Gentleman in Residence - Jess: At Least I Can Say Please and Thank You

See Jess' previous Gentleman in Residence posts here and here.

I've developed a new sympathy (or perhaps empathy) for immigrants who come to the U.S. and don't learn English. I used to be one of those people who disdainfully said, "Well, if you're going to move to a country you should at least learn the language." However, that was before I decided to move to a country that has one of the hardest languages for a westerner to learn.

There are many things that make Chinese really hard to learn. For one, it's a tonal language. There are four tones, indicated in pinyin by a line over the letter: rising (á), falling (à), flat (ā) and a final one that starts high, dips in the middle and then ends high again (ǎ). These accents, incidentally, can be used on any letter. The thing that makes this particularly challenging, however, is that the pronunciation of the word impacts the definition. For instance, the word da.
Dā: to hang over something
Dá: to answer
Dǎ: to hit
Dà: big

They're not subtle differences, are they? This system is necessary in Chinese because there are only about 400 syllables available, as opposed to 4,000 in English. Even that would be easily overcome, except that Chinese people seem to be incapable of using context to figure out what you're trying to say if you use the wrong tone. It's hard to even compare to English. The word "ma" can mean mother, horse or marijuana, depending on the tone. If I say, in English, "That's a pretty marijuana" when pointing at a horse, you're likely to think "I bet she meant horse, not marijuana." You'd correct me and we'd go on. But the Chinese don't do that. They just say, over and over, "What? Marijuana?" as you attempt to cycle through the tones. At some point you hit the right tone for horse and they all nod, delighted that you put together a coherent sentence.

The system of using the Western alphabet to transcribe Chinese characters is called pinyin, and it's hard enough to learn that I'm not even focusing on characters while I'm here. There are 26 letters, the same as in English, but there are two different Us, and six combinations of letters that nearly all sound completely identical to me. These include zhi (which supposedly sounds like if you say 'g' and then clench your teeth together and make a 'zh' sound), shi ('s' as in shhh, then an 'ew'), zi (put your tongue behind your top front teeth, then try to say 'z', then add an 'ish' on the end) (no, I'm not joking. I made one of the other teachers say this one 11 times before I could even approximate the sound) and si ('s' as in the noise a snake makes, then add a 'zuh' to the end.)

Chinese is hard enough to me to learn that it doesn't take a lot of negative reinforcement to make me think that it's not worth my time to learn it at all. For instance, even though the expat community in Nanjing is nearly insignificant compared to Beijing or Shanghai, the machines in the metro station have English options. All the restaurants give you menus with pictures.

All in all, I have the feeling I'm going to leave China with very nearly the same vocabulary I came here with, which is to say: none at all.

Gentleman in Residence - Jess: All The News That's Fit to China

See Jess' first Gentleman in Residence post here.

You know how, when you get a new car, all of a sudden you start seeing the same car everywhere? It's as if suddenly everyone in your town decided they also desperately needed a silver Saturn SL1.

I've noticed something similar happening with China in the news since I got here. I'm positive it's just that I never really paid attention to articles about China before it suddenly because relevant to my life, but U.S. news sources suddenly seem to be paying a lot of attention to what's going on here. And most of it seems to be really bad.

Now, I'll give you that the past couple weeks have been kind of exceptional, with the news that the imprisoned Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo won the Nobel Peace Prize (Not to mention the Chinese government's subsequent crackdown on celebrations) and Tim Geithner attacking Chinese currency policy, the House of Representatives passing a bill trying to prevent trade imbalances due to Chinese currency manipulations and the news that U.S. candidates have apparently decided that the catchphrase of the day is "Blame China!"

Still, I've also seen articles about Chinese vacation policy, the differences between education in China and America, and the question of whether or not there is free speech in China (short answer: no, unless you're a foreigner, or rich), news that China is fighting a report alleging that Chinese ammunition and weapons have been sold to Darfur, and the Obama administration launching an investigation into Chinese clean-energy subsidies.

I can't claim that my month and a half living here has imparted some great wisdom about the Chinese people. But I do think that, left to the western media's devices, you're never going to hear anything but bad news about China. So, interested in reading about something other than how evil Beijing is? Here's a couple blogs I follow to get news about what's going on in everyday China:

China Geeks takes a lot of Chinese media sources, translates their stories and then provides analysis. China Geeks also has an awesome blogroll if you want to find more things to read.

China Smack, a gossip site similar to Jezebel, only without the feminist bent.

This Ridiculous World, an expat blog that is usually hysterical.

My Laowai, another really funny blog. Laowai is a word that literally means foreigner, but can be used as a very negative name to call obnoxious non-Chinese.

Gentleman in Residence - Jess: Four Improbable Things I Do Every Day (In China)

Friendly Gentlereaders: I am proud to introduce Jess, who will be the first poster in our new Gentlemen in Residence series.

For the month of October, inagurual GiR Jess will contributing posts about her very exciting (and improbable) life teaching English overseas in Nanjing, China (population: only half a million less than NYC). You can also read about her adventures at her own blog, jesseract. But for now, we've got her here, so read on below and give her a Gentlemanly welcome!

~Brett

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Hallo, Gentlemen! My name is Jess, and I'll be guest blogging from China every Sunday for the next month. I moved to China largely because I'm impetuous and make poor decisions when I'm bored and unhappy (see also: joining the Navy, moving to D.C., breaking up with various boyfriends...), but I've been told that what I lack in rationality I make up for in bizarre adventures.

For my first post I've decided to give you a broad overview of my life in China, using, of course, a list. Enjoy!

4 Improbable things I do every day

1) Squat to pee

Everyone who reads my blog (or my Facebook, or my Twitter, or talks to me on IM, or has met me on the street and speaks English) is probably really tired of my complaining about the squatters. But I can't help it. Day-to-day, my life is not that different from life in the U.S. But every time I go to the bathroom and I'm confronted by a porcelain hole in the floor, it's a stark reminder that I am no longer in Kansas. I mean, even in Kansas they use toilets.

What, you want comfort? Capitalist pig!

2) Stalk white people

I am alone, adrift in a sea of Asian faces. I have found myself going blocks out of my way because I'm stalking white people in Nanjing. This has, at times, backfired, like when I followed a whole group of white people around the Nanjing museum for 20 minutes before I realized that they weren't speaking English, were actually Italian, and were beginning to wonder if they should alert the authorities about the crazy short girl who was ineptly attempting covert actions.

It's exactly like this, but in China.

3) Use chopsticks

I know what you're thinking: "Ok, Jess, I'll give you that squatters are gross, and, well, stalking white people isn't exactly normal, but you're in China. Even Americans eat Chinese food with chopsticks, even if they do it so poorly that they end up flicking pieces of broccoli across the room."

Yes, I agree. But I have only to show you one picture.

The horror.

See? Chinese people eat *birthday cake* with chopsticks. It's weird. Also, using chopsticks seems to have impaired my fork-using skills. By the time I get back to the U.S. I'm going to have to resort to shoveling the Chipotle burrito bol I've now been craving for 42 days into my mouth using my hands.

4) Carry toilet paper with me

Every time I reach into my pocket and pull out my little packet of toilet paper, I think, "My grandmother would be so proud of me."

Seriously, though, public bathrooms don't supply toilet paper here. What this means in practice is that upon the insult of the squatter is imposed the injury of having to dig through your pockets or your bag in order to wipe; precariously balancing so you don't actually pee on your clothes or touch the disgusting floor of the squatter. This obviously does not apply to boys.

Basically, what I dream at night.

One interesting thing, though, is that the Chinese have taken this opportunity to prove that capitalism trumps all: when you're walking on the street and you're approached by a guy who wants you to visit his club he's going to give you a little packs of toilet paper instead of annoying flyers. See, Americans, Communism, much like moving to China, is a better idea than a reality!