Friday, April 10, 2009

The Untold Saga of Scotty Maxwell

Gather round, faithful followers, and I shall tell ye a tale. The story of the Lost Gentleman. This is a story of one man and his struggle to successfully create a blog post. Throughout his trials and tribulations, he has left only the barest of clues as to what we are missing.

No, not Damien Nichols, whom, if you go through the works which were never posted, you will find has written enough unpublished chapters to fill a book.




But he didn't!






His name is Scotty Maxwell, the resident patriarch of all things heavy and metal, and all subsequent combination of the two. And despite being a member of These Gentlemen for some months now, he has never successfully completed a blog entry. In this time, however, he has made attempts. Attempts which may not have been released to the general public, but have nonetheless not gone ignored. Even as Scott himself remains elusive, the stuff of rumors, seen only blurred and in the distance, evidence of his existence as a Gentleman continues to mount.

Is he Bigfoot? That would be so metal.


So today, I will reveal to you these untold sagas. Using only the titles as Scotty left them on the blog, I can reveal to you his true intentions. These are the stories which were never told, but maybe, maybe, someday we will hear from the man himself. Until then, I can only give us a glimpse into what we're missing.

A Gentleman gets his hands dirty, part 1
The first part of a story which tells of Scotty's time working as a hitman for a criminal organization he wisely chooses not to name.
Part 2 details how to hide from the mob by growing your hair out and pretending to love metal.


A breakthrough? After 40 years
Mr. Maxwell shares his evidence with us - he has finally proven that the moon landing was faked.
However, MTV successfully landed on the moon
in 1989.


Breaking the Silence
A heart-wrenching and brutally honest tale in which Scotty opens up and talks about the Priest who abused him.


Scotty still can't listen to "A Touch of Evil."









Why the South should not have won:
This painstakingly researched masterpiece illustrated point by point why we're better off with two Koreas.





Can these wacky neighbors share a
demilitarized zone? It's like a sitcom

with nukes!






Boobs
A touching hymn Scotty composed. Sung in the key of D.



Chorus performed in Double D.







Metal

Mr. Maxwell illustrates his extensive background in chemistry to provide us some insight into the Periodic Table of elements. He puts special emphasis on his own discovery, a metal he anticipates will receive the chemical symbol "Sy."



Atomic Weight: Heavy








Space
A tender and intimate glimpse into those painful moments when relationships "need space." Scotty lets us in on a few hints on dealing with it rationally and logically.
Hey, how'd we get back to this?


War
In an exhaustive study, Scotty goes back from the tim
es of Saladin all the way to Iraq and Afghanistan to give insight into every one of man's major conflicts. In the end, a personal plea to all of mankind to ask ourselves just what generations of strife have given us.

The Answer? Funk.


How to be a Gentleman . . . when you're broke
Scotty recognizes that 50% of being gentlemanly rests in your appearance. In this easy-to-follow guide, he outlines how to look sharp on even the tightest budget.


For extra swanky affairs,
a broken bottle and
shoelace can make a
great monocle.








And so we reach the end of this tale. This is just the beginning, however, of the saga of Scotty Maxwell. So marvel at what he has left behind, for it is only an indication that the work he intends to actually submit is far greater still. Look forward to that day, gentlemen, for it will be a glorious day indeed.Also, he might be Bigfoot.

5 comments:

Ozkirbas said...

If Max was bigfoot, that would be SO metal

Ozkirbas said...

... I meant Scotty....

What if MAX was bigfoot...?

AZ Winer said...

Past IS Prelude...

also I believe this story is FACT. i love it.

Scotty said...

Wow...

Back to the drawing board then.

True story: Moon landing hoax theories are a major pet peeve of mine... more on this later.

It's nice to be reminded that you're loved, even in absentia.

Damo said...

If my unfinished posts could fill a book, the unfinished works of my mind could recreate the world.