A Letter to the NFL, Halfway Through My First Season of Watching Football

Dear NFL,

I want to be paid $100 million to lose at football. If you needed me to, I could lose every game.

I’m actually brilliant at losing at football; it’s a special skill I’ve always had. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve never won a football game in my life. I’m 5’3” and at least a little bit out of shape, so if I was drafted, I would be sure to get injured almost immediately. I could sit out of practices because of my injury, and then I’d really be set to lose beautifully come game day. I don’t even know all the rules so you would be sure to get lots of yellow flags on my behalf. I could break rules, step outside lines, excessively celebrate, and fumble like the pros.

I’m especially good at fumbling; that’s where my true genius lies. The ball would never touch my hands if I had anything to do with it, and if it did I would make sure it slipped out of my fingers before I ever hit the ground. I would give back to the fans, too: I would make sure to wear giant diamond earrings while on the field to prove to my viewing public that I’m spending my $100 million well. If there is anything I can do better than lose at football, which I highly doubt there is, it is spend money.

So NFL, if you’re looking to draft a player who can lose beautifully and gracelessly, for I’m also no amateur at the well-placed tantrum, and who can spend all of my money before you unceremoniously drop me once I’ve gotten one too many concussions or you’re tired of the on- and off-field antics you originally condoned, then I’m your man. Or woman, as it were.

Which brings me to the selling point of a woman on the field. Imagine the hordes of fans who would buy tickets just to show up and boo! Imagine the football Barbies, the sold-out pink jerseys, the media circus! Sports journalists are bored of the 24-hour news cycle of football players shooting themselves in the leg and dog fighting. I know you’re not used to doing business this way, but just think of the dollar signs! I deserve every penny of that $100 million; in fact *I* feel a bit gypped, but I’m willing to go out on a limb for you. I’ll put my incredible losing abilities on the table for only a short time, though, so you’ll have to act fast, and preferably in the most rabid, classless manner possible. I’ll be waiting for your call.

Thanks,
B.Graham

Not Cool, Brett Favre.

So I watched this video on YouTube a couple minutes ago. Here take a look.

**Insert imbedded YouTube video that was pulled from YouTube by the NFL here**

For those of you who can't see the clip, Brett Favre, quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, is shown performing a crackback block on Eugene Wilson of the Houston Texans on Monday, August 31st.

Crackback blocks are banned from football for a reason. As the commentator noted in the video, people could suffer serious injuries or even lose their careers after being blocked like this. At the angle that the defender is running, he can't anticipate the hit and adjust to take the blow, let alone hit back. It's a coward's move, designed to deal the highest amount of damage to an opponent with little risk to the person blocking. It happens in high school football fairly frequently, as players are often poorly trained how to block properly, or they simply lack discipline.

But this guy is a professional. What's unusual about this situation is that it's Brett Farve, former Green Bay Packer legend, now a Viking giving cheap shots. I can only imagine coming so close to the Super Bowl in 2008, only to fall short against the eventual league champions, was devastating to an almost retired Favre. I think he's losing it at this point. He's not himself anymore. Maybe his rib problems made him feel like he couldn't perform a legitimate block.

But there's really no excuse. This kind of stuff is unacceptable. I mean people in their mid twenties like myself grew up in the Favre era, and can remember him winning the Super Bowl against the New England Patriots. I can remember his emotional win on his first game back after his father had passed away. And now this.

It's upsetting to see a living legend turn into the playground bully right before your eyes.