Turk Theater Presents - Flash Edition

A very special Turk Theater.

Gentle Readers, welcome to another installment of Turk Theater Presents. Today, we step outside TTP's usual scope (see sometimes good, but usually bad movies) and discuss an important and contemporary art form - flash animation. Several months ago, Video Games and Myth discussed Terry Cavanagh's "Don't Look Back" as an artistic re-imagining of the classic Greek myth Orpheus and Eurydice. In that segment's introduction, we discussed the prevalence of flash animation on the internet and elsewhere, and flash's importance as a cheap alternative to studio production that allows animation artists to cut their teeth. While "Don't Look Back" was a creative and impressive use of flash animation, its minimalist style fails to demonstrate flash's incredible range. So, instead of reviewing traditional films, TTP introduces two flash artists from whom I'm always excited to see new creations.

Name: Adam Phillips

Online Alias: chluaid (pronounced "Clyde")

Known Best For: Brakenwood
Website: Bitey Castle

(Picture property of Adam Phillips)

A prodigy illustrator from South Wales, Phillips is a former Disney artist who began making his own flash animations in 2000. By 2003, Phillips created Bitey of Brakenwood, a second installment in an award-winning series that most of his flash-work now surrounds. The series Brakenwood is set on an arboreal planet of the same name, mostly absent of human life. The series predominately follows the exploits of Bitey, a mischievous, satyr-like creature whose advantage lies in his incredible running speed and the possibility that he is the sole, sentient being in a vast forest of unique wildlife. A rascally trickster figure, Bitey spends his days taking all that he wants and running the forest rampant by pranking the unwitting inhabitants on sheer whim. In each installment Bitey attempts to avoid the consequences of his actions at the hand of a different foe, slowly learning the value of camaraderie and friendship in the process. Most episodes feature minimal-to-no talking and entertain the audience with mostly sound-effects, an impressive soundtrack, and the animation on the screen. Below you'll find a link to Phillips' latest work, The Last Dashkin - providing an official introduction to the series protagonist, complete with "Nature Channel-esque" narration (and the option to go without).

It's just... so... pretty...

As you've probably noticed, Brakenwood is full of beautiful, otherworldly landscapes featuring flowing and smooth animation to aid its story telling. Each installment in the series is, at its worst, impressive and, at its best, breathtaking. If you like what you've seen, you'll be delighted to know that Adam Phillips is currently outlining plans for a Brakenwood feature film to come out in the near future.

Name: Michael Swain

Online Alias: The Swain

Known Best For: Blockhead

Website: www.theswain.com

(Picture property of Michael Swain)

A jack-of-all trades, at 27 Swain produces flash animation, flash games, and internet comic strips streaming directly from his website (link above). According to his website and interviews with Newgrounds.com and Brainwash Studio, Swain began animating flash in 2005 - depicting a character he had been doodling on notebooks since the 6th Grade. Originally a mockery of his friends, who could only draw stick-figures, Blockhead quickly evolved into a character that embodied, "ill decision without consequence... bliss through ignorance, and... knowledge without responsibility." In each episodic installment, Blockhead has an "adventure" where he traverses out into the real world with complete disregard for all social standards and morays. Accompanied only by his conscience - an old, fat, mulleted, jersey stereotype - Blockhead commits atrocity after hilarious atrocity at the futile protest of his bitter, tired inner voice. Starting out as a one-note gag, Blockhead's evolution quickly produced musical episodes, fictitious holidays, and a selection of story-telling styles. The entire updated run of Blockhead can be found in the link below - with more to follow in the future:

Introducing...

What I like about Swain is that he's always improving and trying something new. Each Blockhead progressively tweaks and changes, keeping his material from being static and stale. In addition to blockhead, Swain has created the Mastermind series, a collection of webcomics (including... Racist Vampires!?), and his newest work, a flash game/Japanimation Ninja Warrior spoof titled Ching-Chog Beautiful: A Game of Great Endurance Challenge. Swain maintains an interesting, clever, yet slapstick approach to animation while paying apt attention even to the subtle details of his own works. He is always working on something new - keep an eye out for more Swain in the future.

I hope you enjoyed this installment of Turk Theater Presents, Gentle Readers. While unorthodox, I hope it allowed you to explore artistic and entertainment avenues you would not have normally. What did you think? Any favorite artists or animations out there? Post below.

Turk Theater Presents - My Bloody Valentine (2009)

When I started this series I had every intention of watching interesting, intelligent films and conveying my thoughts to you, Gentle Readers. Unfortunately for us both, my insatiable thirst and morbid curiosity for horror movie crapshoots is as persistent as ever. Today's foray into the typically unwatched lead me to slasher-movie remake My Bloody Valentine 3-D starring Jensen Ackles (Supernatural). Except, not in 3-D. Because who the hell owns 3-D movie glasses anymore?

So, in this episode Dean Winchest-I MEAN-Tom. Sorry. Tom Hannigar works for his father's outdated coal mine in a quaint, mountain town that is only named once and isn't worth remembering. One day down in the mine, there's a BIG EXPLOSION... killing next to no one and putting employee Harry Warden into a coma for awhile. Of course, Harry wakes up on Valentine's Day and goes on murderous killing spree, killing everyone in the hospital, removing their hearts while drawing V-day hearts and valentine clichés in blood on the walls. Meanwhile, a Valentine's Day party just happens to be going on back at the mine. Tom just happens to show up with his girlfriend Sarah (they hold hands as soon as they get out of the car AND they're TOTALLY the loves of each other's lives, like, for real) to meet with their two friends, an asshole with a thing for Sarah named Axel (played by Kerr Smith) and his girlfriend Irene, who speaks like she's constantly on the verge of sleeping with someone. In short time, Harry Warden shows up in a mining suit and mask to murder some one-liner characters for reasons unexplained, nearly killing the main characters in the process, possibly intending to kill Tom. And then it doesn't matter because the cops show up and shoot Harry Warden several times, the cave collapses, and Tom is traumatized. It's a sad night in whatever-white-bred-town-this-is.

Ten whole years later, on Valentine's Day, so much has changed for this group of friends. Tom returns from places unknown wearing a sweet coat to sell his father's mine. Axel (now Sheriff Axel) and Sarah have gotten married and formed a family in Tom's absence while Axel grows a puberty beard and cheats on her in a crappy cabin in the woods ("Why can't we ever go someplace nice, like, a motel"). And, Irene... well... the only thing we see of Irene (ok, we see all of Irene for 10 straight minutes) is her riding a large, unfaithful trucker like a bucking bronco, screaming "I look SO HOT RIGHT NOW," while staring at herself in a ceiling mirror inside what I can only assume is the motel mentioned above. Infidelity seems to be a theme. And then someone wearing a miner's suit shows up and the movie proceeds down various twists and bends and, actually, fairly decent performances from our main characters. Axel, Sarah, and Dean-I MEAN-Tom try to figure out whether or not Harry Warden is still alive and who his potential copy-cat may be.

Trust and love are also themes. And, for all the film's flaws, I was impressed by its ability to carry Valentine's Day as a motif outside of a "jilted-lover-revenge-story." The love-triangle between Axel-Sarah-Tom actually influences the story line and even helps skew the perspective from which we view the film. For instance, you're generally supposed to root for Tom's character, however as the movie progresses your opinion of Axel may very well prevent you from seeing things that make Tom more suspect. Sarah is forced to make an important decision in the end concerning trust. I won't tell you what happens, however. You'll have to trust me and take that plunge for yourself.

The film follows like your typical slasher-flick a la Halloween. Harry Warden/The Miner is an unstoppable killing machine fueled seemingly by sheer force of will and whose motivations aren't exactly spelled out. The thrill Harry Warden presents as the "monster" is heightened by the fact that he probably could be stopped. He falls down, winces, and has his weapon taken away frequently, affording his victims some opportunity to best him. This contrasts a film like Halloween distinctly, where Michael Myers (not the comedian/actor) simply will NOT stop his slow gait no matter how much damage he takes and whose motivations can only be assumed because he doesn't speak. Michael Myers's approach is ultimately more frightening, but Harry Warden's is probably more appropriate and effective for a movie with a 3-D gimmick.

Final Verdict - Not a complete waste of time. The plot is fun and fast-paced enough to stay entertaining and the performances are decent for a slasher flick, but it's not going to make horror movie history. Well, outside of being the first wide-released 3-D horror movie in years. Just go in with some friends and a clear sense of humor.

PS - I didn't even mention the facts that 80% of the victims in this movie were white women and the only minority characters present were a Latina maid named Rosa (Sherriffs must get paid well in bumfuck) and Axel's black partner whose sole job is to look at people disapprovingly. I tend to harp on that enough, though. Maybe just being direct about it is better.

Turk Theater Presents - Trapped Ashes

This movie was, for lack of a better term, just bad. 

Now, in college, my friends and I fell into the habit of watching some horrible horror movies. Mostly, on purpose - we found excessive amusement in the novelty of viewing films that had gone horribly wrong, purposely or otherwise. Other times, we instituted a system we called "the Draft." The rules are simple - everyone collects between 1-3 movies they would like to watch and puts them into a stack. Any objections should be voiced here (usually, only for a significant moral reason; ex: someone not being okay with torture, rape, or suicide scenes) as, once a movie is "selected" from the stack, you have to watch it - for better or worse - or else you won't be able to draft for awhile. The stack is passed around clockwise and each person selects one movie to take out and eliminate. It can be for any reason (often including spite or group politics), there are no objections to anyone else's eliminations, and you don't have to explain yourself unless you want to. The stack goes around and around until there's only one movie left where, in good sport and spirit, everyone who's participated so far sits down together for a viewing, regardless of the quality of the result. It's a fantastic system that'll spice up movie nights for almost anyone. Unfortunately, Trapped Ashes fits with the former of the two scenarios above.

To be fair, we (being myself and fellow gentleman Ali D) sat down with the goal to enjoy some glorious B-movie fun at the behest of Fear.net. Although we weren't expecting a "quality" film exactly, there is a significant risk in purveying that selection - the comedic value in "bad horror" isn't always guaranteed. This was a reminder of that fact.

The premise, interestingly enough, seems to mirror the same formula for Chuck Pahalniuk's "Haunted" (and other similar tales). A selection of L.A. residents are given all access, VIP passes on one of the famed "Stars of Hollywood" tours (guided by, of course, the reverend from Wedding Crashers) for one reason or another. During the tour, the group approaches a mysterious, decrepit mansion (who's house it's supposed to be, I forget) where the over-eager crew presses their guide to allow them to enter despite his opposition. Some delightfully bad dialogue, cheesy door slams, and goofy horror gags later the group finds themselves trapped in the basement magically unable to escape. The tour guide, of course, chimes in regarding an urban legend about this mansion - where its occupants gathered in the very room they were in to tell their most horrifying personal stories to one another (Oooooh). Hence, starting off the four-part film and plot-engine for the rest of the movie. It gets really bad and I've taken the liberty of providing a summary of each part with my own titles.

Part 1 - "'Teeth' was already taken, so..."

Boobs that bite and suck blood. Seriously. A young, wanna-be actress opts for plastic surgery to enhance her image, so that she might be able to finally land a leading role. Where she gets the money is never explained, but she undergoes an experimental breast-augmentation using recently deceased tissue. Her new breasts afford her the career, confidence, attention, and sex life she's always wanted. She becomes a porn star (goal... achieved?), and then her breasts start biting people and sucking their blood. It's a problem - she can't control when it happens and her nipples have gone "innie" and grown teeth. After some shoddy investigation work, she stumbles upon a secret lab where she learns that her breasts have been augmented with bio-engineered, blood-sucking organs capable of giving her eternal youth. Oh, and they've been invented by chubby, transexual scientists who've augmented themselves with these "mammpire" (my term. heh.) organs to make themselves forever young. Her big reveal at the end is that she recently killed her poor, loving boyfriend and drank his blood through two martini glasses with straws via her newly bestowed bosom beasts. At a loss for words, yet? You'd think it doesn't get any more misogynistic than that. You'd think that.

Part 2 - "American Man Find Demon Wife for Lesson Learning of Great Importance (US Title)"

A lonely housewife is transformed into a hentai tentacle demon after being seduced by an attractive, yet recently deceased Japanese priest. Yep, they went there. A work-driven businessman takes his wife to Japan during a business trip in the interest in spending some vacation time together (apparently, he promised that they'd have plenty of "alone time," whatever that means). He proceeds to ignore her and she's lured away by said dead priest, where she pours her soul out to him despite the fact that it appears he doesn't understand English. Then, for awhile, they look at a painting of a tentacle creature stripping down and abducting a robed woman. It's awkward, there's moaning involved, and it lead me to believe that the directors are profoundly misinformed on how consensual sexual behavior works.

Later that night, the Lonely Woman, in her dreams, is visited and molested by the rotting image of the dead priest, of which she apparently enjoys (see previous comment on misinformed directors). Her sexual desire aflame (oh god), she wakes up and nakedly follows the priest's voice into a dark cave and doesn't come back. Busy Husband wakes up and searches everywhere, until the Head Priest reveals that Hell, apparently, is in their very backyard and that his wife is going to be trapped there unless he goes immediately to carry her out. Of course, he stumbles through the cave, awkwardly falls, and bam, he's in Hell. Busy Husband beholds the spectacle of his Lonely Wife's transformation into a Voracious Hell-Beast, apparently now capable of sustaining her own erection via one of her tentacles (there's an awkward animation sequence and to save her, he has to shove a Shinto prayer seal down her throat). He carries her out and then they have sex as soon as they make it back to their bedroom, thereby solving all of their problems. The reveal, of course, is that the Wife's burning sexuality is so consumptive that she turns into a demon again and kills said husband with her phallic tentacles because... well... that's what demon-women do, apparently. 

You didn't believe me, did you? And, moving on...

Part 3 - "My Best Friend's 'Girl'"

This story was, actually, pretty decent given the scope of the other parts. And, you've probably heard it before - it's a fairly common folk-tale. They just took out all the good parts. It chronicles the friendship of two aspiring film directors (one of which is Tahmoh Penikett of Battlestar Galactica and Dollhouse fame) who bond over chess and their dreams of, well, just finding themselves some tail. The narrator flashes back to the 50's and talks about the Genius Director who aspired to film the first 24-hour movie and the woman that almost ruins their lives. After getting involved with their fair-share of women, the Genius Director falls for a gorgeous, sexually aggressive woman (who seems to just wear a shirt without pants) and they start spending all of their time together. The Narrator notices that Genius Director has become less driven, inattentive, and weak-looking - derived, mostly, from his making a chess mistake. And, then the Genius Director leaves the country to go to film school and make real movies. He succeeds and writes back occasionally, while The Narrator proceeds to be seduced by the Girlfriend and begins to have an explicit, sexual relationship with her. 

After a few sex scenes involving top-less Girlfriend (who has nails so sharp she can draw enough blood to drink from Tahmoh's chest, and does so often), the Narrator notices that he, like his friend before him, feels weak, depressed, and withdrawn - chocking it up to his guilt for betraying his friend for so long. To the Narrator's dismay, Girlfriend reveals that she had informed Genius Director of their relationship a while ago  and that he was "okay with it and not coming back." Sure enough, the Narrator reads a letter from his friend expressing that he'd "hoped this would happen" and that he was pursuing all of his dreams in Europe. And, then the Girlfriend suddenly leaves the Narrator and he never hears from her again. 40 years later, the Narrator learns that his friend died and left him a roll of film in his will and an apology - noting an awareness of the woman's effect on him and his health, and that he'd stayed out of the country to keep away from her. The Narrator watches the film, revealing that the Girlfriend is really a witch who sucks the blood of her victims to stay alive. It's a silent film from Prague, where the woman kills a man on a grave and proceeds to feed on him.

Anyone else seeing a pattern so far? Thought so.

Part 4 - "Le Tapeworm Mon Frere"

A young, french, goth girl develops an emotional attachment to the tapeworm that infested her mother while her mother was pregnant with her (yep, totally serious). This is supposed to explain why the girl is always hungry and why she's constantly stealing food. The mother and father are attractive French people who immigrate to the United States for no apparent reason (orated by actual dialogue, "But, Papa. Why did we come to America? We were doing so well in France"). The directors continue to demonstrate both a gross misunderstanding of middle-school biology and a lack of knowledge in how tapeworms are treated when the mother is told she is both with child and with tapeworm and that there is nothing they can do until the baby is born. The girl's mother proceeds to go into hysterics and begins to starve herself to kill the tapeworm, convinced that she's saving a baby that isn't really in any danger at this point. Shortly after the girl's birth, the father abducts the girl and runs off with the mother's best friend, leaving the mother to a life of psychosis alone. They live in an apartment in a nondescript US city and the girl grows up with an insatiable hunger. When the girl begins to start stealing food, the new step-mother decides that the best course of action is to abuse and starve her. Upset and hungry, the girl SUMMONS THE TAPEWORM FROM THE WALLPAPER to seek revenge. The tapeworm proceeds to crawl up the step-mother's vagina (complete, of course, with more awkward moaning; see previous comment on misinformed directors) and rip her apart from the inside out. Yay.

Conclusion: Someone has some serious mommy issues and I really don't know what else to tell you. With the exception of Tahmoh (his scenes elicited the response "Huh. Look. Someone who can act"), the performances aren't great and, where this movie attempted to become a B-Movie comic masterpiece, the stories were too outrageous to find either funny or scary (did I mention the mommy issues?). It, actually, kinda made me feel like I just watched some really bad porn.

I advise you pass this one by during your forays into the "Free Movies" section on On-Demand. Unless you don't believe me. But, then again, I think that you could live without knowing.

Turk Theater Presents – Slumdog Millionaire

This will be the only time I ask people to refrain from reading anything on this site. But, stop reading. Stop. Right now. Get in your car. Call a friend and get a ride. Baring that, run. Run to your nearest theater. Dig out that Student ID from the dark recesses of whatever pocket/cabinet/wherever it is that you stashed it and cough up the $7.50 - $10 of hard-earned wallet lettuce for today’s silver screen stimulant. I wish, Gentle Reader, for you to experience this movie just as I had last night - with no preconceived notions or expectations. Believe you me when I say you will have no regrets.

… still here? Fine. You don’t believe me. That’s ok. I’d be skeptical too. Allow me, Gentle Reader, to detail you a little description. I’ll try to give as little spoilers as possible. But, for the spoiler-sensitive (and everyone else for that matter), I advise you, yet again, to stop reading now and go watch Slumdog Millionaire yourself.

Set in Mumbai, India, finalist Jamal Malik has a chance to win 20 million rps on India’s “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” – a thriving game show mirroring America’s own. During a break between shows, Jamal undergoes a ruthless interrogation by the Mumbai Police for accusations of cheating and fraud. Through out the inquisition, the Police review the show’s questions one by one while Jamal attempts to explain how he knew the answers. Each question holds a detail that represents a significant moment in Jamal’s life, depicting his life in the slums and on the road, run-ins with the local crime lords, and the possible permanent loss of the love of his life. Uplifting and sympathetic, Jamal’s is a hero’s story of endurance in the face of brutal, sometimes shocking, violence.

Additionally, the film is simply designed very well. Slumdog uses gritty, mockumentary-style camera view conjoined with sound effects made not only to sound more realistic, but to dissociate the viewer from the safety and comfort found in typical movie sounds. Not to mention the soundtrack, which is stellar and captures the mood of each scene perfectly. Those bored with the typical white-wash that is present day American cinema will be delighted to know that the cast is nearly all Indian and completely devoid of the Caucasian persuasion. The movie is primarily in English, but a substantial amount is not and the parts that aren’t employ a fantastic form of subtitles that will make you wonder, “Why don’t other movies do that!?”

The film isn’t perfect - some may complain the camera style to be “too gritty” for this age of High Definition (I disagree. But hey, who am I?) and that the general premise to be a little unbelievable. Certainly, though, you’ll find that the story and performances allow forgiveness in either department.

Be sure to stay for the credits for a little Easter Egg in the most fantastic (and stereotypical) fashion. And, to my surprise, the film was directed by Danny Boyle (see Trainspotting, 28 Days Later) who, at this point, has convinced me he can both shit gold bricks and piss diamond dust.

The bottom line, people who kept reading, is call your friends. Get this movie seen. In a sea of films filled with “lovable yet conniving” canines, pseudo-vampires, and the Jonas Brothers (seriously), Slumdog Millionaire represents a diamond’s glimmer amongst the sludge for legitimate, respectable filmmaking.

PS – Saw a preview for “The Wrestler”. That’s gonna be awesome.