.
"Superstition" by Stevie Wonder

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Oh, to Be Caprican

With last week's explosive start to Ronald Moore's new Syfy drama Caprica - a prequel series set 50 years before that of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica - viewers indulged in following the unfurling family drama between the crestfallen Greystones and the stoic Adamas. Named for the capital planet in a system of 12 colonies, Caprica introduces its audience into an immersive universe where planetary origin determines one's culture or race, where religion steps beyond personal belief and into cultural imposition, and where the importance of the question, "What makes a person a person?" has only increased with the presence of technology. Fans - former and new - are ready to be the flies on the wall as these characters explore contemporary issues through trials, tribulations, and science fiction metaphors. Of course, as fans of Caprica's parent series should expect, Moore and Syfy have taken it one step further, encouraging show-fans to involve themselves and participate in the world they have created. Following the airing of Caprica's pilot episode, Syfy began an online, newspaper blog written by persons portraying fictitious news-writers from Caprica's immersive universe:


Television shows have been leaking onto the web in large and small ways - looking to stimulate their audiences past their alloted 22, 44, or 55 minute time slots. Typically, this translates into four* separate methods by which television show runners/producers attempt to occupy their audiences - viral marketing, canonical web-series, officiated websites, and open forum. However, none of these allow the audience to actively interact with their show's respective universe. By reading and commenting on The Caprican, audience members not only can read in-universe breaking news, but explore the colonial stock market, interplanetary sports, Caprican style and clothing, and even colonial politics. Commenters take on personas as if they are citizens of the colonies themselves, attacking or defending news articles and their implications. Now Caprica's audience no longer has to remain in casual observation, but can follow in a somewhat-canonical sphere. Outraged by the media's portrayal of Taurons? Should Libran finally fund its own pyramid team? Pick a planet, adopt a personality, and let readers know what you think.

Of course, what commenters say about specific plot points aren't taken as cannon, but my impression is that the articles themselves will reflect, in most respects, facts consistent with both the universe's history and the events on the show. I hope Syfy executives (and fans) allow The Caprican writers the freedom to interpret those facts with a Caprican skew (I would feel short-changed otherwise). Who knows? Maybe - someday - we'll get to see The Scorpia Inquirer or The Picon Post floating around our inter-webs and fans will get to explore the diverging view each planet's citizens have of core events in the series. Plus, who doesn't love a make-believe media war? Needless to say, it's an exciting time for television, its audience, and the showrunners themselves. While not exactly ground-breaking, The Caprican brings us just a small step closer to audiences having active influence in televised, imaginary worlds

*- I've intentionally excluded video games and wikis. While video games provide a similar kind of activity and it's arguable that forums are near-synonymous with wikis,video games are both atypical and usually non-canonical where the more dependable and oft-used wikis are typically created and maintained by devout fans - not producers or showrunners.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

WWJD?

Many of you have been keeping track, no doubt, of the Tonight Show debacle which is quickly coming to a head. As all parties involve move towards the worst possible solution for everybody, I am forced to ask myself a question that I don't think anyone else involved has bothered to consider.

WWJD?

No, not Jesus; although, he does have experience as a Talk Show host. Though if anyone is asking, my assumption is that he would either mediate the difficulties of NBC, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno through prayer and thoughtful discussion, or punish them all for their iniquities and excessive lifestyles. It really all depends on what you believe.



Second highest-rated public access show
in lower Colorado!

No, I'm talking about the OTHER J.C., one much more relevant to the conversation at hand.

Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Johnny Carson, the host of the Tonight Show for 30 years from 1962 to 1992, was in this situation once before. Many of us may not remember, but when Carson retired from the Tonight Show, he actually retired. That was the end of his tenure on television. He was seen after that only rarely - once, notably, to receive a standing ovation simply for walking onto the set of Late Night with David Letterman, and once to lift a Buick over his head in support of Krusty the Klown.



The Buick was later purchased by Jay Leno.

And his exit was far from ideal. Despite hosting the show for 30 years, many still felt he was forced out of his position by Jay Leno, who aggressively sought the role of the new host. By all accounts, Carson wanted David Letterman to succeed him, and in fact did refuse to appear on the Tonight Show as long as Leno was the host. But not once in the stretch of 13 years from his retirement to his death did he ever attempt to actually knock Leno off the air. He had his time, what was done was done.

So why can't history repeat itself? Well, for one, NBC seems intent on making terrible decisions, and two, Jay Leno is not bowing out gracefully as did his predecessor. When Leno left The Tonight Show, he immediately returned to NBC with The Jay Leno Show, which was now the lead-in to the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. In a new time slot, many people discovered what the veneer of Carson's untouchable legacy had somehow hidden - Jay Leno is not actually very funny. People began tuning out, and TVs were not on NBC when Conan's show came on.




Another victim of low ratings due to a terrible lead-in.




Now, when Johnny left, Letterman went to another network and began his own show. Leno took over the Tonight Show, and eventually Conan O'Brien filled Letterman's shoes as the host of Late Night, the follow-up to the Tonight Show. Over the years, Conan, a former writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons, found his pacing and garnered a loyal audience. He turned down several lucrative offers from other networks during his tenure because he was often told he was being groomed to eventually become the host of the Tonight Show, a life-long dream of his. A dream formed by and large because of how inspired he had been by Johnny Carson. In 2004, it was made official - Jay would leave and Conan would step in. It seemed like everything was moving along in a manner meeting the Johnny Carson seal of approval - which even his own departure did not.

Then, the network stepped in.

"The Titanic, the Hindenburg, NBC . . . manmade disasters."

NBC executive Jeff Zucker decided that despite Leno's abysmal ratings, the solution was not to, as would seem rational, support The Tonight Show and Conan, but to continue backing Jay. Leno was offered his old time slot back in a 30-minute format, which would move Conan back to 12:05 - meaning The Tonight Show would actually become the "Very Soon into the Next Day Show." Conan announced he would have no part of it, and was going to leave NBC if this took place. Zucker did not relent, and so Conan did indeed decide to quit. This move prompted many, including fellow Gentlemen Matt Lindeboom, to declare their support by stating in solidarity "I'm with CoCo."

So, What Would Johnny Do? If history is any barometer, he would retire with grace and dignity, stepping down to allow the next generation a chance at greatness. Even if he didn't agree with the choices made, he would abide by them, knowing that his accomplishments would not be diminished. He would lead a life of quiet solitude with his family, traveling and enjoying retirement, leaving his fans with a lifetime of memories to cherish. He would not instead stick around, letting the network fire his successor and put him back into the same spot he had just left.

Johnny Carson would have refused NBC's offer and told them to stick with Conan. Johnny Carson would never have accepted a new show - certainly not one leading into The Tonight Show - in the first place. And if the situation came down to what it is now, Johnny Carson would not continue to smile and pander, pretending he's a victim too, all while gleefully stepping back into the role he was supposed to have passed on to its rightful heir.

But, as Leno states himself, he is no Johnny Carson.




Tuesday, January 19, 2010

30 Tiny Truths - 13

13 - Superpowers

I have two superpowers that I know of - temporary invisibility and crowd mastery.

Let's start with the crowd mastery. Years of attending concerts and sporting events have allowed me to realize that I am very very good at moving through a crowd. I can bob and weave like nobody's business. I can get in and get out of a venue like my life depends on it, which alas it does not. But hey, if I catch an earlier metro train on a regular basis that probably adds up to like 3 or 4 extra hours of life that I could have wasted in crowds. I will use this time to cure a very curable form of cancer.

Then there's my invisibility. I can only control it in one particular situation - when I walk up to a bar to order a round, I will suddenly and inexplicably become unseeable by the bartender. This will happen whatever I do. Wave money or not wave money, give them the eye or just look at the tap, it does not matter. It takes me an unnatural amount of time to get served at bars. This power has provided no practical value to date, but I remain hopeful that someday I will somehow foil a criminal bartender trying to commit a crime and thinking (naively!) that no one is around. Sadly I still will not even be rewarded with a beer for my heroics afterward, due to my superpower.




Also, I can juggle.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Greatest Song Ever Written Contest 2010: Round Two

The first round has concluded. 32 songs went in, only 16 songs remain. From this list, you, the reader, will now decide which songs will move on to the quarter finals in the quest to be named the Greatest Song Ever Written. The fat has been trimmed, and what remains is a streamlined list of some of the greatest songs of any era.

Please send in your votes to TGSongContest@gmail.com by Saturday, January 23rd at midnight. Vote early. Get your friends to vote. Get your enemies to vote. Let your cat walk across your keyboard and hope it either votes for the songs you like or transforms you into the Freakazoid. The point is; vote!

The brackets for the second round are:



ROUND TWO

1st Bracket:


"Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire
vs.
"Imagine" by John Lennon


2nd Bracket:

"Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley
vs.
"Moondance" by Van Morrison


3rd Bracket:

"Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers
vs.
"Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd


4th Bracket:

"Moon River" by Henri Mancini
vs.
"Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding


5th Bracket:

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
vs.
"Superstition" by Stevie Wonder


6th Bracket:

"Wonderwall" by Oasis
vs.
"God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys


7th Bracket:

"Build Me Up, Buttercup" by The Foundations
vs.
"Juicy" by The Notorious B.I.G.


8th Bracket:


"Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver
vs.
"Love Song" by The Cure

Know Your Rights!

I had my first, and preferably last, small claims court experience this week. It was one of those Painful Learning Experiences that, as a new adult, you have no choice but to take part in because no matter what they tell you on your 18th birthday, no one can ever really prepare you for being completely and totally responsible for your own affairs after 18 years of being a child.

So when I was 20 years old I signed a terribly written lease to a house in disrepair owned by an unexperienced landlord not even ten years older than me. Three years and a lot of (frankly) bullshit later, we were suing said landlord for withholding our security deposit without doing anything remotely legal in order to do so.

The following is some advice to the newly adult, as a reminder that once you are an adult, you are truly an adult and your parents cannot help you where the law is concerned: ignorance does NOT hold up in a court of law.

The faulty lease in question was barely legal, and the copy we we were given by aforementioned landlord had zero dates in it. The first version of the lease had only one of my roommate's names on it. And yet we signed it, simply wanting to go to school with a local roof over our heads that wasn't completely falling apart or dangerous, misunderstanding the true power of our John Hancocks. So when we stood up in court and presented the copy of the lease we were given as evidence, and the landlord said that was not the lease he had, it was the beginning of the end for us. According to his lease signed by us, we were supposed to have been out a week before we thought we were based on when we paid rent. It didn't make sense, and it was incredibly shady, but there were our signatures on the last page.

The verdict was bittersweet because, though we were blindsided by the signed lease, the way our ex-landlord handled pretty much everything from the start was completely illegal according to Maryland law. At the end of the day the judge ruled that we owed him one month's rent and he owed us our security deposit, equal to one month's rent, plus interest.

So, To Summarize:

WHAT WE DID WRONG:
- we did not know or learn our rights as tenants under Maryland law, which can be found here: http://www.peoples-law.org/housing/ltenant/llt.html
- we accepted and signed a faulty, unfinished lease, and accepted a copy without move in/out dates.
- we accepted and signed a faulty, unfinished lease, and did not initial the other pages to ensure that they stayed the same from our signing day
- we took a few pictures of damage to the house at move-in, but they were not complete or comprehensive, and they did not have dates


WHAT HE DID WRONG:
- he did not know or learn his responsibilities as a landlord under Maryland law, which can also be found here: http://www.peoples-law.org/housing/ltenant/llt.html
- he wrote an illegal lease and preyed upon young college students desperate for housing (thanks University of Maryland) who he assumed (correctly) wouldn't know or understand their rights
- he "assumed" a date but did not invite us to a walkthrough before moving out
- he did not send us a list of damages at all, let alone by 1st class mail within the first 30 days of move-out


Know your rights, you guys. It's really worth it, because when you are so freshly an adult people will prey on you, and those who are not busy exploiting you will still assume that you are just young, and dumb, and they will not take you seriously.

In essence, you can't help your birthdate or the elasticity in your skin, but you can help being ignorant. Don't be ignorant, for your own sake.

Friday, January 15, 2010

For fans of "The Wire": Citizen Cope sings "Way Down in the Hole"


Citizen Cope, the rigid jawed balladeer of D.C. origins has released a cover of "Way Down in the Hole" originally by Tom Waits, whose gravel-gargling version you hear open every episode of The Wire's second season. I'm a fan of Citizen Cope (I even interviewed him over Skype for an assignment at writing the bio for his website. I was passed over for a publicist, boo hiss.) Cope's cover has been released as a free download (get it here while it's hot). I realized how much The Wire's theme song means to me after listening to Cope's version of it. The Wire changed how I watch television, but Cope's attempt at its theme song does nothing for how I experience it, other than to cause me to wonder half-way through: "Am I really listening to the same thing?" 

Cope's version flirts with being good, but in the end balks and bangs bland, instead. It's replete with all the Copeness of his past work, solid percussion, steady guitar, clapping for a touch of gospel, and bright if not monotone vocals.  But from one end to the other it's like staring at a long gray ribbon without the mercy of a pattern change to relieve the eyes as monotony cooly steals their exuberance for sight. I can't tell where the middle is compared to the beginning or the end.

That said, it's not terrible. It's a good song and Cope is a talented musician, so I can listen to it and enjoy it as some level. But for an artist to cover a song properly, I think they should have an insight into the piece that they want to share. Listen to Ray Lamontagne's cover of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley next to the original or Janis Joplin's cover of "To Love Somebody" by The Beegies and you'll get an idea of what I mean. 

Compared to the originals (see link to Tom Waits' original at the top and here for season 1's version), which each seem to capture a tangible desperation evinced by the show itself, Cope's is disconnected and aloof. Without carefully mapping out the lyrics for myself, I have no idea what the song is about. I may as well be reading a review of it rather than listening to it (wink wink). 

Being an artist is probably one of the most cruelly difficult endeavors one can aspire to. One must bring truth to everything he or she does in order for it to be good.  I watch Cope closely because I know he's capable of it. Just listen to "If There's Love" or "Son's Gonna Rise" and tell me there isn't some truth in this guy. I'm just waiting for that one he hits right and suddenly everyone around starts crying.

I may also be prejudiced here. I confessed that "The Wire" changed the way I watch television, so of course I'm going to strongly associate its opening song with the tone and feelings I took away from the show. Cope's insight into the song may be completely different from the way I prefer to listen to the song, so I call it aloof. Someone else may call it hopeful or soaring. You'll have to listen for yourself and tell me what you think. 




Thinking in Three Dimensions


Unless you haven't been to the movie theater this holiday season, you've noticed the recent surge of three-dimensional filmmaking. If you're anything like I am, you were slightly confused or befuddled. In fact, you've probably even mocked the concept or voiced your disgruntled opinions over the addition of cliché, 3-D gags to films that wouldn't need them otherwise. Regardless, I went to see Avatar - James Cameron's $500 billion, Dances with Wolves meets FernGully love child. Despite the option for otherwise, I decided to see it in 3-D, as my date and I figured, "might as well watch a film the way it was intended to be watched, right?"

As it turns out, good choice. Avatar was not only fun to watch (not to mention it contained the most absolutely gorgeous CGI I have seen outside of the Final Fantasy series), but it presented a multi-laden metaphor for industrialization, race relations, imperialism, and environmental responsibility. Of course, it's received a figurative grab-bag of reactions - leading one Chicago Tribune columnist to name it "this season's ideological Rorshach blot." Some critics have praised Avatar for its enriching, immersive experience, while others are put off by its "flat dialogue," predictability, and pantheistic preaching. One io9 blog-writer goes so far as to liken Avatar to a slew of caucasian fantasy pieces, "where a white guy manages to get himself accepted into a closed society of people of color and eventually becomes its most awesome member." Myself? While not "$500 billion good," Avatar was an enjoyable, eye-buffet that managed to give its audience something to think about, as well as function as a tech-sample for future, effect-heavy films. And, yes - viewing it in 3-D was an experience that I fear those who didn't have lost. For some of us, the illusion of depth really does make you feel like you're right there on the main characters' shoulders - passively watching as the Na'vi fight tooth and nail against their would-be human oppressors.

Part of what makes it work is that 3-D gimmickery has pretty much fallen to the wayside - meaning "put on your glasses now" sequences complete with a tomato flying from the screen "towards" the audience are no longer present. No more blue and red saran-wrap (although, some form of eyewear is still necessary). Instead, the shots are simply enhanced - taking choice scenes from the film and imposing an in-focus picture over an out-of-focus background. When you put on your glasses, the background shifts into focus, causing the superimposed picture to "pop" away from the background and create a three-dimensional illusion of depth. The fact that certain scenes may be selected for three dimensions, while others left alone, means that 3-D can now be adequately used to influence storytelling and allow a director greater control over the audience's reactions. While the value may not be apparent to everyone (I muse over one audience member's reaction as I left the auditorium, "Yeah, I don't know. It was, like, the same thing as seeing it normal") the consistent presence of 3-D film now presents the question: "How does the 3-D experience effect memory recall?"


A certain 2004 study (linked above) suggests yes. In a world where 3-D movies may be widely installed to prevent internet piracy, another selling point may be that playing with your spatial memory actually keeps your brain occupied enough to pay more attention and recall more of what you've seen later. The implications are obvious - studio executives and artists alike are looking to improve movies any way they can. If 3-D enhances your memory of a film, you'll remember more about it, talk about it more, probably like it more, and it'll stay in the social consciousness longer. In a world where everyone is constantly looking to the "next big thing" the longevity of the public interest in a film is certainly an concern your average, big-budget director maintains.

Of course, one could apply this knowledge to other items - like learning aids for children, the disabled, and even juries. In a world where everything is literally at one's fingertips and the average human attention span gets beat out by your garden-variety goldfish, an efficient learning aid has invaluable social benefits. If people only remember 10% of what they hear, but 20% of what they see, and 50% of both, 3-D could be just another nudge towards that 100% recall mark. Which, of course implies that soon we're approaching memory download capabilities for human beings and The Matrix is quickly becoming a reality. But, don't worry, I think we're closer to defeating the uncanny valley first - meaning that the our own robot slaves will overpower their masters and bomb us into extinction before that happens.

Thank God.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I'm with Coco


Artist Mike Mitchell created this heroic looking "I'm with Coco" image in support of Conan O'Brien's spar with NBC

NYTimes
Irritated by the proposed shakeup to NBC’s late-night schedule, Mike Mitchell, an artist in Los Angeles, sketched a heroic image of Conan O’Brien on Monday night, shaded the hair orange, and, recalling one of that talk show host’s nicknames, added the words “I’m with CoCo.”


And a viral hit was born.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Clearing House

It's a rare occurrence when not one or two, but three sports teams in a town have a chance, and good cause, to blow things up and start rebuilding from nothing. DC United, the Washington Wizards and the Redskins all missed the playoffs in their most recent seasons and all three have also had very recent coaching changes. The Caps are doing great, though.

The issue with these three losing teams is that in the current sports environment it's tough for a franchises to say to their season ticket holders, "We're gonna suck for the next three or four years, but then we'll get awesome again. We promise." This does not sell tickets or jerseys. The Redskins and DC United are both in similar territory, in that the fans expect a winning team each season, whether rightfully (DC United) or not (Redskins). DC United are absolutely in better shape. Sure the big offensive weapons are old or gone (Jamie, Christian and Luci), but there's a core of young players who can step it up and dominate (Pontius, Rodney, Jakovic, and the intriguing new signing Christian Castillo).

For the Redskins it's tougher. First there's still no consensus on poor Jason Campbell. At the very least he deserves a year with a real offensive line and this core of young but talented receivers. But the much bigger issue is, Snyder never gives a coach enough years. Gibbs only got the time he got during his second tenure because his name is Joe Gibbs, plus he retired again before Snyder got the chance to fire him. If he was some former college coach (Spurrier) he would have had at least a season less to work with. The biggest mistake for me was not giving Marty one more year. He went 0-8 and then 8-0. Has that ever happened before? I think the world deserved to see what happened the next year. Could he have flipped it and won 8 then lost 8?

The tough thing for the Skins though is that's it's just so much tougher to gut and rebuild a football team. There are so many X-Factors and so many potentials for injury that luck is certainly a part of success.

And that leaves the sad sad Wiz. Their current core of players (and I include Gil) were the most successful of my life. Look at their record over the years. They had one playoff season between the time I was 5 and the time I was 20, and even then they were roadkill to the Bulls in the first round. Theoretically Caron and Antwan should be able to carry the team, but recent history has shown that the Wizards are only decent with all three big names healthy, and even then they can't beat Cleveland in the first round ever. So without a doubt they should trade everything they can now, get rid of the big names, plus Blatche and Stevenson, and start over as much as humanly possible. The pieces currently in place will never win, and they can still get some cents on the dollar with wise trading.

Monday, January 11, 2010

On The Pantlessness

Another year, another No Pants Metro ride. I did not partake.

Now when the idea was first conceived by Improv Everywhere it was kinda neat. But now it's a yearly event and fast closing in on the world wide stature and popularity of such classic days as Talk Like A Pirate Day and "Columbus Day."

I'm not a prude, though. One sees far far far worse things at a gym, and that's often with people wearing clothes. But let me make this very clear to you, pantless folks. You are not edgy, and you're not freakin' people out. The whole idea with improv, even in it's most trite flash mob form, is that it's not predictable. Doing the same thing every year? That's really predictable.

Now, not wearing pants on New Years Eve - that would be a bit edgy. Not wearing pants to work - that would be edgy and probably ill conceived. But a bunch of folks all wearing boxers on the metro. Really now? Have you never seen douchbags on the metro after an adult kickball game? Have you not interacted with members of college fraternities? If you're in a frat, a day with pants is a surprising and unlikely occurrence.

So let's try a little harder. You have until Talk Like A Pirate Day to come up with something new and actually cleaver. I look forward to it.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

30 Tiny Truths - 12

12 - Wind Chimes - The tiniest of my truths

During a breezy day in April, or a languid Autumn afternoon, wind chimes are a charming auditory addition - a touch of Americana that makes any house just a little more charming. But that's during the daytime.

After dark, wind chimes are always unsettling. When I'm walking back to my residence late at night after a concert and hear wind chimes, my first thought is, "That's a bit eerie." Then my second thought is, "Where is the serial killer hiding?" Is he in the bushes or behind a house? Does he have a big knife, maybe he's wearing a hockey mask? I've seen this movie far too many times, and I know that I'm gonna die.

So neighbors, just keep that in mind when you put up wind chimes. You're dooming me to a horror movie death, and all for a bit of tacky noise.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Greatest Song Ever Written Contest 2010: Round One

It has begun. From our initial list, the contenders have been narrowed down to 32 songs which will compete for the title of "Best Song Ever Written."

I'd like to take this moment to remind everybody that the emphasis is on the "Written" portion. This isn't about popularity or commercial success or notoriety. This is about the quality of the work from the most objective point of view possible when examining music. Does the quality of the music supplement and enrich the lyrics, if there are any? Do those lyrics reach out across generational and cultural gaps? Could anyone, at any place, at any time, listen to this song and grasp its meaning? Will it age itself into irrelevance, or will the tune truly become timeless?

In the next 5 rounds of competition, that is what you, the reader, will decide. The contest is now out of the hands of These Gentlemen and into yours. Each week, the votes will be released and the list reduced by half until a clear winner emerges. That song will be declared the Best Song Ever Written.

To vote, simply send an e-mail to TGSongContest@gmail.com with "Song Contest" in the title line. All you need to do is list the name of the song you're voting for. No more than one vote per person, per bracket. That means this week you can vote for 16 songs, next week 8, and so on and so forth.

Now, I present to you the songs which will contend in this, the opening round of the very first These Gentlemen Greatest Song Ever Written Contest! Take the time to listen, think carefully, and get your votes in by Tuesday, January 13th at midnight.

Off we go!

ROUND ONE

1st Bracket:

"Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire
vs.
"Music Sounds Better With You" by Stardust


2nd Bracket:

"Renegade" by Styx
vs.
"Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley


3rd Bracket:

"Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers
vs.
"In My Life" by The Beatles


4th Bracket:

"Just a Girl" by No Doubt
vs.
"Moon River" by Henri Mancini


5th Bracket:

"Roadrunner" by The Modern Lovers
vs.
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole


6th Bracket:

"I Only Have Eyes For You" by The Flamingos
vs.
"Wonderwall" by Oasis


7th Bracket:

"Build Me Up, Buttercup" by The Foundations
vs.
"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey


8th Bracket:


"Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver
vs.
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson


9th Bracket:

"Love Song" by The Cure
vs.
"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!


10th Bracket:

"Juicy" by The Notorious B.I.G.
vs.
"Born In the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen


11th Bracket:

"Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie
vs.
"God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys


12th Bracket:

"Superstition" by Stevie Wonder
vs.
"Tangled Up in Blue" by Bob Dylan


13th Bracket:

"Clair de Lune" by Claude Debussy
vs.
"Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding


14th Bracket:

"Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash
vs.
"Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd


15th Bracket:

"I Want You Back" by The Jackson 5
vs.
"Moondance" by Van Morrison


16th Bracket:

"Georgia On My Mind" by Ray Charles
vs.
"Imagine" by John Lennon

Thresholds of Truth (a.k.a. Futurism, Episode 3)

I humbly propose that in the future we will reach the Photographic Truth Threshold.

We are already closing in on it, thanks to Photoshop. The PTT is the point in time at which you can no longer believe that a photograph, no matter how realistic looking, wasn’t faked, either in part or in its entirety. Specifically, it may be the point at which photographs are no longer admissible evidence in courts of law, at least not without strict standards to their origins and handling (e.g., having official chain of custody on the camera from the moment the photo was taken), because even an expert could not identify a fake any more.

Take a look at this woman. She’s not a particularly attractive woman, is she? Am I cruel for saying that? Not really, because she doesn’t exist. She’s a face created via averaging many faces to create a prototype “unattractive female face.” (The site also has prototypical male unattractive, and both gender attractive, faces, for the curious; I just picked that one because it was first on the page.) Surely it’s not much of a stretch from images like that to simply creating a photorealistic human being out of thin air.

Photoshop itself is becoming more and more accessible. Once, you would need complex tools and understanding, or at least a lot of patience and skill, to de-blemish a model’s image a magazine. Now, there’s a one-click tool that will do that for you. It’s not long before there’s a tool that identifies face structure and allows you to realistically wrinkle the skin in a photo, or move the cheekbones, or change the apparent ethnicity, or gender. Eventually, it may be commonplace for not just highly skilled graphics designers, but random shmoes like you and me, to have a program on our computers that automatically de-blemishes any photo we post of ourselves online, click-free. (The main obstacle to this right now is that, eventually, you have to meet people face-to-face...)

But the PTT is only the beginning.

Next after the Photographic Truth Threshold will be the Videographic Truth Threshold. Video is, after all, just photos in rapid sequence; it’s really just a matter of more work, realistically faking a video, plus a little understanding of make videorealistic movement. Certainly Avatar had moments of near-realism, but we’re not just talking about blue people.

To understand the technology that is going into this, watch this video. It’s kind of techno-babbly, but believe me when I say it makes sense by the end.

The implications, once this starts to become just a little bit a reality, are dangerous. Of course, if someone fakes a video of a UFO, we’ll all be incredulous (what happens if someone captures a real UFO? We’d never believe them), but if someone does something more innocuous and believable, like make it appear a person was in a location they weren’t, we could get into trouble. Presumably, if you could disguise the underlying coding or remove the traces of changes, no one would be able to tell through technological means; or at the very least, the ability to detect a fake would be inaccessible and highly advanced, so if some prankster made it look like you pissed your pants in a video, you’d have a hard time disproving the visual evidence.

Not to mention, if, say, a news network with a political agenda wants to make a point, they can fake the video. If the experts say its fake, they can produce counter-experts who say it isn’t, because, you know, they’re a news network. As of right now news networks and would-be propagandists are pretty much limited to carefully cutting and selectively reinterpreting existing documents of verifiable reality; but if they can insert a false smile at the right point here, or add someone in the background who wasn’t present there, all bets are off. Or, to take an alternative and less massive-conspiracy-theory scenario, imagine a grainy store surveillance video being manipulated.

Quick, without looking at the telltale video descriptions or comments – guess which one of these is CGI, and which one is not: Exhibit A - Exhibit B.

Of course, this only applies to visuals. Faking audio seems like another matter, but consider the advances we’ve had with ProTools and Auto-Tune, that can make a rank amateur vocalist on an detuned ukulele sound at least pleasant, if not quite like a pop star.

If the technology improves, however, and we can learn to manipulate the recorded sound waves so minutely that we can change the timbre of someone’s voice – then we’ll be in trouble.

Lastly, and most distant-future-fantastically, will be the Reality Truth Threshold. Assuming advances as mentioned in my post on brain-computer interfaces, there could eventually be a time when nothing you experience is necessarily real; someone could be screwing with your sensory input. Of course, on some level, that’s not technically different than right now – any introductory philosophy student will tell you that for all we truly know we could be brains in a vat, or inside the Matrix – and additionally the possibility of hallucination and schizophrenia cast our subjective experiences into doubt – but when we’ve observed the actualization of technology that allows the manipulation of sensory experience, it’ll be a whole different box of cats we’re dealing with. After all, the Matrix is only a theoretical possibility as far as we know at the moment, and schizophrenia can’t be artificially and intentionally induced (though a little LSD can help…), but if the technology is produced and verified, you’ll no longer know for sure when you’ve woken up in the morning that someone hasn’t implanted something in you and tweaked things just a little bit, so that whenever you step into the shower, the water feels cold, even though it’s actually scalding. You wouldn’t know the difference until your skin started peeling off. (Or the stall filled with steam.)

(I readily admit this is an idea oft-noted in sci-fi; but very rarely, as far as I am aware, does the writer of sci-fi have his protagonist in a world which is *actually* reality, but no one can be sure if it is. Always - because it's more interesting plot-wise - it turns out that it was Not Real All Along. But, if this comes to pass for you and me, it Will Be Real, but We Won't Know For Sure.)

So there, I’ve gone from near-future actual possibilities to sci-fi doom scenarios. But isn’t that always the slippery slope? Till then, have fun enjoying each other’s Facebook photos… while you can trust them.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

30 Tiny Truths - 11

11. Sports Hate (or One Day I Will Piss on Cameron Indoor Stadium) ...

Last week after watching the most excruciatingly horrible sixty minutes of sporting competition ever in my entire life ever (ever!), I resolved that I would form a band, and we would never ever tour Pittsburgh, and would give free cds to anyone who came to our shows and burned/destroyed a terrible towel.

This was not a moment of rational thought, I know this. But I really really really hate the Pittsburgh Steelers (and the Penguins too, but have no real beef with the Pitt Panthers or the Pirates). And I know that outside the context of the sport, this kind of irrational dislike would be the kind of thing that tends to lead to civil wars and other terrible things. But hating other sports teams is one of the great joys of sports. I will never ever not hate Duke. If I'm in the company of some who attended that University I will try for civility, but in my mind I will be thinking unkind thoughts about them.

And the nice thing, though, is that I'm not a lone crazy on this. For example, ask anyone who attended Ohio State what they think of the state of Michigan, then ask someone from Michigan the reverse. Then ask a Penn State alum their thoughts on the other two schools. Then get an alumni of Michigan State to weigh in. You will hear a lot of salty language, at the very least. We've named four schools and already we have enough hate to power a mid-sized city.

But some weeks it's enough just to see your team pull out a win and make it to the playoffs. And those weeks are pretty great too.