30 Tiny Truths - 8

8. You Sir...

If you complain about having sex, you're an asshole.

You know who I hate?

People who complain about getting laid, as though all the charm and fun of the act itself has washed away in that same sense of jaded disillusionment that a hipster has for their favorite band once they reach airplay. As though getting some is some sort of burden they have to bear, when they really wanted to watch that movie, or get up rested for another day at the office. Life is hard for them - they only came once last night.

Fuck you.

I don't care if it wasn't 'that good.'
I don't care if he was a '20 second special.'
I don't care if she used her teeth (I mean, geez, just tell her to stop and FIX THE PROBLEM.)

Sure, it could have been better. No question.
But, the only thing anyone going on a two year dry spell is thinking about when they hear how tedious your intercourse was last night is how satisfying it'll be to hit you in the face.

You didn't have a bad night.
No - laying in bed alone, lightly touching yourself, watching 2 am reruns of The Nanny? THAT is a bad night.
If you're having sex, you're having a fantastic night. And if it's good, hot, dirty, whatever your adjective of choice, sex - your night is only getting better.

I'm talking about consensual relations between two adults. Obviously, there are cases where sex is NOT COOL, and I am not referring to anyone being taken advantage of, or coerced, or any other scenario where things are actually wrong.

But mild disappointment? Some 'been there, done that' blase` malaise?
If you can't appreciate the warmth of a human body next to yours? Soft skin? The fact that someone is actually letting you touch them, nay wants you touch them, and are enjoying it?
If you don't think 'this is fucking awesome' every single time?

Then you sir, are no Gentleman.

And Nick at Night comes for everyone.