wtf cnn

Tiger Woods' "public apology" aka "mandatory rote speech for his corporate sponsors" is NOT BREAKING NEWS.

Also his infidelity did not affect my life in the least, except that the news coverage of it invariably pissed me off. He should apologize, privately, to his wife and children. And that is it.

THERE ARE REAL THINGS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD WHY IS THIS ALL OVER YOUR HOMEPAGE.

Money for Nothing

So...stop me if you've heard this one, but yet another a pro athlete (it's a GOLF player this time!) has had sexual relations with a woman that isn't his wife! Yes, that's right, famed goody-goody, multimillionaire, and role model to the children (not any more!) TIGER WOODS went ahead and cheated on his wife! Possibly with more than one woman! Can you believe it? He married a Swedish model, had some kids, and then decided to see what he could dip into on the side! Go get it, Tiggy!

Honestly, this happens so frequently, it's no longer out of the ordinary. What's strange now is when an overpaid athlete DOESN'T cheat on his wife. And athletes can go on and on about how "they aren't role models" and, in Tiger's case say that their "transgressions" should be private, but at the end of the day, here's the thing: they don't have a choice. When you sign that contract, or you cash that check, you become an idol for not just kids, but sports fans all over the country. Is it right to pry into a man's extra marital affairs when it's none of anyone's business? No, of course not. But famous people have been living their lives under a microscope for years. It's nothing new. And when the American public, or, in Tiger's case, the WORLD, is paying such close attention to your life, there are certain things you have to be prepared to deal with that "Ted the bus driver from Omaha" doesn't.

So here's a little trick I've thought of to help out pro athletes who have trouble keeping their dicks in their pants. When you get paid, just imagine that, say, 20% of your check is your "Role Model Bonus (20% being somewhere around $200,000 for the average low income athlete)." This is money you are receiving in exchange for setting a good example for the people who look up to you, just by virtue of your being a professional athlete.

"But I don't want to be a role model!" You say. "It sounds like lots of work!" But it's not! Actually, to be a role model, all you really have to do is NOT do things! For example-

-Do NOT cheat on your wife!
-Do NOT take drugs!
-Do NOT get in fights at bars (or with dogs, LOL!)

And so on and so forth. Think of it as getting extra money-just for NOT doing something! Wow! What a deal!

Or here's another totally crazy and kind of out there idea...if you think you might cheat on your wife, DON'T GET MARRIED. Just don't do it. Then, it's not cheating-it's just sleeping around. You know, like Tom Brady when he knocked up his girlfriend and then left her for Gisele Bundchen. People still call him the "Golden Boy!" And that's because he wasn't married when he treated a woman as an object. See? Simple.

So Tiger, he's the solution. Quit golf forever. Sell your house. Become a line cook at "Big Chuck's Truck Stop Diner" in Nowhere, Alabama. Change your name to "Biff Pennington," or "Clyde Waterman" or something like that. And then, on your salary of $11 an hour, you can cheat on your wife and maintain the privacy you deserve. I think you'll find it all evens out in the end.

Tomorrow is July 4th, right?

We were playing Foosball (as we do every single day, Feldman and I), when we heard a large crash and a bang.

We were startled! What a NOISE! And our door! Open! Could something have entered? The dire possibilities were endless! We even had to pause our game! Horrendous!

Then the dog began barking, loudly! Yapping and squealing - clearly something she disapproved of had approached. We knew this was a time for caution.

I approached, carefully, steadily. No sign of movement beyond the frame of the door. Behind our screen day, an empty space. At my feet, a pack of paper.

I reached down, and removed the rubber band.

What is it? Feldman asked with his eyes, showing curiosity.

"Well, a page of advertisements," I say, beginning the list of things in the packet. "A renter's insurance form for you, something for Loren, oooh my paycheck, ummm, something from Wells Fargo for ya?, and, tomorrow's newspaper."

I paused. I know I read that right. Did you read that right? Feldman pauses too. Then approaches. He had been reaching for the insurance forms but then, resisting hesitation, aims for the newspaper. He grabs with his left hand, as I hold the other side of the paper in my right. And we look. We double check the date. We look at the photos. We look at the headlines. We triple and quadruple check the date. Then we both say it aloud. Just, to be sure:

"It's Saturday."
"No, it's Friday."
"What's friday?"
"Today. Today is Friday."
"July the 4th."
"No, tomorrow is the fourth. We just talked about what we're doing tomorrow for the fireworks downtown. It has to be tomorrow."
"It's 2009, right?"
"Yeah. And today's the 3rd."
"I don't know, I didn't have work today. You did."
"I did. That was today, right?"
"I dunno. Where have you been all morning?"
"At work at the station."
"Well then yeah. We're trusting you then."

Well folks, from the looks of it, Tiger Woods will head into this weekend's AT&T Congressional tournament in Bethesda atop the leaderboard, the security gates to the National Mall will open at 10AM tomorrow morning (the Red Line will be running at full speeds but you should still expect delays of up to 30 minutes), and there's a rumor leaking that Mayor Fenty has hidden in a locked safe many documents proving DC has many firefighters that would not pass a background test - including many with charges on their records such as asault with a deadly weapon, and DUI's. Huh.

Sure is a strange phenomenon though, right? I mean, why would someone deliver this to us! Why us? I mean, no one here has a subscription to the Washington Post. Why would we get this?