Monday, February 9, 2009

Top 14 Web Comics You Should Be Reading

#14: Penny and Aggie
www.pennyandaggie.com
Writer: T. Campbell
Artist: Gisele Legace

What It's About: Two polar opposites, the fashion-centric, popular Penny, and her eternal rival, the free-spirited and unpredictable Aggie. The comic follows their soap opera-like lives through High School as the two of them repeatedly butt heads, despite, or perhaps because of, their overlapping social circles. In the midst of their bickering, they both take a stab at helping an overweight and socially awkward girl named Karen to better herself, unaware of the monster they're both helping create.

Why You Should Read It: First and foremost, the artwork. Gisele Legace's pencils make this doubtlessly the most artistically stunning web comic I follow. Penny and Aggie is #14 because of all the comics I read, it's the least comprehensible. The writer is, to be blunt, not very good. His dialogue is fair, but his exposition needs a lot of work. The reason to read it is the way T. Campbell constructs a believable, albeit highly dramatized, picture of life in High School from two different perspectives. That said, the slow boil of the Karen storyline over the years to the culmination it is now reaching makes it worth reading just to get involved in all the delicious drama that's been brewing now finally coming to a head. All the minor, incidental characters you would never think to have real purpose are now being utilized expertly. The conclusion of the current arc should be very satisfying to long-time followers.

My Favorite Strip:For the greater good - in a prior strip they finally teamed up, but in this one we see the seeds of friendship planted for the first time.

If You Like This, Check Out: Cool Cat Studio; Another comic by the same team. Cool Cat Studio has concluded, so it is possible to read it all beginning to end. Also, it has fairly graphic depictions of lesbian sex.


#13: VGCats
www.vgcats.com
Written and Drawn by: Scott Ramsoomair

What It's About: The adventures of two cats, Leo and Aeris, and sometimes Ternaldo, Krug, and Pantsman, as they discuss or become characters in video games. Strips often end in the violent death of one or more characters.

Why You Should Read It: Ramsoomair is funny. The way he phrases things is funny, the way he draws is funny. There's hardly a strip on his site that doesn't make me laugh. With rare exceptions, he also stays on-topic. The VGCats strips that don't pertain to video games, movies about video games, or video games made because of movies are few and far between. It places high on the list because his updating schedule is abominable. We're lucky to see a new VGCats up once a month.

My Favorite Strip: A Brief History of Pac-Man - if you think this one is funny, then you are prepared for the VGCats experience.

If You Like This, Check Out: F@nboy$, The Slackerz, and Game Marks. Like VGCats, these comics follow in the non-linear, joke-a-day pattern. Truth be told, if I read it more frequently, Slackerz might take VGCats place on this list.


#12: Player vs. Player
www.pvponline.com
Written and Drawn by: Scott Kurtz

What It's About: The hilarious adventures of the PvP magazine staff. Cole, Brent, Jade, Francis, and Skull, along with a wide and richly developed supporting cast, weave through stories of real-life struggle and epic video game drama. It began as a video game comic, but expanded its horizons until it reached the point where it bills itself as about "pop culture heroes." The characters learn and grow, and it's pointed out multiple times that things don't go back to normal at the end of a storyline.

Why You Should Read It: PvP caught my attention as a gaming comic, but it's become much more. It has storylines that are zany and funny as well as ones with romance and raw emotion. It twists and turns in ways you don't see coming, and always manages to catch you off-guard. PvP also has some of the greatest supporting characters of any comic, with the nubile Miranda, smarmy Max, megalomaniac Scratch Fury, and many others. The reason it clocks in at #12 is that Scott Kurtz frequently borrows storyline ideas directly from television show plots. I think a man who can incorporate random attacks by a giant panda as a plot device can certainly be more creative than that.

My Favorite Strip: No More Cookies - there are certainly other entries more terse with emotion, some far more hilarious, but this is the one I quote the most often. I think it also sums up beautifully what you can expect from the strip as a whole.

If You Like This, Check Out: Penny Arcade, PvP's sister-site (though they vehemently reject such accusations) and Ctrl+Alt+Del, another comic which started out about video games and grew into much more.


#11: Amazing Super Powers
www.amazingsuperpowers.com
Written and Drawn by: Wes and Tony

What It's About: A stream of non-connected comics usually centered around hilarious plays on words or comic misunderstandings that lead to brutal violence.

Why You Should Read It: One of several comics I read that avoid continuity, Amazing Super Powers takes madcap to the extreme. The writer (they're not clear to my knowledge who is the writer and who is the artist) has a tremendous gift for wordplay backed up by a visual gag. This formula works over and over again. This one did not rank higher because it's also very hit-and-miss. Sometimes they've got it, sometimes they don't. However, for guaranteed hilarity, check out the FAQ section on their main page.

My Favorite Strip: Wipe That Smile Off Your Face - Amazing Super Powers. The Web Comic that makes pancakes cry.

If You Like This, Check Out: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, which follows almost the same formula and updates much more often.


#10: Joe Loves Crappy Movies
www.digitalpimponline.com
Written and Drawn by: Joe Dunn

What It's About: As the name implies, the strip follows writer and artist Joe Dunn as he views a new crappy movie each week. A meta-comic in some respects, it is aware of itself as a comic, and in fact is occasionally about Joe's struggle to write a comic based on a particular movie. Joe is joined by his wife and best friend, and occasionally Emperor Palpatine in his weekly struggle to give his reading audience insight into the beauty of movies that are crappy.

Why You Should Read It: Do you love crappy movies? That's a big help. Even if you don't, this strip is usually spot on in discerning exactly where films go wrong. Dunn manages to capture both the magic of cinema that drives us all to the theaters, and the inanity of some of the garbage that we pay money to see. The only thing that keeps Joe Loves Crappy Movies from earning a higher spot on my list is that many of his strips are lost on me. By and large they require some knowledge of the film to understand, and I simply haven't seen as many crappy movies as he has. A great feature of his site, however, is the ability to navigate comics based on what movie they're written on.

My Favorite Strip: Cheesy One Liner - This entry I consider the essential Joe Loves Crappy Movies strip. It shows just how funny he can be as a writer while perfectly summing up just what to expect from the comic.

If You Like This, Check Out: Free Lunch and Matriculated, the other Joe Dunn comics in the Digital Pimp line, and also Theater Hopper, which shares Joe's basic premise.


#9: Order of the Stick
www.giantitp.com
Written and Drawn by: Rich Burlew

What It's About: The Order of the Stick follows the Dungeons & Dragons-themed adventure of a party by the same name; Roy Greenhilt the Warrior, Hayley Starshine the Thief, Durkon Oakenshield the Cleric, Elan the Bard, Vaarsuvius the Mage, and Belkar the Ranger. The party moves from story to story as players would a campaign setting, oftentimes even bemoaning their trials as though speaking with the voice of the player controlling them. Though filled with subplots and intrigue, the main storyline remains the struggle against the evil Xykon, a lich of unfathomable power who has total world domination within his grasp.

Why You Should Read It: Like the game, the comic strip is epic. The sheer depth of character development provided will draw any reader to choose a favorite, and then rest assured that favorite will have a story all their own at one time or another. Burlew weaves a thick tapestry full of heroes, villains, monsters, and politics while staying true to the D&D world and rules. The entirety of my experience with Dungeons & Dragons is this comic, and it's also the reason I'll probably never play. Because I know no DM-designed campaign could ever be as good as the story found here. The only problem I have with the comic is that the code used for the site is apparantly as complex as the stick figures used in the story. Expect frequent Page Load Errors and Page Not Found screens if you intend to follow this one.

My Favorite Strip: It's Not a Game of D&D without a Monty Python reference- Well played, Burlew. Well played.

If You Like This, Check Out: Sluggy Freelance. Order of the Stick with a modifier of Epic +1.


#8: Ctrl+Alt+Del
www.ctrlaltdel-online.com
Written and Drawn by: Tim Buckley

What It's About: Ethan MacManus, the most diehard gamer of all time, and his struggles to force the real world accept his reality. He is joined by his roommate and best friend Lucas, girlfriend Lilah, and robot made from an X-Box, Zeke. Follow Ethan's insanity as he seeks employment, challenges corporate America, organized a Gaming Holiday, and founds the Gaming Religion after conferring with the Gaming Gods. Also, there's occasionally a penguin, and sometimes he gets shot with an arrow.

Why You Should Read It: This strip started out entirely about video games, with some periodic sprinklings of other references, or the nonsensical (yet hysterical) Chef Brian. Over the years, Buckley breathed life into his characters and made them into more fleshed out people in the same way games became more complex from one generation of system to the next. While he has received a lot of criticism for some of his more heavy-handed subject matter, Buckley's writing talent cannot be denied. What started out as a comic for gamers has become a comic everyone can enjoy, it just happens to have a hardcore gamer as the central character. It's no less interesting reading about their love interests and maturation into adulthood than it is to read about Everquest or Gears of War. If you still would like to though, CAD Sillies now provides that function fulltime.

My Favorite Strip: A Modest Proposal - Major Spoiler warning if you intend to start reading. If you do, ignore this link and start at the beginning. It will make you appreciate this strip for how heartfelt and beautiful it really is.

If You Like This, Check Out: CAD Sillies, found on the same site, or refer back to Player vs. Player.


#7: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
www.smbc-comics.com
Written and Drawn By: Zach Weiner

What It's About: Zach Weiner presents the world through a lens of madness and puns. Expect a relentless storm of laughter as comics are lined up with the most ridiculous captions imaginable, often completely changing what you think the comic is about based on the strip. Another strip with no continuity, this is simply comic after comic filled with insanity. Insanity and laughs so hard they make your sides hurt.

Why You Should Be Reading It: Because everybody loves to laugh, and this comic gets the job done. Some are merely chuckle-inducing, but by and large you can expect to be laughing out loud as you endlessly click the "random" button.

My Favorite Strip: What a Way to Go - If you can read this and not laugh, you may not actually have a soul.

If You Like This, Check Out: Cyanide and Happiness. It's like Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, except that the gag is played out by the characters, not the caption. Both also have titles centered around great ways to start your day.


#6: 8-Bit Theater
www.nuklearpower.com
Written by: Brian Clevinger

What It's About: The comic literally is the game Final Fantasy. It follows the four Light Warriors; Fighter, Thief, Black Mage, and Red Mage, as they travel through the original NES classic to collect the 4 Orbs of Light, defeat the 4 Fiends, and thwart the plans of the Dark Warriors. Only this time, that's not what they set out to do at all.

Why You Should Read It: This one probably takes at least some knowledge of the Final Fantasy series or the original game to understand properly. That said, Brian Clevinger has taken a comic consisting solely of 8-Bit NES Sprites on different backgrounds and somehow provided us incredible insight into their reactions and emotions using only pixels and dialogue. The clueless heroes (who are in fact, far more villainous than their enemies in reality) stumble through the quest line of Final Fantasy in increasingly uproarious parodies of the original game. If you love Final Fantasy, or even Role Playing Games in general, you're sure to get a kick out of 8-Bit Theater.

My Favorite Strip: It will change every time he puts up a new one - I'm putting up the latest one as my favorite, because honestly Clevinger somehow manages to outdo himself every week.

If You Like This, Check Out: There are no webcomics available to compare with 8-Bit Theater, but you can go to your local comic shop and find Atomic Robo, also written by Clevinger.


#5: Cyanide and Happiness
explosm.net
Written and Drawn by: Kris Wilson, Rob DenBleyker, Matt Melvin, and Dave McElfatrick

What It's About: Rape, murder, cancer, AIDS, assorted STDs, self-mutliation, necrophilia, cannibalism, suicide, fratricide, drug and alcohol abuse, useless superheroes, pedophilia, animal abuse, child abuse, masturbation, full frontal male nudity, and visual puns.

Why You Should Read It: You shouldn't; unless you have a suitably dark sense of humor. If that's the case, this may well be the funniest comic on the internet. Drawn nearly entirely with stick figures, and with all the freedom that entails, the irreverant Cyanide and Happiness pushes the far past the boundaries of good taste. However, if you love the absurd and appreciate the idea that there might be humor in everything, this is the web comic for you.

My Favorite Strip: Nazi Yahtzee? - an example of C&H's frequently used "awkward silence" gag. I could honestly flip to any random strip and call it a favorite, but this one does use several of their conventions all at once.

If You Like This, Check Out: The Perry Bible Fellowship. The only comic that must make the creators of C&H say "well that is just plain wrong."


#4: Penny Arcade
www.penny-arcade.com
Writer: Jerry Holkins (Tycho Brahe)
Artist: Mike Krahulik (Jonathan Gabriel)

What It's About: The ongoing antics of Tycho and Gabe as they react to the most recent news about video games. With only occasional flirtations with continuity, the strip is kept open so as to continually react to the current events facing the world of video games, the authors themselves, and the universe as a whole.

Why You Should Read It: This is without a doubt the most consistently entertaining web comic on this list. Not only does it succeed in tackling the subject matter of each strip in ways both amusing and insightful, but it has through 10 years of existence managed to stay on-message. It began as a strip about video games and pop culture, and a decade later it remains just that. Holkins masterful writing style is perfectly complemented by the ever-improving art of Mike Krahulik. That is not to say Krahulik is an artist who needs improvement, it means he is already tremendous at his craft yet still clearly strives to reach new heights. The only barrier preventing this comic from reaching the top 3 or even number 1 is in fact what makes it great; the stalwart dedication of the duo to never stray from their predetermined subject of interest makes it to a degree inaccessible to a large audience. Fortunately, there are a great deal of their strips with references mainstream enough to be enjoyed by all.

My Favorite Strip: Santa's Little Helpers - This was the first Penny Arcade strip I ever read. I literally did not sleep that night because I was laughing too hard.

If You Like This, Check Out: You could go back to PvP or Ctrl+Alt+Del, but in all honesty the buck stops with Penny Arcade where video game comics are concerned.


#3: Least I Could Do
www.leasticoulddo.com
Writer: Ryan Sohmer
Artist: Lar deSouza

What It's About: The misadventures of hyper-promiscuous Rayne Summers as he manuevers from one sexual conquest to the next. Rayne is joined by best friends Noel, Mick, John, and Issa, but the comic focuses primarily on Rayne. Egotistical, insensitive, and fiendishly clever, Rayne breezes through life with a smile on his face, no matter who suffers because of it.

Why You Should Read It: I don't know how Ryan Sohmer does it, but if you read Least I Could Do long enough, you develop the same love-hate relationship with Rayne that he seems to share with the entire world he lives in. You'll laugh at his politically incorrect remarks and snide comments, as well as his childish manipulation of his friends and their feelings. At the same time, on those rare occasions when he gets his comeuppance (such as the time Noel "beats the shit out of him with a smile on his face) you'll cackle fiendishly at his misfortune. Also, you don't want to miss the poignant moments when we get to see the deeper side of Rayne and those around him, particularly moments with his family. I think what Rayne would say is that he just wants make people smile. It's the least he can do.

My Favorite Strip: Fortunately, the site was down at the time of this writing. I really don't think I could pick just one.

If You Like This, Check Out: Looking For Group, done by the same team. Though based around the game World of Warcraft, it doesn't make it any less accessible or hilarious.


#2: xkcd
www.xkcd.com
Written and Drawn by: Randall Munroe

What It's About: Romance, Sarcasm, Math, and Language. And occasionally a man in a black hat and his girlfriend whom you really shouldn't mess with. I'm serious.

Why You Should Read It: Munroe's writing is so clever, so witty, so deep and inspiring, you can't help but be drawn in. His style is irrefutably his own, and he blends exactly what he promises on the tagline in each new comic. An on-going combination of in-jokes for mathematicians and scientists, pop-culture references and critiques for the larger crowd, and heartfelt, impossibly moving stories of love, loss, and loneliness, xkcd truly has something for everybody.

My Favorite Strip: Election Coverage - Jason will no doubt argue for one of the beautifully written romantic strips in all their melancholic splendor, but come on. This one is hilarious.

If You Like This, Check Out: More xkcd. There's nothing else like it.


#1: Sluggy Freelance
www.sluggy.com
Written and Drawn by: Pete Abrams

What It's About: Ninjas. Pirates. Mummies. Vampires. Egyptian Curses. Zombies. Robots. Assassins. The Devil. Time and Space. Santa Claus. The right of caste. Demons. Talking swords that feed on innocent blood. Alternate dimensions. Video games. Schools of magic. A Book of Evil. A Satanic litter of kittens. Witches. Ghosts. Mad Scientists. Spastic ferrets. Murderous mini-lops. Xenomorphic aliens. And that only scratches the surface.

Why You Should Read It: Sluggy Freelance was the first webcomic I ever read. It started out (I thought) boring and trite. That is, until they brought in the vampires. In a twist that came literally out of nowhere, the entire tone of the series shifted from the first year to being somewhat juvenile and soap opera-like to a continuous madcap adventure filled with just as much triumph as tragedy. Pete Abrams builds on each story to tell the one after it, introducing story elements in ways so subtle you never see it coming until he springs its importance on you, and suddenly all the pieces fall into place. The site is also easily navigable, and while the art is not of the quality of Lar deSouza or Gisele Legace, Abrams does frequently abandon his minimalist style to show he really knows his way around a sketch pad. If you want a complete and cohesive story spanning over 11 years now, filled with laughter and heartache, then there is nothing better than Sluggy Freelance. Become a Sluggite today. It's pretty darn nifty.

My Favorite Strip: A God Damned Demon Lord - You need to read the whole story arc to really understand, but this is one of the most gripping, emotionally charged moments of the entire series, and the culmination of years of build up.

If You Like This, Check Out: Anything! Sluggy Freelance is the jack-of-all-comics. Every other webcomic I was ever exposed to stemmed from Sluggy, and there's a little bit of all of them to be found in it as well.

A Match Made Somewhere


For those that don't know, Rob is one of the most reviled comic book artists ever. Fairly or unfairly there is an incredible hate, especially amongst the online crowd, towards anything that Liefeld touches at this point. The main reason being his inability to put ANYTHING out on time (we're talking multiple year delays sometimes), absolutely no sense of human anatomy, an affinity for gigantic shoulder pads, and obviously reusing the same art over and over repurposed for different comics. He's basically considered the poster boy for the '90s style that was hugely popular and also nearly killed the industry with style over substance, variant covers, and all flash.


Brett Ratner is the esteemed director of such films as Rush Hour 2 and X3. He is probably the most reviled man on this blog, with at least two or three posts with me or Strauss going on violent tirades that stop just short of wishing his mother had the foresight to make his father wear a condom.

I'm a douche!

And now they're together at last.
I'm actually looking forward to this in that perverse way that I enjoy picking scabs or doing karaoke to Nickelback.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Guest Gentleman - Happy Birthday George

This is our second Guest Gentleman post, and I'm happy to welcome Ali Daniels to the stage with a story about a very unique birthday party...

"First of all, it is an honor to be among such gentlemen. I thoroughly enjoy reading your thoughts each day. Now, when I originally talked to Jason, I asked if I could submit a post about my recent behavioral observations in Pittsburgh at the AFC Championship Game. It would have questioned our need to resort to unintelligent personal attacks in such situations, (I very well may be Joe Flacco’s lesbian sister, but I don’t think that’s going to have much of an impact on the game we’re currently watching, and isn’t that supposed to be the focus of our trash talk?) and I’m sure it would have been just dandy and I hope you would have chuckled at some of the doozies I heard.

Then, something happened at work tonight that changed everything.

I am a hostess two nights a week at a great little restaurant called FEAST at 4 East. (**Shameless Plug: If you’re ever in Baltimore on a Thurs, Fri, or Sat evening, you really have to check us out. Huge portions of fabulous food at very reasonable prices. Just ask JohnOzkirbas!) Normally, Thursdays are a little bit slower than the weekend nights, but we just knew that tonight would be special, and it was all because of Suzanne Evans.

Suzanne, it had been explained to me, used to come in for lunch over the summer. She is very difficult, very demanding, very particular, and to top it all off, very hard of hearing. She had called to make a reservation for 10 people at 6 p.m. Then she called back, insisting that they be seated in our garden dining room. (We already had another party of 10 scheduled for that room. We told her we couldn’t promise anything. Luckily for her, the other party scaled down to five people at the last minute.) Then she called back again. They’d actually be coming in at 5:30. (Ok, that’s fine.) Then she called back again.

And again.

And again.

She talked to Sandy (our owner and head chef). She talked to Maia (our sous chef). And then, according to Sam, (assistant sous chef? no, assistant TO the sous chef) she left a 10-minute message on our machine.

She asked questions. “Is it ok if I say a prayer?” (Um, it’s a free country lady. You can say whatever you want before you eat.) “Can I play my own music if I bring a tape deck?” (A resounding and well-deserved NO.)

And she told us everything we never wanted to know about her reason for dining with us that evening. It was her husband, George’s, birthday. (Great, we’ll sing!) He was turning 61. (Ok.) It’s his first birthday ever. (I doubt that.) Apparently George’s parents didn’t believe in birthday parties. (That’s kind of weird. Why’d you wait so long to throw him one then?) She’s 62. (So what you’re saying is you’re bad at throwing parties and you’re a cradle robber?) They were coming with a group of Christian visual performing artists. (Ok.) One of them was going to sing something. (We’ll see about that.) She’s bipolar. (Oh, no wait. That’s just what Sandy thinks; she didn’t actually say that.)

As it turns out, Jason (server), knows George. He used to come in for lunch with Suzanne. And they’d fight. Loudly. Great. I’m excited.

So 5:30 rolls around, and no one’s here yet, but that’s ok, because we’re running a little late getting set-up anyway. I throw some makeup on, fill glasses with ice, and sit down to wait. Finally, at 5:50, a lone woman comes in holding some gifts. She waits in the parlor for a while, until she sees someone on the porch through the window. She calls out, “George, you shouldn’t be out there. Come inside!” and then disappears outside. Moments later, Suzanne herself walks in. She doesn’t want to wait for the other guests; she wants to sit at the table. She’s alone. As I seat her, she asks if I want to see what she made for her “poor husband who’s sick with diabetes.” (Sure, why not? Where is he, by the way?) It’s a candlestick holder with some flowers and birds, so I help her light the candle, and she sits at the head of the table.

That’s when things got weird.

After another few minutes, more of the guests trickle in, including a gentleman accompanying the first woman who arrived. They’ve brought gifts, balloons, and a cake, so I take the cake to the kitchen, and then return to start pouring water. That’s when I think I hear Suzanne mention that George is sick and won’t be able to make it tonight. (So wait, he’s too sick to make it, but you’re having his party anyway? Without him? But there are balloons and presents and a cake that says “Happy Birthday, George.”) I figure I must have misheard her. There are still two people missing. I’m sure George is coming with them.

But the other two people don’t show up, and neither does George. I hear Suzanne giving a speech about how much it would have meant to George to see all of them there, and how sorry he is that he had to miss the occasion. (I’m relatively certain his birthday is still happening to him, Suzanne. You just ABANDONED him for it because he was too sick to make his party.) I tell Jason that I don’t think George is coming. He’s just as stunned as I am. He thinks George stood Suzanne up. I’m not so sure. This is just too weird.

Finally, at 6:45 (an hour and 15 minutes after their reservation, mind you), they decide to start ordering. At 7:15 the remaining two members of their party show up. I’m glad that Sam didn’t take my bet, because I was sure they weren’t going to show at all and I would have lost $10. They’re loud and a little strange, but you see that pretty frequently in the restaurant business. We just shake our heads and do our jobs.

Toward the end of the meal, I remind Jason that they brought a cake, and suggest that he ask Suzanne what she wants to do with it. Hopefully she can take it home to poor sick George with diabetes. The next time I’m in the kitchen, though, George’s cake is out on the counter with two candles reading “61” stuck in it. Jason can barely contain himself as he informs me that no, they want the cake, candles and birthday song and all. (Wait a second. You’re going to eat his cake? Without him?!) Yes. Apparently they are. Not only that, but they’re opening George’s cards as well. And reading them out loud. I’m surprised they’re not tearing into the gifts.

So we prepare to sing happy birthday to a room full of people, none of whom are celebrating a birthday. Moments before we’re about to go on, the aforementioned gentleman gets up, puts on his jacket, and walks toward the door with the gifts. (I hear him say that he can’t carry the presents while he’s helping Suzanne to the car. Makes sense.)

But wait!

Chet (other server) asks where he’s going – certainly he doesn’t want to miss the cake? (Chet and I, I should mention, love singing the birthday song. We sing it in Italian, and there are harmonies. Trust me, this guy did not want to miss it.) Oh no, he says. He’s just taking these gifts out to the birthday boy.

(Wait wait wait wait wait just one second here. WHAT?!)

That’s right, folks. George is in the car. Let me repeat that for you. GEORGE. IS IN. THE CAR. He has been this whole time. Well, except for those few moments that he was on our front stoop. (Yeah, remember the first woman who called to someone outside? Well apparently George didn’t want to come in.) We all run to the kitchen. This story has just gotten better than we ever imagined it could… (I think I’ll blog about it.)

And so we lit the candles and sang happy birthday to a man who had been sitting in the cold outside our restaurant, and spent the rest of the night speculating about what kept him out there. Why refuse to come in to your own birthday party? Had he and Suzanne gotten into another fight? Was he legitimately not feeling well? Or perhaps after 60 years, he didn’t want a birthday party in the first place.

What kind of a sad life does poor George who has diabetes lead? I almost wish I had gone out and checked up on him. I definitely wish I had brought him a piece of his cake. And maybe I could have found out how he ended up there, because now I know that the last place I want to be on my 61st birthday is out in the car."

Saturday, February 7, 2009

"Mental Assault II: Rogue Squadron" or "World: 1 John Ozkirbas: 0"

I lost. I admit that here and now. The cataclysmic struggle between real-world practicality and my ego, which is so large that it has its own gravitational pull, an ego with a pull so grand that I'm fairly certain it can absorb and compact other egos, has ended. Violently. In what I can only describe as a sneak-attack of epic proportions, you have haphazardly yet systematically convinced me of the distinct possibility that I, actually, know nothing about how the universe works. Science, I take my hat off to you. You have officially broken my brain.

Below you'll find two links to other blogs. The first features an interesting theory on geographical hard drives. Quite literally: the ability to use the geological formations on planet Earth to store complex information. Seriously check it out. It's a good read.

But the second. Oh the second one. You, sir, have approached me from the shadows to leave the last image I see the cold, hard pavement rushing up to greet me. I am stunned. Frustrated. Not because your physics borders on beyond my comprehension. But, because you've provided the sole possibility that the universe, as we know it, isn't:


I never saw it coming. How could I? What does this mean? Is the world a lie? Are we simply unwitting parties of some higher-being's holodeck experiment? Are the delicate balances between human nature and our environment just a three-dimensional glimmer on some 5th Dimensional Driver's License? Or does this simply mean that the laws of the universe just function like a hologram should? Does nothing we do matter? Has Nihilism won? If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what you do... right? What does that mean I should DO!?

What happens when the hologram turns off!?


NOOOO!


PS - My ego isn't that big. I'm really just throwing that in for the sake of melodrama.

PPS - I acknowledge that my previous statement could, actually, prove that I am wrong about my ego. And I am ok with that.

Something Truly Fascinating I Learned About Myself Today

I would rather (literally) walk out into oncoming traffic than be asked if I have "a minute for the environment today." True story.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Teaser for These Gentlemen: The Movie

Once . . . a man made a movie.

(Jason and David are seen exiting the theater after having seen Frank Miller's "The Spirit." Jason is shaking his head.)

Jason: That's just a goddamn shame.

David: You know what this means.

A movie that reminded Jason Schlafstein . . .

Jason: Yes. We have to kill Brett Ratner.

. . .that he'd seen another really bad movie about comic books, and the director of that movie needed to die. It would make more sense to kill Frank Miller, but c'mon, the guy did legitimately write some damn good comics. So this is about Brett Ratner.

(Jason is behind the wheel of a beat up '76 Cadillac with the top down. David sits in the passenger seat nervously fingering a .45 as he looks through the rear view mirror at their newly-acquired hitchhiker, Max Nova.)

They'll meet new friends . . .

Max Nova: So . . . do you boys like music?

(Jason and David share a worried look as they continue cruising down the interstate towards Hollywood.)

And face old enemies . . .

(Steve Bragale sits with his fingers in a pyramid before him as he traces their progress on a map of America.)

Steve: The pieces are all coming together now . . .

But through it all, they will remain . . .

(Jason and David burst onto the set of Rush Hour 4, guns blazing.)

Gentlemen.

(An explosion rocks the screen.)

THESE GENTLEMEN: The Movie.

Starring: David Pratt.

(David dives off the ledge of a building, snatching the leg of a passing helicopter and hanging on as it flies over the Chicago skyline.)

David: Get ready for some executive power!

Jason Schlafstein.

(Jason stands in the midst of a hail of gunfire, leveling his own weapon at his attackers.)

Jason: I won't die yet. The world still needs me. The world needs Heat.

Damien Nichols.

(Damien blows a thick smoke ring over Jason as he and David stand in the midst of his hazy den.)

Damien: I've got everything you need, boys. For a price.

Adam Winer.

(Adam marches through the corridors of NBC, trailed by a horde of lackeys.)

Adam: Get a camera crew out there. I want full coverage ready in 30 minutes. Someone get a copy ready. When I get to my office I want to see a report, a cup of coffee, and a redhead, in that order. Go!

Scott Maxwell.

(Scott rocks back and forth, shivering as Jason presses him for information.)

Scott: They think I don't know man. They're wrong. I know about the conspiracy. I know about Ratner. I know about the Boobs Metal Space War. It's all coming down man. In a shower of hate and blood and German death metal, it's all coming down.

Max Nova.

(Max scratches his beard, contemplating a CD rack.)

Max: There's a lot of shitty music out there, and only so many bullets.

Steve Bragale.

(Steve crosses behind David and Jason, strapped to steel chairs in a darkened chamber.)

Steve: You boys are messing with forces you don't understand. And for that you must be taught a lesson.

Dan Strauss.

(Dan stands peering out the shattered window of a Hollywood office building, James Marsden at his side.)

James Marsden: I really appreciate everything you've done for me, Dan.

Dan: No problem, Cyclops.

James Marsden: Actually my name is James Marsden, I'm an actor. I've been in several -

Dan: (Cocking his gun as he levels it at Marsden's head) I said your name is Cyclops.

James Marsden: Yes. Cyclops is my name.

Dan: Now put on the visor.

And John Ozkirbas.

(John turns to look at the camera.)

Ozkirbas: I know a lot about Final Fantasy VII.

Friendships will be tested . . .

Jason: If you go down that road, I'm not coming with you.

David: Then it looks like I do this alone.

Secrets will be revealed . . .

Adam: You think we tell you everything? You think you know what goes on behind the scenes? I could write a book with what we don't put on the air every night.

Conspiracies will unravel . . .

Scott: You can't trust anybody out there.

Damien: (bringing a gun to his head) Now that's good advice.

And the world will never be the same.

(Steve sits behind a desk, watching the hands on a clock slowly drift towards midnight.)

Steve: Time's up.

(An explosion shakes downtown Hollywood.)

This Summer

Luck is a Lady

But Action

Is a Gentleman.

THESE GENTLEMEN.

(Jason steps through a cloud of smoke, gun in his hand as Brett Ratner cowers before him.)

Jason: Looks like this will happen off-camera too.

(Gunshot)

SUMMER 2009.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Backing up da 'Clops or "We Should Talk About Comics More on this Blog"


Cyclops, aka Scott Summers, is my favorite X-Man. He has been my favorite since I was a kid, in fact, if only I had access to my childhood photo collection, I'd post a picture of a fifth grade Daniel Strauss at the Murch School Halloween parade dressed as blue suit Cyclops, complete with head visor. That was a great costume.

Anyway, I take a lot of flack for being a Cyclops fan, and I wanted to debunk some of the most common anti-Cyclops theories, and just respond to all the people who are constantly calling me an idiot (for liking Cyclops, not just because).

RUMOR 1-CYCLOPS IS A TERRIBLE LEADER.

Let me start this answer with a question-are you an idiot? I know, don't insult your audience. But are you? Scott Summers has incredible leadership qualities, there's a reason he's been head of the X-Men for as long as he has. He is calm under pressure, he thinks things through, and, most importantly, he is much more powerful than people give him credit for (see Astonishing X-Men #1, i.e. blowing up a Sentinel and half the lawn). Dude's a born leader, and it's obvious if you're in any way familiar with the X-Men.

RUMOR 2-CYCLOPS IS A WIMP

Yeah, you're right. Jumping out of a plane, sustaining head trauma, and killing yourself hoping you'd be brought back to life later by alien technology (again, Astonishing X-Men) makes you a total wimp. Also, you try spending your childhood seperated from your family and being experimented on by Mr. Sinister. You try that. Let me know how you turn out.

RUMOR 3-JEAN GREY WANTED WOLVERINE, ANYWAY.

Did she? Well then riddle me this-why exactly did she never leave Cyclops? I mean, if you really want to be with someone, you go to them, right? And did that every happen? Anyone? Jason? Cos I don't remember that happening. So I don't really consider that argument valid at all.

RUMOR 4-WOLVERINE SHOULD BE LEADER ANYWAY. HE'S THE COOLEST!

Imagine it-a leader who does and says whatever he feels with no consideration of what's best for the group-who charges into battle without thinking and frequently pays for his mistakes, despite not admitting them...huh. Familiar. Wolverine is pretty cool, though.

If you still don't agree, just read the entire Joss Whedon run of Astonishing X-Men. He writes Cyclops right-as a MAN.

And you can just add this to the long list of reasons I hate Brett Ratner. Nothing like an off screen death for the longest running leader of the X-Men aside from Professor X (good thing he killed him too).