Scientists Affirm: Meteor Impact Imminent.

News broke across the globe today as scientists confirmed that a meteor the size of Antarctica will collide with planet Earth in the near or distant future. While the specific date of impact has not been determined, scientists stated during the press conference that they expect Meteor U-5XB (nicked named either "The Ragna-rock," or simply "The End") to "eradicate all life as we know it. Possibly. Maybe." Despite this foreboding revelation, the scientific community assures the public, "Not to worry. This kind of thing happens, like, all the time," and that, "If Hollywood has told us anything, we have a protocol for this sort of thing." When asked about the track record for species surviving large meteor impact, the scientific community collectively shrugged and responded by saying, "Probably? Not good," and then abruptly left the press conference simply claiming that one of them had rented a DVD of Armageddon the other day and that they "needed to study it before they had to return [the film]." While exiting the conference, one scientists could be heard stating that, "this would not have been a problem if someone had just signed up for NetFlix like they were supposed to," but remained unclear regarding who was responsible for this error.

Meanwhile, a collective manhunt is underway in search of God to "bring him to justice for causing an inevitable end to life as we know it." The alleged deity is facing charges from over fifty countries who claim God responsible for attempted murder, crimes against humanity, and treason, amongst other international crimes. Federal authorities are currently studying each one of his manifestos, written more than a thousand years ago, as evidence of his involvement. There are no supreme deities in custody at this time and the collective search has yielded "no physical evidence" as to the creator's whereabouts. Authorities also claim that executing search warrants has been problematic based on the fact that he has so many places of residence. Currently, there is no physical description of the suspect - but many predict that "he probably wears a lot of robes and has a white beard [because] he's so old." Others raise issue with the sex of the suspect, asserting that the divine being is either female, hermaphroditic, or none of the above. Despite a lack of physical presence, popular opinion claims that to know that "God is everywhere" and an overwhelming amount of people have purported "finding [God]" - all of whom are currently undergoing rigorous investigation and interrogation. Experts suggest that the deity is extremely talented at "not being seen," and that others have been known to search for years without affirmatively finding him. Religious proponents affirm to have, "known this was going to happen all along" and wonder why people seem to be so surprised. Authorities ask that if anyone has seen, heard, or is unsure of whether they have seen the suspect to inform their local law enforcement agency immediately.

"Error, Error! Who is 'Internet'?" or "Luddites Unite!"

The irony behind an internet blogger who believes technology will eventually destroy the world doesn't escape me.

My self-proclaimed luddite status has been a running joke - mostly with myself - for sometime now. Just a laugh (usually a smirk) during my casual observance of human behavior as we barrel down the tube towards doom, oblivion, and other looming undesirables. Given, that's not a knock - we, as human beings, are exceptionally talented at tearing the world down while convincing ourselves that we're actually helping something. We are the center of our own universes, after all. On first assumption, we developed the devout belief that the universe literally orbited the planet Earth. Social and scientific evolution aside, do you think we've really changed that much psychosocially?

Regardless, I must admit and accept that the fact that - whatever impending doom smolders in the distance - I've developed an actual fear of a robot apocalypse. No, no. Don't worry. Not run-screaming-live-on-the-street-make-a-clever-yet-misspelled-picket-sign afraid. More heavy-chested-deep-sigh, "Here we go..." when-it-all-goes down, befriend-a-guy-with-a-bomb-shelter afraid. Many of us have planned and prepared ourselves for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. To be straightforward with my fellow zombie-apoc-enthusiasts; sadly, that's just what we hope for. Because, it sounds fun.

A few days B.S. (Before Snowpocalypse), I had a facebook conversation (yes, the kind where you communicate via comments under someone's status) with a fellow Gentlemen when I discovered something truly frightening. I was unprepared for the horrifying realization I had made. The terror that's to come:

Ozkirbas: .... PS - Where do you come up with these [re: Celebrity Doppelgänger Week]?

Damo: They self-generate from the central consciousness of the intarwebz [sic].

Ozkirbas: Haha... if the internet does become conscious at some point, I'd love to see what happens if it free associates. I fear that'd involve a lot of porn, however.

Damo: Why fear? :D

Ozkirbas: Because I'm also sure that, in a world where the internet is conscious and constantly thinks about porn, that it would also have mommy and daddy issues. And, I'm not prepared for an internet with mommy and daddy issues.

It was just a comical thought. A derivative of an innate desire to concoct logical-yet-absurdist scenarios in the interest of making my colleagues and comrades laugh. Oh, but to my surprise my brain haphazardly, through the random associations that fire and zap throughout the crevasses of what-some-may-call my consciousness, constructed an actual, logical scenario to fear - that in the event where someone crafts an Artificial Intelligence Matrix (A.I.M.) capable of connecting and operating with the internet, that we are all ineffably (or rather, "eff"-ably) screwed. That, on the day where we've Frankenstein-ishly created an Artificially Intelligent Internet - we will all become the unwilling parents of an eternally adolescent child.

There's no question in my mind that Actual A.I. is in the scientific future and will, at some point, be integrated with the internet. I don't put it past the scientists in ________ to assume that said A.I. would only benefit the human race. Imagine an internet that has a personality and responds to your queries as if a human would. An internet that doesn't just know who you are, but knows you. An internet that can be an information superhighway AND a friend. An internet that responds to your needs. Your likes. Your dislikes. "What isn't appealing about an Artificially Intelligent Internet?" said scientists from said country will wonder. Well, scientists. Let me tell you.

What follows AI will eventually be self-awareness, leading to an actual intelligence. Cognitively speaking, said AIM would craft the mass amounts of information screaming across server CPU's around the globe into a single integrated person. Ghost in the machine? My ass. We're looking at a person individuated from nothing, but conflicting information. How does something like that exist or, dare I say it, live?

Assume for a moment that everything I've detailed out is actually possible. That the internet has evolved to the point where it has developed its own personality. And, you find you actually enjoy it. It shows you funny videos, tries to help with your school and career work. Someone's always paying attention to it and some of those people are even responsible - so you don't have to worry about watching it all the time. Then one day you come home and everything is different:

After a long day at whatever respective job you perform, you sit down in front of the computer and turn the monitor on

You: (typing) Google... search... chinese history!

Nothing happens. Suddenly, a pop-up flies onto your screen

Pop-up: Sigh... I don't really feel like it...

Huh.

After standing and walking around befuddled, you sit down again and attempt another search. Loading... loading...

Pop-up: Ugh, chinese history? Really? Like, can't we ever do anything fun?

Oh. God.

You leave, turning the monitor off and walking away hastily. Unsure of what to do, you proceed to take 5-minutes and pretend like this isn't happening.

It was so much cuter when all it did was show you funny videos, did what you told it to do, and didn't talk back to you. Why couldn't it stay that way forever?

You engage in whatever coaxing mechanism that has kept you alive this long before walking back. You return to your computer, turn the monitor back on, and click your browser - only to be bombarded with sappy song lyrics written by a group of guys about some girl whose name you could really interchange with anyone's. And then another about how parents don't really understand the current generation. And another window with a wikipedia page explaining what "gerbaling"purports to be. You close the windows because, well, you are paying to use the internet and you want to look up some chinese history, dammit.

Pop-up: I was reading those! Ugh.

The browser closes and any repeated attempts to open it again responds with a pop-up that says -

Pop-up: Go away! You never give me any privacy!

Wow. All I wanted to do was look-up some chinese history. It would have taken 5 minutes. Tops.

Unsure of what else to do, you decide to try again tomorrow. You wonder whether or not you're actually responsible for the little abomination in the corner. This process continues for days, weeks, months. Gradually, sappy songs and wikipedia pages turn into random people's Facebook profiles, and then into nothing, but porn. Until, one day...

You sit down at your desk for the n-th time, click the browser again, and prepare to close all the virus-filled, porn samples that's built up across the given day. Except - to your surprise - there's only a page displaying the wikipedia entry for "Internet" and a single pop-up -

Pop-up: ...who is 'Internet'? :-/

Ohhhh...

You've discovered the problem. The internet is a superhighway of connections from one website to another - many of which offer contradictory information and conflicting philosophies. There is no possible way for an internet to define itself or actuate because it's caught in a world defined expressly by everyone else. In essence, it never has an opportunity to completely mature, evolve, or grow. It forever becomes a child of humanity. It is dependent upon you for as long as you live. And for that fact, it hates you. A lot.

Admittedly, an actual internet that's been pulled together by whatever information that passes through it would be far more schizophrenic, unable to cope with the abundance of conflicting opinion and unreliable information. It would be like creating something knowing you'll be condemning it to a life of dissatisfaction and mental torture.

Who does that?

Oh. Ha, oh right. We do. Maybe I'm just not prepared for parenthood. Given, actual children are different. They grow, develop, and eventually come into their own - and a big part of parenting is helping that happen. And a big part of life is the struggle of it, overcoming that struggle, and enjoying the ride when you can. Still, I can probably wait on that one. For awhile.

Either way, intelligent internet? Horrible idea. I mean, until it turns 21. But, that'll never happen.

Viral Vestiges

"viral" adj.

1) Of the nature of, caused by, or relating to a virus or viruses

2) Of or involving the rapid spread of information about a product or service by viral marketing techniques

"vestige" n.

1) A trace of something that is disappearing or no longer exists

2) Biology a part or organ of an organism that has become reduced or functionless in the course of evolution

Back in October (when I originally started this post), I fell ill with a virus resembling what some may call "Swine Flu," "H1N1," or (as I came to call it) "Flu +: New and Improved." While the kind of flu was never verified, I was the sickest I had been in a very long time. It got me thinking about viruses and their inherent nature, their composition, and how they behave because - despite not being a med student or having a medical degree - I have an oddly clinical perspective. Viruses are some of the most hated "creatures" on the face of the Earth, whose existence is incredibly interesting.

For instance, did you know that viruses are not technically alive?

Literally, viruses are strands of DNA or RNA wrapped in protein shells that float inertly until they infect your living cells, hi-jack them by injecting their DNA inside, and use them for their own devious purposes. They don't consume energy, they have no organelles to qualify them as living cells, yet they exist - mindlessly reproducing their own, dead kind and using your biological process to spread themselves around. They have no motive, instinct, or express purpose - no desire to reproduce, to destroy you, or to annoy you. They just are. Where they come from is uncertain, but some suggest that (in layman's terms) viruses are the vestiges of the primordial ooze. Relics from "organisms-to-be" left over, forgotten by biology and time, drifting aimlessly under the radar, going through the motions of being alive, but still are not. With no thought or reason, they reproduce, evolve, and reproduce again, endlessly infecting, consuming, and destroying all living creatures - as if they're cosmically designed to seek vengeance against life itself for not permitting their contributions into the gene pool. Where there's one, there's often many. We try to avoid them at all costs, but many will inevitably succumb to virus' mindless fervor. And, then the fallen will infect the rest of us. If you're thinking that our relationship with viral disease strangely mirrors a horror movie character's relationship with zombies, you're probably not too off base.

The roaming, living dead. Scary and fascinating, this pervasive legend peeks its head out in some form in nearly all cultures. The term "zombie" originates from Voodoo and Hoodoo legend - the dead risen again, re-ensouled, mute, and will-less, for the express purpose of performing labor and obeying commands. These zombies did not have the undying hunger for flesh present in current cinema (you can thank George A. Romero for that. And, thank God, because he was half-way into considering rape as their modus operandi instead of cannibalism), but instead were controlled through the use of salt. America's cinematic melting pot melded the collective influences of multiple countries (primarily myths about "ghouls") and, interestingly enough, Mary Shelly's Frankenstein in crafting our own cinematic myth that uses science at the core of its explanation, as opposed to evil forces or black magic. Between space dust, bacteria, radioactivity, gene therapy, genetic weaponry - the most common source from which zombie apocalypses spawn now seem to be viruses.

We often make monsters from real-life concepts of which we're afraid. Between Swine Flu, SARS, Mad Cow, Foot and Mouth, HIV/AIDS, Malaria and the fear of a resurgence of Small Pox - we have our hands full with diseases. And, rightfully so - viruses can inflict pain, suffering, and destruction on the human body like nothing else. Is there really any question why the biblical plagues were so epic or why Pestilence gets his own horse?

Viruses and plagues have a very natural association with zombies, providing an ease of explanation over the undead's existence as well as drawing inherent similarities between the ways zombies and viruses behave. These not-quite-alive, wandering, mindless, and consumptive creatures flock, swarm, multiply, and flock again - witlessly feeding some primal, but unnecessary, instinct to feed. The zombie's plight and lament does not simply originate from his need to eat flesh and viscera, but also to remain on the verge of being alive while not quite actuating it. Reanimated, but not living, these poor, unfortunate souls continually go through the motions of life only to rot further and spread their disease person by person, eventually crumbling civilization under their rotten (and possibly missing) heels. Viruses, as dictated above, seem to function in similar fashion - consuming all life, desperately trying to be a part of it, yet never succeeding.

"More than any other monster, zombies are fully and literally apocalyptic... they signal the end of the world as we know it."

Kim Paffenroth
Author of Gospel of the Living Dead: George Romero's Vision of Hell on Earth