Officials asking for public's help in critically missing job

The District of Columbia's 4th District Officers are asking for assistance from the public to locate a job reported missing this morning from the District.

The job was last seen talking on the phone as it attempted to find breaking news in the DC-metro area. Witnesses interviewed by district officers say that the job was last seen at around 12:30 p.m. on Monday June 29th, walking out the door of the newsroom.

The job is described as a news and information-gathering position that includes making calls to sources and taking calls from reporters and the general public. Job position also known to assist reporters in setting up and scheduling interviews as well as story assignments. Often seen assisting reporters and other assignment desk personnel in researching news stories, finding file video, as well as helping in the scheduling of photographers.

Police officials do not believe foul play was involved, but both police and family are concerned for job's safety and welfare. The job and the job position holder had been together for over 1 year.

Anyone who has information about the job's whereabouts or information about other potential jobs is asked to email the job position holder's non-emergency contact at adamzwiner@gmail.com.

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From the Office of Public Information
District of Columbia

My Recent Notes on DC

Maybe it's the pretentious part of me, or perhaps the older-brother in me, that it means something to me that I do something before it becomes popular. Like with music - whether its listening to Maroon 5 or Matt & Kim - I heard them before you, and for some reason that matters to me. My brother DW - those were my band shirts that were handed down to him, and that was my car that was passed down to him - so there!

Maroon 5... yeah!

So you can just imagine that as the District becomes more and more trendy, I get more and more self-righteous about it. Maybe it's the Obama-factor, or maybe it's all in my head, but it does seem to me that DC is the place to be these days. I moved to DC in August of 2008 for my job, then Obama moved to DC in January of 2009 for his job, and now apparently everyone else is doing the same as well.

Evidence below.

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One of the biggest reasons DC is the place to be is because of jobs:

a) Reputable author and business professor Richard Florida named the District of Columbia the country’s best big city for recent college graduates - based on the job market and cost of living.

b) Another new survey of recent grads by job search company CareerCast.com found D.C. second only to New York City among their most desirable locations, beating out bigger cities like Los Angeles, Boston and San Francisco.

c) Nationally, unemployment for those in their late 20's reached 11% this year - the highest it's been since 1983. For those my age, in their early 20's, unemployment was at about 14%. But DC bests the trends. Overall, nationwide unemployment is about 9 percent; in the D.C. area, it's about 6 percent.

d) The CEO of a major job-placement company said people should go to Washington to look for work. "With all of the work that needs to be done to turn around this economy, and the large number of people in line to retire in D.C. in the next five years, it's not a bad place to look," the CEO said. All this is from the Washington Examiner.

e) Kiplinger's Personal Finance magazine recently named DC the third-best city in the country for employment - the DC-metro area boosted by a spendthrift federal government and a consistent 16-million tourists annually.

f) The Washingtonian recently compiled a list of the Top Reasons to Love DC. Number 7 was - you guessed it - JOBS!

People work here!

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Apparently TV people need jobs too, and DC is becoming the place to go for Reality TV:

a) At first it was just Newsweek doing a reality TV spoof called "The District"

b) And then we heard that MTV's Real World would be in DC.

c) And then we heard that BRAVO's Real Housewives series might be coming to DC.

An Open Letter to the Company that Just Rejected Me

To Whom it May Concern-

Well, you've done it. I didn't think you'd figure me out, but you've caused me to carefully reconsider the next time I try to pull the wool over someone's eyes. Yes, it's true, I am the stupidest person on the planet, and you, being the expert interviewer that you are, realized it immediately, and justly denied me employment with your company. Nice work.

It's true, I am a complete moron, the dumbest of the dumb, the literal king of stupid. There's no way I could have handled a job that required 20 hours a week of my time, and called for such nearly impossible duties as "order the company more coffee," or "stuff and mail these envelopes." Surely, such activity would have only ended with me huddled in a corner on the floor slapping myself in the face, or jumping up and down on my desk, while screaming, "Daddy, the poop is here." For after all, I am the stupidest man alive.

I know. My resume made it through your screening process. But I do not blame you for this. I have cushioned it with such powerful sounding jobs as "Second City Box Office worker" and "Jewish Camp Song Leader." When you saw these past employments, you must have thought, "Clearly, this is a serious worker, and one we must interview." But when we first met, that's when it all came undone. I shook your hand, smiled, and said that yes, I was very interested in the position. I lied as I told you my past experience would most definitely qualify me for the job. But you, brave interviewer, saw right through it to the monster I was. With each word that fell out of my mouth, you saw me for what I truly was, a complete doofus for whom a simple and menial task like "order these papers" could only result in urine, tears, and the fateful end of the office kitchen.

In closing, all I can really do is repeat just how impressed I am that you were able to weed me out, when I put on so cunning a display for you. You are truly good at your job, and I now know for certain your company will only continue to prosper. Now, if you will kindly excuse me, it's time for me to spread butter all over my face and burn off my pubes with hot lava. Good day!

Yours,
Daniel Strauss