Thursday, October 28, 2010

So you are coming to the 10/30 Stewart/Colbert Rally in Washington?

Herein a visitors' guide. I will never be updating it again. If you post any issues you want addressed or researched, I will wonder why you are incapable of operating the google-box to find out on your own.

So this is mainly an updated list of free, cheap, good, bad, and safe or unsafe things.

There is a Starbucks on every corner of every street in America. If you do not yet know how to use one to access their free wi-fi, perhaps you should reconsider venturing into the big, bad DC. Also, look for the enormous signs in other establishments that advertise 'FREE WI-FI!' They are a good hint.

If you come all the way to the nation's capital and eat in a Silver Diner, I will judge you. Most restaurants (which you will find every three feet in DC) post their menus in their windows. If you're on a budget, just give them a quick read and pick any one of the 800 reasonably priced delis or cafes that litter the streets. If you cannot read, perhaps you should reconsider venturing into the big, bad DC.

There are a thousand good restaurants in DC. Take a chance. Go on an adventure. Pick a restaurant at random. Then you tell me if it's good.

Safety and Mores
Please remember that you will be visiting DC on Halloween weekend, perhaps one of the most dangerous times to visit the capital. DC's population includes refugees from all sects of the supernatural mythos, as the families of these occult beasts are drawn to the corruption that seethes forth from every crevice of our little town when they are looking for a quiet vacation from the bowels of hell. Most taxi drivers and waiter/waitresses are permanent refugees from paranormal culture wars. As a rule, they would rather eat your face than discuss their origins, and they especially do not like for you to guess that they are from a neighboring sect (e.g. Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies) with whom they may have turf-war tensions. It's rare to meet anyone who will really attack you in broad daylight, but PLEASE be aware that the cover of Halloween provides them with more than ample opportunity to do so.

Many parts of DC are safe from unholy beings beyond what I will list here, but why take the chance if you aren't sure? If you are on the subway stay on the Red line between Union Station and Shady Grove, Maryland. Stops beyond this include Catholic University of America, which is well known for attracting rogue Vatican assassins looking to thin fornicators and masturbators from their midsts. If you are on the Blue or Orange line do not go past Eastern Market (Capitol Hill) toward the Potomac Avenue stop and beyond, as Southeast DC is populated by poltergeists from the Congressional Cemetery that are at the height of their power on Halloween. Stay in NW DC and points in Virginia.

DO NOT USE THE GREEN LINE OR THE YELLOW LINE. For the love of all things holy, just don't! These rules are even more important at night. The Green line is ruled by the Vampire clans, and they are in constant conflict with the Lycan tribes who lord over the Yellow line. Any civilian who takes these lines risks life and limb with every trip. I live on the Green line, so I know of the danger. One wrong step could mean a painful death at the teeth of the undead. You REALLY don't want to forget to stand back and let them exit the train. And heaven help you if you stand on the left side of the escalator. But really, why put yourself in that position at all? Just avoid the Green and Yellow lines.

There is of course nothing wrong with many other areas; but you don't know where you are, and it's Halloween, so you should not explore them. If you are on foot or in a cab or bus, stay in only northwest DC west of 14th or 16th streets or directly next to the monuments and Capitol Hill. If you cannot see any of the monuments, you are outside of the protective power cast upon them by the Founding Fathers, and you may be set upon by all matter of demons.

Again there are many other lovely places, from Columbia Heights to Silver Spring, Maryland. But you don't know where you are so you cannot go, especially at night, unless you take me with you. For I know of the evils of DC, and I pray that you do not fall victim to them as the cost of a few cheap laughs with Jon Stewart.

As a parting tip, I leave you with this comment from one of our readers who visited DC in 1998:

"While I was there I stayed in a cheap hotel and had the window open. I was on the third floor. I called home and while I was on the phone there was a baying howl and a terrifying screech as a werewolf battled a banshee. My wife said it was pretty loud and was that the TV? I told her it wasn't the TV. It was live in the street in Washington, DC, which is more dangerous than HELL ITSELF."

(That's why the politicians in DC are so corrupt, while Sarah Palin stays pure.)


David Pratt said...

This is my new favorite post.

Lynette Yorgey Winslow said...


Anonymous said...

Gosh, so glad DC is filled with such smart folks as yourself. I'll keep your post in mind when I go to the Starbucks in the middle of the Mall.

David Pratt said...

That'll be great anonymous, while you're there you'll be able to read the rest of the post!

ali d said...

You know, I thought about spelling out that this was a parody in the beginning of the post, but figured that might take away from the humor. Sorry if that estimation was no good, Anonymous.

B.Graham said...

aahhh hahaha I have to admit that I, like anonymous, didn't get this at first. But then I, like anonymous, am dumb and didn't click that handy dandy helpful link you have there at the top.

Also, Glen Beck is a tool.