Standing Down (The Glorious Failure of John Ozkirbas)

Last week, B. Graham posted her explanation for the female fascination with (not necessarily) flamboyant foot-wear. An immediate reaction (mine included) was to compare this feminine obsession to something, for the most part, considered more masculine - suits. 

Of course! There are immediate parallels between the feelings B. Graham spoke of and the attraction to a well tailored, finely spun, streamlined set of threads. To my dismay, however, this comparison ultimately falls flat on its face when compared to the near religious fervor, dedication, and drug-like dependance encompassing an American woman's relationship with shoes. Apparently, men used to have a similar (although, not completely congruent) partnership with ties. But, the world has pressed on towards the casual, leaving the poor necktie dangling limply in the wind, hurt and abandoned  - like that annoying friend of whom you can only stand in specific, rare contexts. Confused, torn, and obsessed with dualism, I set out on a personal journey to discover man-culture's shoe-equivalent.

I barreled recklessly down a major highway, as my '60-something Chevy Impala roared in frightful dissonance, and lit a cuban cigar the size of the New York City skyline in search of satisfaction. I swung a baseball bat, went to the gym, wore a hat, grilled a steak, carved some poultry, peed in public, downed an entire fifth of whiskey, got a gun and went shooting, wrote a short-story drenched in naturalism, fist-fought with a stranger, climbed an active volcano, rescued a baby from a burning building, shaved my beard off and grew it back, got a tattoo and had it removed, read Jason's entire comic book collection, pulled off a heist at a nearby bank, got a job, climbed to the top of the corporate ladder, and fired everyone, memorized a Hemmingway novel, built an entire car by myself, went to jail and was let out on good behavior, dueled a fellow with swords, got married, then divorced, killed a man and bragged about it, conceived a child and raised it to adulthood, became a pro-quarterback and quit, earned one million dollars and blew it all on leisure suits and Vegas, developed cancer just to beat it with shear will-power, started a conflict with a neighboring country, detonated a WMD just to see what would happen, committed seppuku out of familial shame, and rose again just in time for class on Monday.

Apparently, when I blow up a WMD it flips off the world

...And, all of that is a complete lie (aside from carving up some poultry). But, it demonstrates the power of verbs, which is actually fairly relevant when addressing this issue. Because, whereas women are very much conditioned to look pretty and accessorize, men are, instead, conditioned to do things. And that may well explain why there is no "shoe-equivalent."

It's no secret. Look at advertising - ads are the perfect window for everything society expects you to do/be. Children's ads are the best - they'll lay out everything in clear, concise wording meticulously chosen to ensure that kids and parents alike can understand them. Boy ads involve props, tools, toys that move, and active verbs like "play," "run," "chase," and, "hit." Girl adds involve smiling, jewelry, sitting around, and passive verbs like, "sit," "dream," and "wait." Watch out for Halloween ads for children - they're a treat to behold. Our world is a giant play-zone.

So, we do things and, therefore, you'll find separate "types" of guys (which often blend together) who share at least similar-styled obsessions:

Hat Guy - He'll always be wearing one, possibly owning many

Sports Guy - A rabid "sports fan" who watches Sports Center constantly

Comic Book Guy - He not only loves comic books, but he'll keep them wrapped (and he'll know which ones are worth the wrapping)

Gun Guy - He collects guns. Or, has one he always talks about. 

The Boyfriend - Only does things with his girlfriend. And, when she's not around, she's all he talks about

The Gym Buff - He takes his protein shake to-go and measures and tabs his biceps daily

The Drinker - His pride is in his drinkin', his feats're many, and you've 'eard all o' them 'bout 47 times

Martial Arts Dude - Backflips, Nunchukus, and Tae Kwon Do. Any spare chance he gets. Even at inappropriate times.

Book-Worm Guy - He's always reading. And he's read everything.

The Starving Artist - His 9-5 is not his "job." His real job is living in the moment and watching indie flicks.

The Casanova - He's constantly talking and bragging about his sex-life, even when you know he's on a cold streak. 

... the list goes on and they're not exclusive to one sex. But, then again, neither are shoes and suits. These "types" are pervasive, demonstrating completely that the world is our figurative playground. But, it forces me to concede defeat - that there isn't just one male equivalent to shoes. And I stand down my search, bow my head in shame, and admit:

It might be sex with us. That might be the one thing most guys will obsess over and pursue relentlessly.

I once heard a guy from somewhere say:

"Anything great anyone has ever done was for sex" - Anon.

That's very stereotypical, freudian, and simplistic. Boiling down all human behavior to ungratified, sexual impulses is something I generally contest. Why can by demonstrated by something said by one of my favorite teachers:

"Here's why Freud always 'wins.' Anything deeper than it is wide will always be phallic. And anything wider than it is deep will always be vaginal" - Verlyn Flieger

It's just too simple and easy. I, also, don't want to corner the market around sex as male only. It's a given - men are conditioned to want and have sex, where women are "supposed" to not want sex, but have it anyway (you should shift a little on the inside). But, that's breaking down, too. Slowly.

So here's my concession. In all of it's glory and splendor. I lose. Faceless abstract concept, you win again. Last time it was about holograms and the universe. This time, it's about shoes.

Tie Commandments

Neckties are an important part of a gentleman's wardrobe. If you are a sharp, well kempt, self-respecting man, you should at least have a couple ties hanging in your closet. Even if your line of work doesn't necessitate the use of a necktie, own at least a few simple ties. Here are some basic tips for those of you out there who may be unfamiliar with how to find a good tie. Keep in mind, though, that these are very general rules; ultimately your own personal style is up to you.

I. Size Matters

Oh it does indeed! The width of the tie at it's widest point should be between the width of your palm by itself and the width of your palm with your thumb on the side. It's not much of a window, but there are a lot of ties out there.

II. Shade Also Matters

With a business suit, your tie should be lighter than your suit but darker than your shirt. In a casual outfit, try to keep your tie and slacks at about the same level.

III. I'm Seeing A Pattern Here

The pattern of your tie is more important than it's color. I recommend micro-patterns or small icon pattern ties, like the one President Obama wore to his inauguration. If you're going to get a diagonally lined tie, make sure that it goes from the side of your dominant hand downward towards the opposite side. It will look better when you're writing something on paper (the lines will run parallel with your arm.)

IV. Color

Look at the T-Shirts you own. Those are colors you've already picked that you're comfortable with. I wouldn't stray too far from them.

V. Where Does A Stained Tie Belong?

Not around your neck, that's for sure. It's almost impossible to clean a tie. Even when you think you've cleaned a tie, the reflective properties will be permanently effected. If you see a stain on your tie, take your tie off right then and there, and toss it.

VI. Who Can Get Away With Draping A Tie Around Their Neck Untied?

Sonny Corleone, and no one else.

VII. GQ Says I Should Wear A Tie Bar

Yea, well, GQ also says don't wear socks this year. Okay, I tried a tie bar for a little while. It certainly gave me a unique uniform look. Then two of my coworkers started wearing tie bars, and suddenly it wasn't so special anymore.

VIII. How To Tie A Tie

Half-Windsor with a dimple, every time.

IX. How Much Should I Throw Down?

Designer ties start at $50. You can get a good tie without the label between $20 and $30. But if you really want to go for the high quality, go name brand. Polo and Dior make good stuff.

X. Don't Keep It Too Simple

Single color no-pattern ties are not to be worn unless you're wearing them with a tuxedo. And don't wear a black tie to a funeral, that's a bit much.