Monday, October 26, 2009


Forgive me if this is an obvious thing.

I came home tonight after seeing a really great play (Lost in Yonkers at Theater J - go check it out), directed by my mentor and favorite director, featuring a few people I like a lot and a lot of people I don't know. There was free food after, which is always nice, a chance to see a few friends and aquaintances, a moment to watch one of the actors get cornered by a cross dressing freelance music journalist in a cheerleading outfit who I sat next to during the show, and nice weather. An easy drive home and I walked into the door feeling more refreshed and energetic than I have in weeks - which is unfortunate since it was midnight.

Feeling like I had to squander the most healthy feeling and generally at ease moments I've had in awhile, I grumbled my way to the computer to check my e-mail, and then ostensibly to bed. I signed online and was suddenly stuck by a lightning bolt, bounding up the stairs and out the door to clear reception to make a phone call.

Because my friend is getting married.

And I'm so happy.

I've been feeling tremendously disappointed by people for awhile now, living and watching patterns of denial and self destruction, and slowly coming to a sad dawning realization that maybe this is the human condition. Maybe we don't know any better, and hope for more is a delusion. It's a particularly depressing way to look at the world, and one I fought against for a long time. But it's crept up on me, especially after the last two years, and I doubt it's gone away, even after tonight.

But tonight - tonight my friend got engaged. The announcement, big and bold on my computer screen sent a shock through me. The event isn't surprising, but the announcement is, and it's wonderful. I'm so happy for her. Honest to god pure joy. There have been a lot of times recently where I've heard news, and I've been 'happy' because I knew thats how I should feel, so I let it seem like I was - because that was easy and appropriate. But hollow too.
Tonight, I was beaming. Because my friend is happy, and she deserves it. Very much.

Wandering my cul de sac, I flashed back to years ago, walking through a corn field in Havre De Grace, MD, filiming a movie - listening to a girl complain about about a guy who had a crush on her. Now, they're getting married. It's amazing. On the periphery, on the fringe, I've watched this happen - witness to the major events along the way, blind to the small details, like it should be. They're not the first of my friends to get engaged, but this feels different somehow. It feels very right. It's this moment, this punctuation of showing, as she said, 'that with time anything can happen.' That you can want and work and actually receive, and then share.

I'm filled with joy for someone else, and it was only after I got off the phone that I realized I'm just plain filled with it. And how long it's been since I've felt like this about anything.

Tonight is not about me at all. Tonight is about Amanda and Javier. And the hard work, sacrifice, and dedication - the time, maintenance, caring, and effort it takes to cultivate a relationship to this level alone. Tonight is a gift for them.

And yet, they've given me this incredible gift too.

Forgive me if this is obvious, but I've only just remembered - being happy - just looking at a little red heart next to an announcement on a computer screen - is a wonderful thing.

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