Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Turkish Guide to Beard Grooming

Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Turkish Guide to Beard Grooming. If you are reading my words, you are considering entering the wonderful world of facial hair - be it for a first time or not. To Shakespeare, a beard represented the pinnacle of manliness. How exciting for you, my friends.

A man's beard is a window into his very soul. Facial hair speaks to a man's character. It represents how a man decides to carry himself. Different kinds of beards can tell what kind of man one chooses to be. A beard is, how do you say, the bristles on a brush called masculinity. Truly a magical time for you.

But, what is to be done about the hair that grows from your face? My friends, allow me to take you by the hand and show you how to groom like only a Mediterranean native can. Pluck yourself a succulent, sun-ripened, tropical fruit as I have. It is the Mediterranean way.

1. Commit, My Friends
Your beard is much like the passionate love of a woman. A properly groomed beard can make one virile with great strength, but a neglected one brings feelings of smallness and, how you say, prepubescence. You must commit, my friends - allow your beard to grow and become a part of yourself. Have a relationship with your facial hair and give it attention. Careful! Not too much! You must keep it balanced, my friends. Too much hair and your face will become a forest! Too little, and you will appear boyish and inexperienced. You want none of these things.

2. Shampoo, Shampoo, Shampoo
As they say in my country, "the man who grows a beard without cleaning spends his nights in the desert." This is not necessarily true, but it is important all the same. At a certain point, the beard will become itchy and unbearable. People ask me all the time, "Hey, you. Your beard! Yet, it is so hot out. How you avoid the itchiness?" And I tell them, "Shampoo, my friend! All you have to do is shampoo." The reason is simple - without shampoo, your hair grows tough with oil, rubbing your skin, irritating its delicateness. Shampoo will make your beard soft and smooth, like the fine cotton of my middle eastern towels. After the shampoo, your face will be clean and the itch will vanish, like a pick-pocket in the Istanbul bazaar. I guarantee it will give you pleasure. And, the women will love you for it.

3. Shape and Style
The fun begins, my friends. Soon, your mirror will be full of uncontainable sexiness. Your facial hair is full and clean and you are ready to take your first steps as a new man! Remember: You must treat your beard as a frame, your face as a canvas, and your razor as your brush. Gently drag the blade across the edges of the hair. Trim the fringes of the beard with the razor, carefully removing the hair from your neck and around the cheeks. Accentuate the jawline and chin, my friends. This will give you a strong foundation to an irresistible bed of rugged handsomeness. From here, pick the style that is right for you, my friends. But, be warned - always cover the chin. No one has ever looked good in the chin-less! No one! If this were my home country, I would say that you would look like the gypsy! And we spit on the gypsy! Puh! But, this is America and we do not say such things here. Equality is the sexiest next to women and beard, yes?

4. Trim Daily
Invest in a trimmer, my friends! Reasonableness is next to godliness. The trimmer works as both scissors and comb - so you need not buy either. Efficient, no? Many will try to comb and cut on their own, but that is left to the barber in small towns. If you have no chin on your face, it is okay to keep the beard-chin longer than the rest. This will help you look manly, like America's many movie stars. Keep an eye on your neck and cheeks, my friends. If you are not careful, it will become a forest again. Do not be afraid to clean-up with the razor. Your beard hair and chest hair should remain separate! No wolf-man for you!

5. Enjoy, my friends
If you follow my easy steps, your beard will be mighty and strong! You are new man now. Be careful with your new-found sexiness - you do not want to hurt someone! I kid, of course. Enjoy your new face, my friends. This is the most important lesson.

I hope you found my words helpful, my friends. If you did not, well, I hope you at least found the, how do you say, good times. I always enjoy giving pleasure to strangers and friends alike! Take care, my friends. Prepare for the most exciting of times.


Max Nova said...

From one beardo to another, good show.

Dan said...

I feel obliged to add these two links as a supplement for:

1)facial hair inspiration -

2)facial-hair-growing-soundtrack -

Capt. said...

Brilliant. Great gentlemanly advice. I'm glad someone finally put this in writing for all the young ones and the old salts.

Let me also say a pencil thin beard does not a jaw-line make.