Friday, February 6, 2009

Teaser for These Gentlemen: The Movie

Once . . . a man made a movie.

(Jason and David are seen exiting the theater after having seen Frank Miller's "The Spirit." Jason is shaking his head.)

Jason: That's just a goddamn shame.

David: You know what this means.

A movie that reminded Jason Schlafstein . . .

Jason: Yes. We have to kill Brett Ratner.

. . .that he'd seen another really bad movie about comic books, and the director of that movie needed to die. It would make more sense to kill Frank Miller, but c'mon, the guy did legitimately write some damn good comics. So this is about Brett Ratner.

(Jason is behind the wheel of a beat up '76 Cadillac with the top down. David sits in the passenger seat nervously fingering a .45 as he looks through the rear view mirror at their newly-acquired hitchhiker, Max Nova.)

They'll meet new friends . . .

Max Nova: So . . . do you boys like music?

(Jason and David share a worried look as they continue cruising down the interstate towards Hollywood.)

And face old enemies . . .

(Steve Bragale sits with his fingers in a pyramid before him as he traces their progress on a map of America.)

Steve: The pieces are all coming together now . . .

But through it all, they will remain . . .

(Jason and David burst onto the set of Rush Hour 4, guns blazing.)


(An explosion rocks the screen.)


Starring: David Pratt.

(David dives off the ledge of a building, snatching the leg of a passing helicopter and hanging on as it flies over the Chicago skyline.)

David: Get ready for some executive power!

Jason Schlafstein.

(Jason stands in the midst of a hail of gunfire, leveling his own weapon at his attackers.)

Jason: I won't die yet. The world still needs me. The world needs Heat.

Damien Nichols.

(Damien blows a thick smoke ring over Jason as he and David stand in the midst of his hazy den.)

Damien: I've got everything you need, boys. For a price.

Adam Winer.

(Adam marches through the corridors of NBC, trailed by a horde of lackeys.)

Adam: Get a camera crew out there. I want full coverage ready in 30 minutes. Someone get a copy ready. When I get to my office I want to see a report, a cup of coffee, and a redhead, in that order. Go!

Scott Maxwell.

(Scott rocks back and forth, shivering as Jason presses him for information.)

Scott: They think I don't know man. They're wrong. I know about the conspiracy. I know about Ratner. I know about the Boobs Metal Space War. It's all coming down man. In a shower of hate and blood and German death metal, it's all coming down.

Max Nova.

(Max scratches his beard, contemplating a CD rack.)

Max: There's a lot of shitty music out there, and only so many bullets.

Steve Bragale.

(Steve crosses behind David and Jason, strapped to steel chairs in a darkened chamber.)

Steve: You boys are messing with forces you don't understand. And for that you must be taught a lesson.

Dan Strauss.

(Dan stands peering out the shattered window of a Hollywood office building, James Marsden at his side.)

James Marsden: I really appreciate everything you've done for me, Dan.

Dan: No problem, Cyclops.

James Marsden: Actually my name is James Marsden, I'm an actor. I've been in several -

Dan: (Cocking his gun as he levels it at Marsden's head) I said your name is Cyclops.

James Marsden: Yes. Cyclops is my name.

Dan: Now put on the visor.

And John Ozkirbas.

(John turns to look at the camera.)

Ozkirbas: I know a lot about Final Fantasy VII.

Friendships will be tested . . .

Jason: If you go down that road, I'm not coming with you.

David: Then it looks like I do this alone.

Secrets will be revealed . . .

Adam: You think we tell you everything? You think you know what goes on behind the scenes? I could write a book with what we don't put on the air every night.

Conspiracies will unravel . . .

Scott: You can't trust anybody out there.

Damien: (bringing a gun to his head) Now that's good advice.

And the world will never be the same.

(Steve sits behind a desk, watching the hands on a clock slowly drift towards midnight.)

Steve: Time's up.

(An explosion shakes downtown Hollywood.)

This Summer

Luck is a Lady

But Action

Is a Gentleman.


(Jason steps through a cloud of smoke, gun in his hand as Brett Ratner cowers before him.)

Jason: Looks like this will happen off-camera too.


SUMMER 2009.


Stephen said...

Not like this.

(turns to Ratner)

Not like this.

Miasma said...


Make it.

ali d said...

"Looks like this will happen off-camera too."


Also, JohnOzkirbas would just throw some random line at the camera. I bet he's wearing a goofy grin while he says it too. Crazy Turk.

Anne said...

This is brilliant! You capture my dear Max so well ...

Ozkirbas said...

I think a primary antagonist should just be a man simply known as "anonymous"

David Pratt said...

The main subplot will be saving America from an uprising of shark bears.

Ozkirbas said...

Ooooh! Can I wrestle one with my bare hands?

Jason Heat said...

I think you are the Sharkbear

Jason Heat said...

I think you are the Sharkbear

Damo said...

I need to see cameos, LOTS of cameos. And I need a watershed moment where Christopher Walken (as himself) explains via flashback the true history of modern American film, complete with revelations that Spielberg is an alien, Lucas has and always will be overrated, and Scientology is actually spot-on.

Ozkirbas said...

So I guess I'll be wrestling with my BEAR hands

Damo said...

I want the 5 seconds it took to read that pun (+ the 5 minutes it took to form a response) back!