Monday, April 13, 2009

Standing Up

I think at this point it's safe to say that, throughout history, man has made a lot of accomplishments. He has sailed the seven seas, walked on the moon, and ruminated on the origins of the universe. He invented math, science, and time, and talked about it for millennia. He understands a lot of things in the world. He stands on the globe with a solid, if a bit overpopulated, foot.

One thing, though, that he does not seem to have figured out, is women. Particularly, women and shoes. Even more particularly, why such a large number of women would rather buy shoes than food or shelter or their electricity bill or some other necessary evil.

So I'm going to try, I'm going to try really hard, to give some insight, because I believe I'm qualified and because I have a public medium at my disposal. But as one with dual citizenship, that is, I am most certainly a Gentleman but I can also blend seamlessly with the Shoes and Purses crowd, I can only tell my own story. So here it is.

I love shoes. All shoes. Stilettos, kitten heels, flats, sneakers, boots, mules, wedges, wrap ups, lace ups, slip ons, flip flops, sandals, mary janes, clogs... even jellies have their blistering, sweaty place in my heart.

Shoes change the way I stand. I can be sporty and light on my feet in sneakers, or grounded in boots. Or in heels. Oh in heels. In heels I am tall and muscular and curvy and In Control. My femininity is intimidating! I am curvy and beautiful, but I could kill you if I wanted to. I see the world differently from different heights. I'm demure and respectful in flats, grounded enough for an audition or job interview, but still spunky!

The way I stand changes the way I feel about myself, and I know that's not just true of me.

Shoes are my icing, my little secret ego-boost. I never feel fat in shoes, and if a pair is ugly or uncomfortable it does NOT, I repeat, does NOT ruin my day. Not even a little bit. And certainly not the way an ill-fitting dress would.

It might be too much emphasis on the external, but feeling good on the outside helps me feel good on the inside. And it starts with the way I stand.


Alex said...

Oh heels. I think my favorites are the ones that I can't wear very often because they're so painful that I have to forget how much they hurt before I can wear them again.

B.Graham said...

haha those are good. also I would have been disappointed if you weren't the first person to comment.

David Pratt said...

This is genuinely fascinating insight. It's comparable to the reasons guys like wearing suits.

Jason Heat said...

Don't dare try and link your obessesion with suits to the rest of us sir.

Ozkirbas said...

A. Suits are awesome. Ties, however, not so awesome.

B. Story Time:

I overheard a story told by one of my law school classmates last friday. She is a future real estate lawyer (FREL).

Four years ago, FREL was in Ocean City, Maryland heading to a nightclub sometime between the hours of late at night to early in the morning. The name of the club I can't recall, but upon arrival, she started dancing and, shortly thereafter, was approached by another girl who was blackout drunk. Speaking in slurs, the girl accused FREL of dancing with her boyfriend, which didn't happen because she just arrived, and asked her to "leave now." Unfortunately, the girl was standing between FREL and FREL's shoes, as they were on the other side of the room because she had taken them off to dance more comfortably. FREL loved those shoes.

And FREL wasn't leaving without those shoes.

The two girls started arguing and fighting. One insisting that the other "leave or else" while FREL just "wanted her shoes back." Drunk girl attacked, digging her fake nails into FREL's arms and drawing blood when FREL decked the drunk girl in the face, knocked her down, and continued to pound her while the drunk girl swiped and scraped back. FREL grabbed her shoes just in time before the bouncer could peel her off - leaving to a cadence of "Damn, you go girl. Get those shoes back" and "Yeah, I wouldn't have left without those shoes, too." They're faint, but FREL still has the scars to this very day.

It's funny. Never figured her for a scrapper.

ali d said...

I have no fewer than 8 pairs of black heels. That doesn't include black heeled boots. The second I put any of them on, I feel that sexy little swish in my hips that makes me want to walk in front of the world.

Too bad any shoes of certain height make me taller than most guys I know....

ali d said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alex said...

Now there's one of the few benefits of being ridiculously short: I can wear four inch heels and still not worry about that.

I would also like to note my support for Pratt's suit obsession.

And Brit- how could I not comment on a shoe post?

David Pratt said...

Blogden Nash said...

A suit is the greatest outfit a man can wear. You may be the lowest most useless schmuck in the world, but put on a suit, and suddenly you are Someboday and you have someplace important to go.