Snowpocalypse Affects the Brain, Apparently

GW Parkway had a facepalm moment last week.  If you live remotely in the DC area you remember that day last week when the foot of snow hit all of a sudden, all at rush hour, and every single commuter going in or coming out of DC had a 6-11 hour commute.  (The 6 hour commutes were reserved for those lucky enough to live a mile or two from their places of work.) 

And if you were unfortunate enough to be on the GW Parkway that day, you know that it came to a complete stop until about 4am the next morning.  What you might not know is that the reason the traffic cleared up after 4am is because a lone police officer hiked two miles to the epicenter of the traffic jam and discovered one guy, stuck in the snow, who had eventually given up and gone to sleep.  So, naturally, he banged on the window, woke the guy up, pushed him out of the snow, and singlehandedly cleared up what could have become a traffic jam of Chinese proportions.

And man, A+ to that officer, because WTF everyone else.  I related this story to a coworker the next day, thinking only of the insanity of the sudden snowfall, and she shook her head and said, “These people have no survival skills.” And I realized immediately that she’s right. Because what were the twenty or so people directly behind this guy doing all that time?  Did no one, over the course of ten hours, pop their head out their window and go, Hey what’s going on up there?  Or if they did, did they see the guy stuck in the snow and go, Welp, nothing can be done there, I guess we live here now?

Seriously, what is wrong with those people.  Even in the absence of curiosity or concern for what is going on in the world around them, where is the self-preservation that bands people together as a means to an end?

The answer is, apparently, nowhere. Everyone just sat in their cars and waited for someone else to fix the issue, because ten hours in, they were still so sure it would happen.  I mean, I’m sure the people several miles back simply thought the road conditions were undriveable or there was an avalanche or a Land of the Lost-style chasm had opened up down front and they were stuck until road crews could get them out, as opposed to one idiot who decided to take a nap instead of get his damn car out of the snow.

But the driver of the offending car and the cars directly behind him?  No excuse.  It’s called being proactive. It’s called NOT being defined by the bystander effect.  It’s called common freaking sense.

Congratulations, guys. You are an entire highway of asshats.

30 Tiny Truths - 14

14. People in the DC area cannot drive in the elements.

Traffic here is bad. It's really bad. That is a given. But if the sky so much as considers a rain (or God forbid, a snow) shower, suddenly there are 3 car pileups every 100 meters and traffic is backed up for days. And as soon as the precipitation lets up, it's like it never happened. The sun shines and people once again drive like sane human beings who at one time stepped inside a driving school.

I have several theories as to why this is true:

There is something in the air.

That's not humidity, that's the vengeful spirits of slaves who were killed while first building our fair city[ies]. As they drowned in the swampy muck that would eventually become our congested, potholed street system they each shouted out, "One day there will be horseless carriages on these roads, and when that day comes, we will seek our revenge!" And it was so.

There is something in the water.

Decades of lead poisoning and simply existing near the poor deceased Anacostia River and/or Chesapeake Bay has altered our brains in such a way that, whenever we are near moisture we FREAK OUT and cease to be able to make logical choices while operating heavy machinery.

There is something in our demographic makeup.

As a swirling mass of federal cops, Virginians, college-age New Jerseyans, beltway drivers and foreign diplomats, we are the perfect storm for Mass Traffic Hysteria, or MTH as it is known in medical circles.

And then there's the good old-fashioned DC favorite:

It's a conspiracy.

Those damned conservatives/liberals/foreigners/senators/gay people and women are at it again!!!

Any of these could be true. I tend to think all of them are.

More Traffic Atrocities

Oh traffic jackassery. How accustomed I am to your ways. And it's not just the D.C. metro area either - as I drove through Baltimore City this morning trying to get to work, I felt myself filling with that familiar rage. That rage I feel when I'm faced with drivers who just won't use common sense.

I was going to comment on B's post, when I realized that what I had to say could fill up a post all its own. So (with her gracious permission) I would like to add my own little list of peccadilloes to hers:

1. Stay in your own damn lane. It's happened to all of us. We're driving along the highway, right as rain, when suddenly, traffic slows. We wait it out, wondering what problem we will face farther down the road. A terrible accident? Construction blocking three lanes? Or was it that elusive NOTHING? Ten minutes later, traffic picks up speed again, and with no reasonable explanation present, you're back on your way.

Often, that kind of traffic is the result of people who are just in too much of a hurry to stay in one lane. They see a brief opening in the lane next to them and jump into it, hoping that they'll gain that extra .5 seconds to speed ahead and make it to little Suzie's surgery 2 minutes sooner. But what does that mean for the rest of us? Typically, it means that the people behind the weaving little merger have to brake to let them into the lane. And then the people behind them have to brake. And when enough people spend their entire commute jumping from one lane to the next, trying to find the fastest moving aisle of traffic, enough brakes go on that the entire highway has to slow down. The traffic in the other lanes is going to get there just as quickly as yours is. I promise. Stop weaving please.

2. Don't wait to merge. If you see a sign (usually due to construction) telling you that the left lane is going to be closed in one mile, please, for the love of all things good in this world, don't wait to merge. Now, while traffic is still trucking along, merge (safely) into the right hand lane. Otherwise, everyone gets up to that blinking yellow arrow that tells you to consolidate into one lane, and a big ole line of cars forms as people now have to wait for a break in traffic to scooch into the open lane. And if this happens, I refer back to B's rules for merging: one at a time, folks. But really, you saw it coming. Just don't wait.

3. Don't hate on safe drivers. Okay, this one's not really a traffic rule, it's more a personal plea. I typically drive the speed limit on regular roads. When I'm on the highway, my average speed ranges from 3-7 mph over the speed limit. You might call me a grandma, but I've just found, in my seven years of driving, that this is a safe way to avoid accidents and tickets. If you want to speed, that's your prerogative. Feel free to pass me. But don't tail my bumper. (That just makes me want to slow down more.) Don't sit behind me and throw your hands up in the air so I know you're pissed. And DO NOT give me the finger or a dirty look as you pass me by. I'm the one following the rules here, buddy. If you want to break the law, go for it, but don't give me a hard time for doing what I'm supposed to.

It just makes sense. Traffic doesn't always have to be bad, and so I echo B's wish for good luck as you take to the roads this weekend.

Traffic Atrocity

DC is the 27th largest city, population-wise, in the United States. It is behind some obvious ones, like New York and L.A. (#1 and #2), and some not-so-obvious ones like Milwaukee (#22), San Jose (#10), and Columbus (#15).

Traffic-wise, however, it is a little higher. Twenty spots, in fact. DC-MD-VA beats out San Francisco-Oakland, Houston, and Detroit (all three cities with a higher population than DC) for the number seven spot on 2009's worst traffic cities list.

There are a few reasons for this, including the fact that DC is an enormous commuter city and the metro is in dire need of a circuitous route (go go gadget purple line!) in order to not be a waste of time half the time. But I think the biggest reason is a little something I like to call Jackass Traffic.

Have you ever sat in 2 hours of crawling traffic, only to get to the front and see it's all due to rubbernecking? You've been Jackass Trafficked.

Have you ever sat in the middle of the city, car idling as two lanes' worth of rush hour merges into one because one guy double parked and threw on his emergency lights so he could get a pack of cigarettes? You've been Jackass Trafficked.

Have you ever sat on the highway, watching helplessly, as scores of cars speed past you in the emergency lane only to throw on their blinker and slip in 500 feet ahead of you? You've been Jackass Trafficked.

Jackass Traffic comes in many forms and on many occasions, but the core is always this: the one jackass in the front of the line ruining it for everyone and generally contributing to the downward spiraling of the world.

Jackasses come in all shapes and sizes; some of them are foreign (read: non-Maryland) and don't know how roundabouts work. Some of them are really young and think texting and driving is a good idea. Some of them are really old and can't see over the wheel. Some of them are lost, or are in a much bigger hurry than the rest of us and therefore cannot deign to follow regular traffic courtesy. All of them are selfish and think their time is much more important than anyone else's on the road, and make traffic one hundred percent worse from their actions.

I don't know why there are more jackasses in this area than other places, but there are. So this is a plea for decency, a call for help and compassion. Please drive as if the other cars are humans with needs and worries just like your own. I bet you a hundred dollars at any point in time 65% of the people you see on the road are also late, or mad, or upset. And if they weren't before, they are now because they're sitting in traffic.

The following are some easy guidelines to follow in order to avoid becoming That Guy in Jackass Traffic:

- In merging: Let one go, then you go. If every single person on the road followed this at all times, traffic would go by so much quicker and more orderly my brain threatens to explode every time I think about it.

- Only use the emergency lane in these two situations: 1) You are having an emergency. 2) You can literally see the beginning of the off ramp you need.

- NEVER DOUBLE PARK IN RUSH HOUR. Rush hour lasts from 12pm to 8pm. Do not do it. If you hate searching for parking spots that much, take the metro. It'll take you anywhere you need to go.

- When in a roundabout, you never stop. The people who are entering the roundabout are the ones who stop.

- Go back and re-read your driving manual about Right of Way. More Jackass Traffic occurs when people don't understand the proper rules of Right of Way than I care to think about.

- When turning or on a curve, slow down for the first part and then speed back up when you are about 75% of the way through it. Do not, I repeat, do not come to a full stop with the back end of your car sticking out into the road, as if you're going to change your mind at this point. It's too late; just go.

- If you are lost, pull over. It will save yourself and everyone else a headache and a half.

- USE YOUR BLINKER. And if someone a full car's length ahead of you puts their blinker on to get in your lane, for the love of all things holy please don't speed up.

- Leave enough space between yourself and the car in front of you that, given the situation in which you have to slam on your brakes, you will not hit them.

It is ludicrous that every single day on the beltway there is at least one accident, making traffic twenty times worse than it would have been to begin with. That said, be ever vigilant of people weaving in and out of lanes, merging too close to you and tailgating. If you are in DC, dial 311. If you are in Maryland or Virginia, dial #77 and be ready to report a description of the driver, vehicle, and event. If the violator is a truck or a bus, call the Safety Violation Hotline at 1-888-DOT-SAFT.

And with that, good luck metro drivers, and God speed.