Thursday, April 1, 2010

Scientists Affirm: Meteor Impact Imminent.

News broke across the globe today as scientists confirmed that a meteor the size of Antarctica will collide with planet Earth in the near or distant future. While the specific date of impact has not been determined, scientists stated during the press conference that they expect Meteor U-5XB (nicked named either "The Ragna-rock," or simply "The End") to "eradicate all life as we know it. Possibly. Maybe." Despite this foreboding revelation, the scientific community assures the public, "Not to worry. This kind of thing happens, like, all the time," and that, "If Hollywood has told us anything, we have a protocol for this sort of thing." When asked about the track record for species surviving large meteor impact, the scientific community collectively shrugged and responded by saying, "Probably? Not good," and then abruptly left the press conference simply claiming that one of them had rented a DVD of Armageddon the other day and that they "needed to study it before they had to return [the film]." While exiting the conference, one scientists could be heard stating that, "this would not have been a problem if someone had just signed up for NetFlix like they were supposed to," but remained unclear regarding who was responsible for this error.

Meanwhile, a collective manhunt is underway in search of God to "bring him to justice for causing an inevitable end to life as we know it." The alleged deity is facing charges from over fifty countries who claim God responsible for attempted murder, crimes against humanity, and treason, amongst other international crimes. Federal authorities are currently studying each one of his manifestos, written more than a thousand years ago, as evidence of his involvement. There are no supreme deities in custody at this time and the collective search has yielded "no physical evidence" as to the creator's whereabouts. Authorities also claim that executing search warrants has been problematic based on the fact that he has so many places of residence. Currently, there is no physical description of the suspect - but many predict that "he probably wears a lot of robes and has a white beard [because] he's so old." Others raise issue with the sex of the suspect, asserting that the divine being is either female, hermaphroditic, or none of the above. Despite a lack of physical presence, popular opinion claims that to know that "God is everywhere" and an overwhelming amount of people have purported "finding [God]" - all of whom are currently undergoing rigorous investigation and interrogation. Experts suggest that the deity is extremely talented at "not being seen," and that others have been known to search for years without affirmatively finding him. Religious proponents affirm to have, "known this was going to happen all along" and wonder why people seem to be so surprised. Authorities ask that if anyone has seen, heard, or is unsure of whether they have seen the suspect to inform their local law enforcement agency immediately.


B.Graham said...



Ozkirbas said...