Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Letter to the NFL, Halfway Through My First Season of Watching Football

Dear NFL,

I want to be paid $100 million to lose at football. If you needed me to, I could lose every game.

I’m actually brilliant at losing at football; it’s a special skill I’ve always had. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve never won a football game in my life. I’m 5’3” and at least a little bit out of shape, so if I was drafted, I would be sure to get injured almost immediately. I could sit out of practices because of my injury, and then I’d really be set to lose beautifully come game day. I don’t even know all the rules so you would be sure to get lots of yellow flags on my behalf. I could break rules, step outside lines, excessively celebrate, and fumble like the pros.

I’m especially good at fumbling; that’s where my true genius lies. The ball would never touch my hands if I had anything to do with it, and if it did I would make sure it slipped out of my fingers before I ever hit the ground. I would give back to the fans, too: I would make sure to wear giant diamond earrings while on the field to prove to my viewing public that I’m spending my $100 million well. If there is anything I can do better than lose at football, which I highly doubt there is, it is spend money.

So NFL, if you’re looking to draft a player who can lose beautifully and gracelessly, for I’m also no amateur at the well-placed tantrum, and who can spend all of my money before you unceremoniously drop me once I’ve gotten one too many concussions or you’re tired of the on- and off-field antics you originally condoned, then I’m your man. Or woman, as it were.

Which brings me to the selling point of a woman on the field. Imagine the hordes of fans who would buy tickets just to show up and boo! Imagine the football Barbies, the sold-out pink jerseys, the media circus! Sports journalists are bored of the 24-hour news cycle of football players shooting themselves in the leg and dog fighting. I know you’re not used to doing business this way, but just think of the dollar signs! I deserve every penny of that $100 million; in fact *I* feel a bit gypped, but I’m willing to go out on a limb for you. I’ll put my incredible losing abilities on the table for only a short time, though, so you’ll have to act fast, and preferably in the most rabid, classless manner possible. I’ll be waiting for your call.



Jstone said...

great pic choices

Max Nova said...

Brit - FTW!

Or wait, FTL, I guess?

David Pratt said...

That comment is offensive to my gypsy heritage.

Daniel said...

remember when there was parity in the NFL? me neither.

Lowballing said...

Didn't they do an all women NFL a few years back?

Daniel said...

yes. it was called "the xfl."