Just Framing Marriage and Social Life in a Pseudo-Game Theoretic Way

I have no training whatsoever in game theory or whatever science you might say I'm evoking here, but this is just me riffing, off the cuff, not attempting an academically rigorous thesis of any kind. I proceed with tongue in cheek, please be aware.)

We all want companionship, whether in the form of public socialization or private friendship, active dating or closed marriage, or some mix thereof. Marriage, however, particularly when it leads to childrearing, is the option that does the most to remove the participants (the married couple/parents) from the socialization pool. (Which is not to say that married people never socialize with friends - far from it - but that marriage brings a very, very increased likelihood of essentially removing the couple from the social pool.)

This has nothing to do with what I'm talking about, but it is a really big pool. With a sailboat in it.

This leads to decreased companionship for the married couple's friends, who not only see the couple less, but probably see each other less due to a loss of the social glue/gravity that attracts groups of friends together. If these friends previously were not experiencing a surplus of socialization (a "surplus" meaning, for example, that they would be going out four times a week, when they would have been satisfied with a minimum of twice a week), then they will now have a deficiency of socialization that they need to refill in order to be happiest.

They may be able to fill this deficiency with new friends (or dating, going to bars and clubs, etc), but more likely than not, given enough time, their pool of potential socialization options will decrease to the point where they are now permamently dissatisfied. Part of the reason for this will be that increasing numbers of established friends and potential dating partners will get married; which is to be expected, since some people just plain want to get married and/or have kids and/or they fall in love.

However, this also particularly could happen if, for example, the value of clubbing or dating around or meeting new friends is decreased for them; if the amount of energy these take is not proportional to the socialization received, thanks in large part to the huge turnover of established relationships that is to be expected when your socialization is with entirely new people, devoid of commitment-forming longevity. (To put it more simply, it's not satisfying because these new people they meet don't mean that much to them and keep wandering away.)

Now these dissatisfied persons have only a small number of options: 1) continue to stay dissatsifed, 2) rely on established friends or other less fleeting socialization options, or 3) get married.

1) is obviously sub-optimal. Some will choose 2) and some 3). Of those that choose 3), some will choose it because marriage is attractive to them anyways, and/or they have found a mate, while others will fall into it to escape option 1), especially if option 2) doesn't work for them for whatever reason. Whether or not 2) works for them depends on their own personal proclivities, the availability of like-minded people, and the particular habits and coincidences amongst their immediate social circles. Some people will choose 2) and stay in that option, more or less, for life; there are entire communities built on this. (And as well, it should be noted again, plenty of people blend 2) and 3) successfully.)

However, for many people living in many places and local societies, the more that 3) is chosen, the fewer people there will be available to provide 2), and so, increasingly, 3) will become the only viable option.

It's practically a mathematical trade-off: getting married sacrifices variety and group-cohesion in exchange for intimacy and availability - a sensible choice when one's variety and group-cohesion has already been diminished by... other people getting married.

It's not like this at all. But I wanted another picture.

One might say that, in a pseudo-evolutionary sense, marriage is the most fit competitor in the sphere of socialization options, because it is the only option that eliminates its competitors' "food supply."

Thus marriage leads to more marriage even amongst people who don't want to be married.

(Disclaimer: if it wasn't clear, I am not against marraige. I think it's one viable option amongst many for how to live your life, have a family, raise a child, and/or get your socialization, and which is definitely for some people and definitely not for others. I shall now remove my tongue from cheek. Move along.)

Joy

Forgive me if this is an obvious thing.

I came home tonight after seeing a really great play (Lost in Yonkers at Theater J - go check it out), directed by my mentor and favorite director, featuring a few people I like a lot and a lot of people I don't know. There was free food after, which is always nice, a chance to see a few friends and aquaintances, a moment to watch one of the actors get cornered by a cross dressing freelance music journalist in a cheerleading outfit who I sat next to during the show, and nice weather. An easy drive home and I walked into the door feeling more refreshed and energetic than I have in weeks - which is unfortunate since it was midnight.

Feeling like I had to squander the most healthy feeling and generally at ease moments I've had in awhile, I grumbled my way to the computer to check my e-mail, and then ostensibly to bed. I signed online and was suddenly stuck by a lightning bolt, bounding up the stairs and out the door to clear reception to make a phone call.

Because my friend is getting married.

And I'm so happy.

I've been feeling tremendously disappointed by people for awhile now, living and watching patterns of denial and self destruction, and slowly coming to a sad dawning realization that maybe this is the human condition. Maybe we don't know any better, and hope for more is a delusion. It's a particularly depressing way to look at the world, and one I fought against for a long time. But it's crept up on me, especially after the last two years, and I doubt it's gone away, even after tonight.

But tonight - tonight my friend got engaged. The announcement, big and bold on my computer screen sent a shock through me. The event isn't surprising, but the announcement is, and it's wonderful. I'm so happy for her. Honest to god pure joy. There have been a lot of times recently where I've heard news, and I've been 'happy' because I knew thats how I should feel, so I let it seem like I was - because that was easy and appropriate. But hollow too.
Tonight, I was beaming. Because my friend is happy, and she deserves it. Very much.

Wandering my cul de sac, I flashed back to years ago, walking through a corn field in Havre De Grace, MD, filiming a movie - listening to a girl complain about about a guy who had a crush on her. Now, they're getting married. It's amazing. On the periphery, on the fringe, I've watched this happen - witness to the major events along the way, blind to the small details, like it should be. They're not the first of my friends to get engaged, but this feels different somehow. It feels very right. It's this moment, this punctuation of showing, as she said, 'that with time anything can happen.' That you can want and work and actually receive, and then share.

I'm filled with joy for someone else, and it was only after I got off the phone that I realized I'm just plain filled with it. And how long it's been since I've felt like this about anything.

Tonight is not about me at all. Tonight is about Amanda and Javier. And the hard work, sacrifice, and dedication - the time, maintenance, caring, and effort it takes to cultivate a relationship to this level alone. Tonight is a gift for them.

And yet, they've given me this incredible gift too.

Forgive me if this is obvious, but I've only just remembered - being happy - just looking at a little red heart next to an announcement on a computer screen - is a wonderful thing.