A Match Made Somewhere

This just in - Brett Ratner to direct a film version of Rob Liefeld's Youngblood.

For those that don't know, Rob is one of the most reviled comic book artists ever. Fairly or unfairly there is an incredible hate, especially amongst the online crowd, towards anything that Liefeld touches at this point. The main reason being his inability to put ANYTHING out on time (we're talking multiple year delays sometimes), absolutely no sense of human anatomy, an affinity for gigantic shoulder pads, and obviously reusing the same art over and over repurposed for different comics. He's basically considered the poster boy for the '90s style that was hugely popular and also nearly killed the industry with style over substance, variant covers, and all flash.

Brett Ratner is the esteemed director of such films as Rush Hour 2 and X3. He is probably the most reviled man on this blog, with at least two or three posts with me or Strauss going on violent tirades that stop just short of wishing his mother had the foresight to make his father wear a condom.

I'm a douche!

And now they're together at last.
I'm actually looking forward to this in that perverse way that I enjoy picking scabs or doing karaoke to Nickelback.

Teaser for These Gentlemen: The Movie

Once . . . a man made a movie.

(Jason and David are seen exiting the theater after having seen Frank Miller's "The Spirit." Jason is shaking his head.)

Jason: That's just a goddamn shame.

David: You know what this means.

A movie that reminded Jason Schlafstein . . .

Jason: Yes. We have to kill Brett Ratner.

. . .that he'd seen another really bad movie about comic books, and the director of that movie needed to die. It would make more sense to kill Frank Miller, but c'mon, the guy did legitimately write some damn good comics. So this is about Brett Ratner.

(Jason is behind the wheel of a beat up '76 Cadillac with the top down. David sits in the passenger seat nervously fingering a .45 as he looks through the rear view mirror at their newly-acquired hitchhiker, Max Nova.)

They'll meet new friends . . .

Max Nova: So . . . do you boys like music?

(Jason and David share a worried look as they continue cruising down the interstate towards Hollywood.)

And face old enemies . . .

(Steve Bragale sits with his fingers in a pyramid before him as he traces their progress on a map of America.)

Steve: The pieces are all coming together now . . .

But through it all, they will remain . . .

(Jason and David burst onto the set of Rush Hour 4, guns blazing.)

Gentlemen.

(An explosion rocks the screen.)

THESE GENTLEMEN: The Movie.

Starring: David Pratt.

(David dives off the ledge of a building, snatching the leg of a passing helicopter and hanging on as it flies over the Chicago skyline.)

David: Get ready for some executive power!

Jason Schlafstein.

(Jason stands in the midst of a hail of gunfire, leveling his own weapon at his attackers.)

Jason: I won't die yet. The world still needs me. The world needs Heat.

Damien Nichols.

(Damien blows a thick smoke ring over Jason as he and David stand in the midst of his hazy den.)

Damien: I've got everything you need, boys. For a price.

Adam Winer.

(Adam marches through the corridors of NBC, trailed by a horde of lackeys.)

Adam: Get a camera crew out there. I want full coverage ready in 30 minutes. Someone get a copy ready. When I get to my office I want to see a report, a cup of coffee, and a redhead, in that order. Go!

Scott Maxwell.

(Scott rocks back and forth, shivering as Jason presses him for information.)

Scott: They think I don't know man. They're wrong. I know about the conspiracy. I know about Ratner. I know about the Boobs Metal Space War. It's all coming down man. In a shower of hate and blood and German death metal, it's all coming down.

Max Nova.

(Max scratches his beard, contemplating a CD rack.)

Max: There's a lot of shitty music out there, and only so many bullets.

Steve Bragale.

(Steve crosses behind David and Jason, strapped to steel chairs in a darkened chamber.)

Steve: You boys are messing with forces you don't understand. And for that you must be taught a lesson.

Dan Strauss.

(Dan stands peering out the shattered window of a Hollywood office building, James Marsden at his side.)

James Marsden: I really appreciate everything you've done for me, Dan.

Dan: No problem, Cyclops.

James Marsden: Actually my name is James Marsden, I'm an actor. I've been in several -

Dan: (Cocking his gun as he levels it at Marsden's head) I said your name is Cyclops.

James Marsden: Yes. Cyclops is my name.

Dan: Now put on the visor.

And John Ozkirbas.

(John turns to look at the camera.)

Ozkirbas: I know a lot about Final Fantasy VII.

Friendships will be tested . . .

Jason: If you go down that road, I'm not coming with you.

David: Then it looks like I do this alone.

Secrets will be revealed . . .

Adam: You think we tell you everything? You think you know what goes on behind the scenes? I could write a book with what we don't put on the air every night.

Conspiracies will unravel . . .

Scott: You can't trust anybody out there.

Damien: (bringing a gun to his head) Now that's good advice.

And the world will never be the same.

(Steve sits behind a desk, watching the hands on a clock slowly drift towards midnight.)

Steve: Time's up.

(An explosion shakes downtown Hollywood.)

This Summer

Luck is a Lady

But Action

Is a Gentleman.

THESE GENTLEMEN.

(Jason steps through a cloud of smoke, gun in his hand as Brett Ratner cowers before him.)

Jason: Looks like this will happen off-camera too.

(Gunshot)

SUMMER 2009.

"The Spirit" - Any Relation to Will Eisner's Work Purely Coincidental

Hours ago, I walked out of the movie theater, as is tradition on Christmas. I had just seen The Spirit with my good friend and fellow Gentleman, Jason Schalfstein. The events which followed bore recording for posterity.

While in the theater, I saw a film that was low on writing but high on charm. It was over-the-top, cliched, and at times ridiculous, but it was all these things obviously very deliberately. The ironic manner in which the subject was approached allowed me to enter the world of the movie with a very relaxed attitude. I thought Samuel L. Jackson was great. I thought Eva Mendez was stunning. I thought that guy who played the Spirit was dramatic when he needed to be, but also at times clever, charming, and likable. The guy who was the dad on The Wonder Years also is in it, and swears a lot.

All in all, I had a very enjoyable time. However, as I casually glanced over at Jason, it became clear that our experiences were very different. Very different indeed. I was watching Frank Miller wryly twist the worlds of Sin City, Batman, and The Spirit together. Jason was writhing in his seat, wringing his hands, and at times openly cringing at the screen. Jason was not watching what I was watching.

Jason was watching murder porn.

As Miller's snuff film drew to its conclusion and the Heat emerged, dazed, from witnessing the rape and murder of one of his most beloved comic heroes, a conversation was sparked. I will now provide a transcript of that conversation, as I remember it.

Jason: *broken, bitter weeping*

David: I liked the part with the cat.

Jason: WHY, FRANK MILLER? WHY DID YOU DO THIS??

David: So I take it this wasn't an accurate representation of the Spirit.

Jason: The Spirit is not Wolverine! The Spirit is not Batman! The Spirit is clever and subtle and emotional! That wasn't the Spirit! Why did you make this The Spirit, Frank Miller?! Why did you do it?

(Jason is at this point screaming and crying, and I am beginning to sense something is amiss)

David: I thought the movie had a lot of great moments . . .

Jason: Iron Man! Great film! I can accept some things changing! Octopus is part of Spirit's origin? FINE! The Spirit doesn't have super powers! That's what MAKES HIM THE SPIRIT! "What am I?" NO! FUCK YOU! The Spirit doesn't talk like that! I expected him at any moment to say "I'm the goddamn Spirit!" You have DESTROYED this character, Frank Miller! What did you turn the Spirit into, Frank Miller?! What did you do?! WHAT DID YOU DO?

David: So the take was not to your liking.

Jason: WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE SPIRIT, FRANK MILLER?

(Before I could stop him, Jason had sprinted the distance between the two of us and an unassuming old man in the theater, and began screaming in his face)

Jason: YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!

Old Man: I'm so unassuming!

Jason: BLAAAAAARGH!

(Unsatisfied, Jason began punching the old man repeatedly about the head and face as his grandchildren looked on in terror)

David: Jason! That's not Frank Miller! For the love of God, leave him alone!

Jason: *Pulling the old man's savagely beaten face up to see* It IS Frank Miller! Look at his face!

David: I can't! It's been beat off!

(Jason and I shared a brief laugh over the term "beat off." Jason then ripped the man's throat out with his teeth)

Jason: I HAVE AVENGED YOU, SPIRIT!!

David: HOLY SHIT!

Jason: And now to get Brett Ratner!!

(Moments later, the two of us were in Jason's car, careening down the road at speeds well in excess of 88 miles per hour. After Jason realized he had no flux capacitor and would be unable to strangle Brett Ratner while still in his mother's womb, he began seeing him in pedestrians roaming the streets)

David: Why would I get in a car with you?!

Jason: *Mowing down innocent bystanders* Take that, Brett Ratner! Why did you kill Cyclops? Do you have any idea what a trilogy is!? You can introduce new characters, sure! Lando Kalrissian wasn't in the first movie! Jabba the Hutt! BLAgaragGARggarG! (I can't tell if Jason was impersonating Jabba the Hutt or choking on his own indignation) BOBA FETT! Great addition! BUT THE HEROES ARE LUKE, HAN, AND LEIA! YOU KILLED CYCLOPS OFF CAMERA! It was so murky that I sat through two hours of movie thinking he was going to come back and save the day! BUT HE'S DEAD! Did you hate Superman Returns that much, Brett Ratner? For some backstory to that comment, Brian Singer was originally supposed to direct, but was offered Superman, and said he was going to work on that if they could wait. Then they asked Matthew Vaughn, who directed Layer Cake - great movie - and after a few conversations, he walked away. So they brought in Brett Ratner - REALLY? BRETT RATNER? REALLY? And James Marsden took a part in Superman Returns, so as punishment, they killed his character in X-Men early in the film. Somehow ignoring that it MADE THE MOVIE TERRIBLE. You start with Cyclops, Wolverine, Storm, Jean, Professor X, and Rogue. ROGUE! SHE HAD LIKE SIX LINES! WHY IS COLOSSUS THERE? WHY IS ANGEL THERE? WHY IS KELSEY GRAMMAR WEARING A FURRY BLUE SUIT!?

David: I didn't see it.

Jason: *Turning to me, flecks of blood and spittle running down his teeth* Don't.

David: You got it.

(We then pulled into the Jewish Community Center I had left my car parked at earlier. Jason's car at this point is drenched in the blood of the innocent, reminiscent of a sharkbear attack)

Jason: Remember when everything Frank Miller did wasn't completely misogynistic?

David: . . . No.

Jason: Year One? Daredevil?

David: Oh.

Jason: Well, I had a good time tonight, buddy.

David: Me too.

(We parted ways, I to go home and write this blog post, Jason to go find Tim Story and beat him to death)


And thus ends the true story of how I saved Christmas.