Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Clearing House

It's a rare occurrence when not one or two, but three sports teams in a town have a chance, and good cause, to blow things up and start rebuilding from nothing. DC United, the Washington Wizards and the Redskins all missed the playoffs in their most recent seasons and all three have also had very recent coaching changes. The Caps are doing great, though.

The issue with these three losing teams is that in the current sports environment it's tough for a franchises to say to their season ticket holders, "We're gonna suck for the next three or four years, but then we'll get awesome again. We promise." This does not sell tickets or jerseys. The Redskins and DC United are both in similar territory, in that the fans expect a winning team each season, whether rightfully (DC United) or not (Redskins). DC United are absolutely in better shape. Sure the big offensive weapons are old or gone (Jamie, Christian and Luci), but there's a core of young players who can step it up and dominate (Pontius, Rodney, Jakovic, and the intriguing new signing Christian Castillo).

For the Redskins it's tougher. First there's still no consensus on poor Jason Campbell. At the very least he deserves a year with a real offensive line and this core of young but talented receivers. But the much bigger issue is, Snyder never gives a coach enough years. Gibbs only got the time he got during his second tenure because his name is Joe Gibbs, plus he retired again before Snyder got the chance to fire him. If he was some former college coach (Spurrier) he would have had at least a season less to work with. The biggest mistake for me was not giving Marty one more year. He went 0-8 and then 8-0. Has that ever happened before? I think the world deserved to see what happened the next year. Could he have flipped it and won 8 then lost 8?

The tough thing for the Skins though is that's it's just so much tougher to gut and rebuild a football team. There are so many X-Factors and so many potentials for injury that luck is certainly a part of success.

And that leaves the sad sad Wiz. Their current core of players (and I include Gil) were the most successful of my life. Look at their record over the years. They had one playoff season between the time I was 5 and the time I was 20, and even then they were roadkill to the Bulls in the first round. Theoretically Caron and Antwan should be able to carry the team, but recent history has shown that the Wizards are only decent with all three big names healthy, and even then they can't beat Cleveland in the first round ever. So without a doubt they should trade everything they can now, get rid of the big names, plus Blatche and Stevenson, and start over as much as humanly possible. The pieces currently in place will never win, and they can still get some cents on the dollar with wise trading.

Monday, January 11, 2010

On The Pantlessness

Another year, another No Pants Metro ride. I did not partake.

Now when the idea was first conceived by Improv Everywhere it was kinda neat. But now it's a yearly event and fast closing in on the world wide stature and popularity of such classic days as Talk Like A Pirate Day and "Columbus Day."

I'm not a prude, though. One sees far far far worse things at a gym, and that's often with people wearing clothes. But let me make this very clear to you, pantless folks. You are not edgy, and you're not freakin' people out. The whole idea with improv, even in it's most trite flash mob form, is that it's not predictable. Doing the same thing every year? That's really predictable.

Now, not wearing pants on New Years Eve - that would be a bit edgy. Not wearing pants to work - that would be edgy and probably ill conceived. But a bunch of folks all wearing boxers on the metro. Really now? Have you never seen douchbags on the metro after an adult kickball game? Have you not interacted with members of college fraternities? If you're in a frat, a day with pants is a surprising and unlikely occurrence.

So let's try a little harder. You have until Talk Like A Pirate Day to come up with something new and actually cleaver. I look forward to it.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

30 Tiny Truths - 12

12 - Wind Chimes - The tiniest of my truths

During a breezy day in April, or a languid Autumn afternoon, wind chimes are a charming auditory addition - a touch of Americana that makes any house just a little more charming. But that's during the daytime.

After dark, wind chimes are always unsettling. When I'm walking back to my residence late at night after a concert and hear wind chimes, my first thought is, "That's a bit eerie." Then my second thought is, "Where is the serial killer hiding?" Is he in the bushes or behind a house? Does he have a big knife, maybe he's wearing a hockey mask? I've seen this movie far too many times, and I know that I'm gonna die.

So neighbors, just keep that in mind when you put up wind chimes. You're dooming me to a horror movie death, and all for a bit of tacky noise.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Greatest Song Ever Written Contest 2010: Round One

It has begun. From our initial list, the contenders have been narrowed down to 32 songs which will compete for the title of "Best Song Ever Written."

I'd like to take this moment to remind everybody that the emphasis is on the "Written" portion. This isn't about popularity or commercial success or notoriety. This is about the quality of the work from the most objective point of view possible when examining music. Does the quality of the music supplement and enrich the lyrics, if there are any? Do those lyrics reach out across generational and cultural gaps? Could anyone, at any place, at any time, listen to this song and grasp its meaning? Will it age itself into irrelevance, or will the tune truly become timeless?

In the next 5 rounds of competition, that is what you, the reader, will decide. The contest is now out of the hands of These Gentlemen and into yours. Each week, the votes will be released and the list reduced by half until a clear winner emerges. That song will be declared the Best Song Ever Written.

To vote, simply send an e-mail to TGSongContest@gmail.com with "Song Contest" in the title line. All you need to do is list the name of the song you're voting for. No more than one vote per person, per bracket. That means this week you can vote for 16 songs, next week 8, and so on and so forth.

Now, I present to you the songs which will contend in this, the opening round of the very first These Gentlemen Greatest Song Ever Written Contest! Take the time to listen, think carefully, and get your votes in by Tuesday, January 13th at midnight.

Off we go!

ROUND ONE

1st Bracket:

"Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire
vs.
"Music Sounds Better With You" by Stardust


2nd Bracket:

"Renegade" by Styx
vs.
"Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley


3rd Bracket:

"Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers
vs.
"In My Life" by The Beatles


4th Bracket:

"Just a Girl" by No Doubt
vs.
"Moon River" by Henri Mancini


5th Bracket:

"Roadrunner" by The Modern Lovers
vs.
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole


6th Bracket:

"I Only Have Eyes For You" by The Flamingos
vs.
"Wonderwall" by Oasis


7th Bracket:

"Build Me Up, Buttercup" by The Foundations
vs.
"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey


8th Bracket:


"Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver
vs.
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson


9th Bracket:

"Love Song" by The Cure
vs.
"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!


10th Bracket:

"Juicy" by The Notorious B.I.G.
vs.
"Born In the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen


11th Bracket:

"Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie
vs.
"God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys


12th Bracket:

"Superstition" by Stevie Wonder
vs.
"Tangled Up in Blue" by Bob Dylan


13th Bracket:

"Clair de Lune" by Claude Debussy
vs.
"Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding


14th Bracket:

"Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash
vs.
"Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd


15th Bracket:

"I Want You Back" by The Jackson 5
vs.
"Moondance" by Van Morrison


16th Bracket:

"Georgia On My Mind" by Ray Charles
vs.
"Imagine" by John Lennon

Thresholds of Truth (a.k.a. Futurism, Episode 3)

I humbly propose that in the future we will reach the Photographic Truth Threshold.

We are already closing in on it, thanks to Photoshop. The PTT is the point in time at which you can no longer believe that a photograph, no matter how realistic looking, wasn’t faked, either in part or in its entirety. Specifically, it may be the point at which photographs are no longer admissible evidence in courts of law, at least not without strict standards to their origins and handling (e.g., having official chain of custody on the camera from the moment the photo was taken), because even an expert could not identify a fake any more.

Take a look at this woman. She’s not a particularly attractive woman, is she? Am I cruel for saying that? Not really, because she doesn’t exist. She’s a face created via averaging many faces to create a prototype “unattractive female face.” (The site also has prototypical male unattractive, and both gender attractive, faces, for the curious; I just picked that one because it was first on the page.) Surely it’s not much of a stretch from images like that to simply creating a photorealistic human being out of thin air.

Photoshop itself is becoming more and more accessible. Once, you would need complex tools and understanding, or at least a lot of patience and skill, to de-blemish a model’s image a magazine. Now, there’s a one-click tool that will do that for you. It’s not long before there’s a tool that identifies face structure and allows you to realistically wrinkle the skin in a photo, or move the cheekbones, or change the apparent ethnicity, or gender. Eventually, it may be commonplace for not just highly skilled graphics designers, but random shmoes like you and me, to have a program on our computers that automatically de-blemishes any photo we post of ourselves online, click-free. (The main obstacle to this right now is that, eventually, you have to meet people face-to-face...)

But the PTT is only the beginning.

Next after the Photographic Truth Threshold will be the Videographic Truth Threshold. Video is, after all, just photos in rapid sequence; it’s really just a matter of more work, realistically faking a video, plus a little understanding of make videorealistic movement. Certainly Avatar had moments of near-realism, but we’re not just talking about blue people.

To understand the technology that is going into this, watch this video. It’s kind of techno-babbly, but believe me when I say it makes sense by the end.

The implications, once this starts to become just a little bit a reality, are dangerous. Of course, if someone fakes a video of a UFO, we’ll all be incredulous (what happens if someone captures a real UFO? We’d never believe them), but if someone does something more innocuous and believable, like make it appear a person was in a location they weren’t, we could get into trouble. Presumably, if you could disguise the underlying coding or remove the traces of changes, no one would be able to tell through technological means; or at the very least, the ability to detect a fake would be inaccessible and highly advanced, so if some prankster made it look like you pissed your pants in a video, you’d have a hard time disproving the visual evidence.

Not to mention, if, say, a news network with a political agenda wants to make a point, they can fake the video. If the experts say its fake, they can produce counter-experts who say it isn’t, because, you know, they’re a news network. As of right now news networks and would-be propagandists are pretty much limited to carefully cutting and selectively reinterpreting existing documents of verifiable reality; but if they can insert a false smile at the right point here, or add someone in the background who wasn’t present there, all bets are off. Or, to take an alternative and less massive-conspiracy-theory scenario, imagine a grainy store surveillance video being manipulated.

Quick, without looking at the telltale video descriptions or comments – guess which one of these is CGI, and which one is not: Exhibit A - Exhibit B.

Of course, this only applies to visuals. Faking audio seems like another matter, but consider the advances we’ve had with ProTools and Auto-Tune, that can make a rank amateur vocalist on an detuned ukulele sound at least pleasant, if not quite like a pop star.

If the technology improves, however, and we can learn to manipulate the recorded sound waves so minutely that we can change the timbre of someone’s voice – then we’ll be in trouble.

Lastly, and most distant-future-fantastically, will be the Reality Truth Threshold. Assuming advances as mentioned in my post on brain-computer interfaces, there could eventually be a time when nothing you experience is necessarily real; someone could be screwing with your sensory input. Of course, on some level, that’s not technically different than right now – any introductory philosophy student will tell you that for all we truly know we could be brains in a vat, or inside the Matrix – and additionally the possibility of hallucination and schizophrenia cast our subjective experiences into doubt – but when we’ve observed the actualization of technology that allows the manipulation of sensory experience, it’ll be a whole different box of cats we’re dealing with. After all, the Matrix is only a theoretical possibility as far as we know at the moment, and schizophrenia can’t be artificially and intentionally induced (though a little LSD can help…), but if the technology is produced and verified, you’ll no longer know for sure when you’ve woken up in the morning that someone hasn’t implanted something in you and tweaked things just a little bit, so that whenever you step into the shower, the water feels cold, even though it’s actually scalding. You wouldn’t know the difference until your skin started peeling off. (Or the stall filled with steam.)

(I readily admit this is an idea oft-noted in sci-fi; but very rarely, as far as I am aware, does the writer of sci-fi have his protagonist in a world which is *actually* reality, but no one can be sure if it is. Always - because it's more interesting plot-wise - it turns out that it was Not Real All Along. But, if this comes to pass for you and me, it Will Be Real, but We Won't Know For Sure.)

So there, I’ve gone from near-future actual possibilities to sci-fi doom scenarios. But isn’t that always the slippery slope? Till then, have fun enjoying each other’s Facebook photos… while you can trust them.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

30 Tiny Truths - 11

11. Sports Hate (or One Day I Will Piss on Cameron Indoor Stadium) ...

Last week after watching the most excruciatingly horrible sixty minutes of sporting competition ever in my entire life ever (ever!), I resolved that I would form a band, and we would never ever tour Pittsburgh, and would give free cds to anyone who came to our shows and burned/destroyed a terrible towel.

This was not a moment of rational thought, I know this. But I really really really hate the Pittsburgh Steelers (and the Penguins too, but have no real beef with the Pitt Panthers or the Pirates). And I know that outside the context of the sport, this kind of irrational dislike would be the kind of thing that tends to lead to civil wars and other terrible things. But hating other sports teams is one of the great joys of sports. I will never ever not hate Duke. If I'm in the company of some who attended that University I will try for civility, but in my mind I will be thinking unkind thoughts about them.

And the nice thing, though, is that I'm not a lone crazy on this. For example, ask anyone who attended Ohio State what they think of the state of Michigan, then ask someone from Michigan the reverse. Then ask a Penn State alum their thoughts on the other two schools. Then get an alumni of Michigan State to weigh in. You will hear a lot of salty language, at the very least. We've named four schools and already we have enough hate to power a mid-sized city.

But some weeks it's enough just to see your team pull out a win and make it to the playoffs. And those weeks are pretty great too.