Five Sketches in Patriotism

For Independence Day, I asked four people that I made up what patriotism means to them in 200 words or less. Here’s the outcome.

Bill Smith, retired electrician and veteran.



Patriotism means never saying you’re sorry. I proudly served my country in Vietnam and then again in the Gulf War. When I hear politicians apologizing for the “mistakes” America has made, I wonder if they understand the sacrifices people made for their freedom. Sometimes I get worked up enough to think about writing them a letter telling those good-for-nothings to shut their traps. And then I think about the fact that I have the freedom to write them letters in which I call their backbones into question. Then I try to calm down, and take an aspirin just in case. In the end, something on TNT always ends up catching my attention. So I never do write those letters.

Katie Welsh, 7th grader

A patriot is someone who loves their country. Back during the American Revolution people loved America so much they fought the British so Americans could set up their own style of governance and capitalism that generated wealth for the people of America, and not the East India Tea Company. Now, America’s grand experiment in marrying government and economics has made it the most powerful economic force on earth. Now all a regular person has to do to fight for their country is go shopping. Even in war zones our soldiers are economic warriors when they’re made buy things made only by American companies like Halliburton. While this is all coming to an end with the rise of China, I know I’ll love my country, rich or poor. So I probably won’t become a Chinese informant when they invade in 2032.

Courtney Lyle Buenaventura, Citibank Regional Manager

As an American, I have been allowed to work my way up from the bottom to be where I am today. Patriotism is recognizing that if I had been born in a place like Afghanistan or even Canada, the glass ceiling would have been set much lower, like a Branch Manager or even worse -- a housewife. While I have not yet developed the the requisite ruthless maneating qualities that will allow me to claw to the top of the corporate ladder -- bloodying friend and foe alike -- I know I will one day. America is the only country that gives me the freedom like that. Don’t talk to me about the likes of Angela Merkel -- Germany’s first female Chancellor. Socialism pampers. In the US, Merkel wouldn’t even have made Branch Manager.

Adam, College Student (Last name omitted for fear of reprisals)

Patriotism is when you stand up for that in which you believe; for example, voting for John McCain, even if you risk becoming a social pariah to all your friends who got Barack Obama tattoos. I did not get the tattoo, despite immense social pressure from my friends and peers. In my mind, that makes me a patriot. I still won’t publicly admit that I voted for McCain, but it’s Darwinian out here. God weeds out the stupid ones.

Matt Lindeboom, YMCA Member.

I’ve spent two years living and traveling in countries vastly different from my own. There were moments where knew I would never return, moments when I longed for home, and everything in between. In that time, I kept coming back to the same observation: For all its problems, America works pretty well. I think I’ll stay for a while.

Have a happy Independence Day!

Tomorrow is July 4th, right?

We were playing Foosball (as we do every single day, Feldman and I), when we heard a large crash and a bang.

We were startled! What a NOISE! And our door! Open! Could something have entered? The dire possibilities were endless! We even had to pause our game! Horrendous!

Then the dog began barking, loudly! Yapping and squealing - clearly something she disapproved of had approached. We knew this was a time for caution.

I approached, carefully, steadily. No sign of movement beyond the frame of the door. Behind our screen day, an empty space. At my feet, a pack of paper.

I reached down, and removed the rubber band.

What is it? Feldman asked with his eyes, showing curiosity.

"Well, a page of advertisements," I say, beginning the list of things in the packet. "A renter's insurance form for you, something for Loren, oooh my paycheck, ummm, something from Wells Fargo for ya?, and, tomorrow's newspaper."

I paused. I know I read that right. Did you read that right? Feldman pauses too. Then approaches. He had been reaching for the insurance forms but then, resisting hesitation, aims for the newspaper. He grabs with his left hand, as I hold the other side of the paper in my right. And we look. We double check the date. We look at the photos. We look at the headlines. We triple and quadruple check the date. Then we both say it aloud. Just, to be sure:

"It's Saturday."
"No, it's Friday."
"What's friday?"
"Today. Today is Friday."
"July the 4th."
"No, tomorrow is the fourth. We just talked about what we're doing tomorrow for the fireworks downtown. It has to be tomorrow."
"It's 2009, right?"
"Yeah. And today's the 3rd."
"I don't know, I didn't have work today. You did."
"I did. That was today, right?"
"I dunno. Where have you been all morning?"
"At work at the station."
"Well then yeah. We're trusting you then."

Well folks, from the looks of it, Tiger Woods will head into this weekend's AT&T Congressional tournament in Bethesda atop the leaderboard, the security gates to the National Mall will open at 10AM tomorrow morning (the Red Line will be running at full speeds but you should still expect delays of up to 30 minutes), and there's a rumor leaking that Mayor Fenty has hidden in a locked safe many documents proving DC has many firefighters that would not pass a background test - including many with charges on their records such as asault with a deadly weapon, and DUI's. Huh.

Sure is a strange phenomenon though, right? I mean, why would someone deliver this to us! Why us? I mean, no one here has a subscription to the Washington Post. Why would we get this?

Album of the Decade, Mk 2

I admit that the albums I selected in my first attempt were not what you might call pop albums. In my mind something like Liars is pop music, but I realize I'm in slim company with that thought. So this time I'm highlighting the catchy stuff. One of the more interesting trends of the decade had been a broader acceptance of the the mainstream by the indie ranks. Many years ago, when pitchfork would review a Kylie Minogue album it would be as an April Fools Joke. Now they review her albums the week they come out. Hell they review Ciara albums now. To a certain extent, I think a good pop song is a good pop song and a good pop album, which is certainly a rarer thing, should be savored.


Goldfrapp - Supernature
I could have gone with Black Cherry which has four of the most perfect pop singles of the decade (if you don't know, then what the fuck have you been dancing to for the past 10 years?), but Supernature is rush straight through from the first cut to the last. I've never been a big fan of closing albums with singles, but Number One is so triumphant here it's a brilliant move. (I know there's a also a bonus track, but that's besides the point.)





Friendly Fires - S/T
It was a real tossup between this and the Cut/Copy album from last year, but this album is so immaculately crafted, there is not a wasted second. Every song on here is layered, brilliant forward looking pop, but still without enough percussion and indie-funkiness to remind you that these guys probably have every Talking Heads album memorized.






Scissor Sisters - S/T
This was not so much a ground breaking record, as it is an accomplished collection of songs that could go from techno to piano ballads to weird acoustic numbers and beyond without any of it sounding out of place. Whenever I finished my end of year lists in college a lot of albums on them would not see much play after the year was over. It wasn't intentional, it was purely a question of what I most enjoyed listening to, and this is one of those albums that I just keep coming back to.



Honorable Mentions:
Cut/Copy - In Ghost Colors
New Young Pony Club - Fantastic Playroom
Muscles - Guns Babes Lemonade

If I had to pick the catchiest label of the decade, Modular Records just may be it. All three of these albums are amazing. Cut/Copy are this decade's New Order, New Young Pony Club make fearlessly catchy post-punk, and Muscles has compressed the last few decades of dance music into stupidly amazing hooks.


And one last random note, both NYPC and Scissor Sisters both pay homage to the famous Roxy Music photo below (possibly one of the greatest music images in all of music) with their album art, a remind that there's still something important to the image of pop, and that's not a bad thing at all.

The Turkish Guide to Beard Grooming

Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Turkish Guide to Beard Grooming. If you are reading my words, you are considering entering the wonderful world of facial hair - be it for a first time or not. To Shakespeare, a beard represented the pinnacle of manliness. How exciting for you, my friends.

A man's beard is a window into his very soul. Facial hair speaks to a man's character. It represents how a man decides to carry himself. Different kinds of beards can tell what kind of man one chooses to be. A beard is, how do you say, the bristles on a brush called masculinity. Truly a magical time for you.

But, what is to be done about the hair that grows from your face? My friends, allow me to take you by the hand and show you how to groom like only a Mediterranean native can. Pluck yourself a succulent, sun-ripened, tropical fruit as I have. It is the Mediterranean way.

1. Commit, My Friends

Your beard is much like the passionate love of a woman. A properly groomed beard can make one virile with great strength, but a neglected one brings feelings of smallness and, how you say, prepubescence. You must commit, my friends - allow your beard to grow and become a part of yourself. Have a relationship with your facial hair and give it attention. Careful! Not too much! You must keep it balanced, my friends. Too much hair and your face will become a forest! Too little, and you will appear boyish and inexperienced. You want none of these things.

2. Shampoo, Shampoo, Shampoo

As they say in my country, "the man who grows a beard without cleaning spends his nights in the desert." This is not necessarily true, but it is important all the same. At a certain point, the beard will become itchy and unbearable. People ask me all the time, "Hey, you. Your beard! Yet, it is so hot out. How you avoid the itchiness?" And I tell them, "Shampoo, my friend! All you have to do is shampoo." The reason is simple - without shampoo, your hair grows tough with oil, rubbing your skin, irritating its delicateness. Shampoo will make your beard soft and smooth, like the fine cotton of my middle eastern towels. After the shampoo, your face will be clean and the itch will vanish, like a pick-pocket in the Istanbul bazaar. I guarantee it will give you pleasure. And, the women will love you for it.

3. Shape and Style

The fun begins, my friends. Soon, your mirror will be full of uncontainable sexiness. Your facial hair is full and clean and you are ready to take your first steps as a new man! Remember: You must treat your beard as a frame, your face as a canvas, and your razor as your brush. Gently drag the blade across the edges of the hair. Trim the fringes of the beard with the razor, carefully removing the hair from your neck and around the cheeks. Accentuate the jawline and chin, my friends. This will give you a strong foundation to an irresistible bed of rugged handsomeness. From here, pick the style that is right for you, my friends. But, be warned - always cover the chin. No one has ever looked good in the chin-less! No one! If this were my home country, I would say that you would look like the gypsy! And we spit on the gypsy! Puh! But, this is America and we do not say such things here. Equality is the sexiest next to women and beard, yes?

4. Trim Daily

Invest in a trimmer, my friends! Reasonableness is next to godliness. The trimmer works as both scissors and comb - so you need not buy either. Efficient, no? Many will try to comb and cut on their own, but that is left to the barber in small towns. If you have no chin on your face, it is okay to keep the beard-chin longer than the rest. This will help you look manly, like America's many movie stars. Keep an eye on your neck and cheeks, my friends. If you are not careful, it will become a forest again. Do not be afraid to clean-up with the razor. Your beard hair and chest hair should remain separate! No wolf-man for you!

5. Enjoy, my friends

If you follow my easy steps, your beard will be mighty and strong! You are new man now. Be careful with your new-found sexiness - you do not want to hurt someone! I kid, of course. Enjoy your new face, my friends. This is the most important lesson.

I hope you found my words helpful, my friends. If you did not, well, I hope you at least found the, how do you say, good times. I always enjoy giving pleasure to strangers and friends alike! Take care, my friends. Prepare for the most exciting of times.

A Summary

If you're new to our little part of the interweb, you may not know quite what we're all about. That's why I've compiled a list of all our most-oft tagged items, to paint a story of These Gentlemen.

Music (29)

Memory (28)

Ozkirbas (27)

Politics (22)

Obama (14)

Bacon (12)

Comics (11)

Art (11)

Damo (11)

Video Games/ Video Games and Myth (11)

News (10)

These Gentlemen (10)

DC/Washington DC/Washington DC survival (10)

New Mexico (8)

Books (7)

Links (7)

Children (7)

Site Management (7)

Red Haired Girl (6)

Batman (5)

Sports (5)

Christmas (5)

TV (5)

In case you were skimming, we value bacon just under the 44th President of the United States, and Ozkirbas over both Mr. Obama and politics on the whole. We talk about ourselves and DC more than other states, books, and children. Batman and Christmas rank the same on our scale.

This representation is 100% accurate.

We Are the Roundtable

Welcome to your life
Theres no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behaviour
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world
~Tears For Fears


Shalom my friends, and welcome to another edition of the Roundtable. Last time, the Gentlemen struggled to answer the admittedly heavy question of what they might change given the chance to review their own lives. As promised, I followed up with some lighter fare for them.

After an inquiry which required such close introspection and personal reflection, geared to a specific answer, I decided the best counter would be a question where the answer could be literally anything. Carte blanche has been given to the Gentlemen to provide a response to the query; You have been elected ruler of the world. What is your first act?

So, presented here for your amusement and ours, a brief glimpse at what the world would be like if it were run by a Gentleman.


John Ozkirbas

My first official act as ruler of the world would be to abolish Day Light Savings Time. Benjamin Franklin has for too long sapped the American people of hours and hours of their lives and he must be stopped. For the good of the people. For the good of the land.

My second act will be to give Colonial Williamsburg back to England. Those imperialist lobster-backs fought hard to colonize the Americas and, by God, they deserve it. This act will be for the Queen. And, the children. And someone HAS to think of the children.

My third will be to pay back England for all that tea we wasted back in 1773. Apparently, that tea was worth ₤10,000. I wonder if they'll notice if we don't adjust for inflation. I really have no motivation for this - I just think it will be amusing.

Apparently, I've decided to deal with frivolous issues located only in America. I wonder if that says anything...

Max Nova

I would do two things, first establish a baseline of food, shelter and health care for everyone, then I'd have half the world population randomly sterlized, so the people don't go crazy poppin' out babies in our new world of plenty.



Alison Daniels

My first act as Ruler of the World would be to mandate afternoon siestas for the entire globe. I really think the Hispanic community is onto something with that.





Matt Lindeboom

My first act as elected ruler of the world would be to apologize to my constituents for the future acts of heinous incompetence I would display as their ruler. Seriously, why did you all elect me?





David Pratt

I would carve a swath out of Eastern Europe to be renamed Latveria. Then I would live there.





Stephen Bregale


I would tweet my victory, ya know, in case someone wanted to meet up.





Damien Nichols

Puppies for everyone! (World peace here we come!)






Adam Winer

As world leader, I'm going to want to work on improving the world, and solving world problems. I've been elected a public official to work for the people of the world, so I'm going to want to work on improving the lives of the people who I work for. My first act as elected ruler of the world would be to cut green-house gasses by a significant amount. I believe this to be an extremely important step to improving the life of every single person across the globe, assuming it would ease natural disasters and famines.

There are obviously a number of other things that need help - like ending war or ending world hunger - but I think once piece of legislation limiting green house gasses would help the most people at the same time... and seems like something that could reasonably happen - as opposed to say, banning war or something that's probably impossible.


Daniel Strauss


you guys!

what's our twitter password?





And there you have it. Plans large and small burst from the enlightened craniums of our various Gentlemen. Indeed, the world would be much improved were all our leaders possessed of ideas so grand and glorious in scope.

Stay tuned next week as our Roundtable returns to the more harrowing and thought-provoking format we are used to. The Gentlemen have been given more than enough time to recharge their batteries. Now it's back to business as usual. In the meantime, how do you feel about the prospect of becoming the undisputed authority of planet Earth? What would you seek to accomplish, what personal goals would you fulfill, given limitless power and privilege to do so? Let us know your thoughts, for, as always, the Roundtable is all about discussion.

Until next time.

What Would Obama Do?

Today I realized I ask myself "what would Obama do?" on a regular basis.

Sure, our president makes mistakes from time to time. But overall I consider him to be a solid role model.

If people acted more like Barack Obama, the world would be a better place. I often think WWOD when I see people in a conflict. Like the other day I saw someone get cut off on Connecticut Ave. in northwest DC, followed by a flurry of honking and middle fingers. I wanted to roll down my window and yell WWOD.

But I hesitated, and held back, since that's what Obama would do, probably.

This solution applies to any problem.

Hate your job? WWOD?

Got a flat tire? WWOD?

3x76=? WWOD?

Paper or plastic? Neither. Obama brings reusable bags to the grocery store.

In the end I'm just thankful we aren't asking ourselves what Palin would do. Because anyone's guess is as good as mine.