Dear 94.7 Fresh FM,
I love your station. I really, really do. Any time I get to pick the music at work (which is rare), it's the first thing I turn on. I can sing along to your tunes all day long and never get tired of it. And that's why I hope you won't take it personally when I tell you this:
It's time to give up the ghost, because no one is buying it.
The first time I ever heard your tagline (Today's Fresh Music), it was immediately after you had finished playing "Kiss From a Rose." Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like the Seal hit. In fact, I think it's a total jam. But it was released with the Batman Forever soundtrack. That was three movies and two Batmans ago. Today's Fresh Music it is not.
It's about as fresh as my middle-school crush on Val Kilmer.
And though your loyal supporters see through the charade, but love you anyway, you're actually losing listeners by claiming to be something you're not. I've talked to more than one friend who judges you for asserting that you play "fresh" music, and then following it up with TLC's "Waterfalls." It makes them not want to listen to your station.
It's time to face the facts and own up to what you really are: a Mix station. You play the greatest hits of the 90s (remember Sophie B. Hawkins' "As I Lay Me Down"? Yeah, you play that.), the 2000s, and today. And I love you for that. So please, don't be ashamed.
Make me proud, and just tell the truth.
You're never ready for it to happen to you.
A line in the mildly amusing Bowling for Soup song "1985," about a mother who is stuck thinking all things 80s are still cool, wonders, "When did Motley Crue become classic rock?" The other day I knew exactly how that poor woman felt.
There I was, hard at work painting the set for Dancing Princesses, minding my own business. 105.9 The Edge played over the speakers of the shop, extolling its virtues as D.C.'s newest Classic Rock station. And then it happened. They played "Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots.
And it didn't stop there. Metallica. Soundgarden. Nirvana. Staind. Foo Fighters. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Lenny Kravitz? When did Lenny Kravitz become classic rock?!
And suddenly, I was old.
And dammit, I just wasn't ready for it.