A Letter to the NFL, Halfway Through My First Season of Watching Football

Dear NFL,

I want to be paid $100 million to lose at football. If you needed me to, I could lose every game.

I’m actually brilliant at losing at football; it’s a special skill I’ve always had. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve never won a football game in my life. I’m 5’3” and at least a little bit out of shape, so if I was drafted, I would be sure to get injured almost immediately. I could sit out of practices because of my injury, and then I’d really be set to lose beautifully come game day. I don’t even know all the rules so you would be sure to get lots of yellow flags on my behalf. I could break rules, step outside lines, excessively celebrate, and fumble like the pros.

I’m especially good at fumbling; that’s where my true genius lies. The ball would never touch my hands if I had anything to do with it, and if it did I would make sure it slipped out of my fingers before I ever hit the ground. I would give back to the fans, too: I would make sure to wear giant diamond earrings while on the field to prove to my viewing public that I’m spending my $100 million well. If there is anything I can do better than lose at football, which I highly doubt there is, it is spend money.

So NFL, if you’re looking to draft a player who can lose beautifully and gracelessly, for I’m also no amateur at the well-placed tantrum, and who can spend all of my money before you unceremoniously drop me once I’ve gotten one too many concussions or you’re tired of the on- and off-field antics you originally condoned, then I’m your man. Or woman, as it were.

Which brings me to the selling point of a woman on the field. Imagine the hordes of fans who would buy tickets just to show up and boo! Imagine the football Barbies, the sold-out pink jerseys, the media circus! Sports journalists are bored of the 24-hour news cycle of football players shooting themselves in the leg and dog fighting. I know you’re not used to doing business this way, but just think of the dollar signs! I deserve every penny of that $100 million; in fact *I* feel a bit gypped, but I’m willing to go out on a limb for you. I’ll put my incredible losing abilities on the table for only a short time, though, so you’ll have to act fast, and preferably in the most rabid, classless manner possible. I’ll be waiting for your call.

Thanks,
B.Graham