Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Aladdin Added to Do Not Fly List

There'll be no party in Agrabah this week.

These Gentlemen learned today that popular Arabic hero Aladdin has been added to the
notorious "Do Not Fly" list, preventing him from flying into or out of American airspace.

The discovery came as the famed lamp-rubber attempted to board a Southwest Airlines flight bound from New York to Paris, where he had hoped to catch a connecting flight back to his fictional homeland. Instead, he will be forced to remain in the States for weeks, if not months, while his status is cleared. When questioned about whether or not his ethnicity had anything to do with placing him on the list, officials quickly denied such allegations.

"There was no racial profiling at all in this case," insisted FAA spokesperson Richard Brown. "The man has a criminal record, plain and simple. We have him on film for everything ranging from shoplifting to wrongful imprisonment."





Riff Raff, Street Rat, Terrorist


When asked whether or not the wrongful imprisonment charge applied to his sealing Jafar, the evil wizard whom attempted to usurp the throne of Agrabah, inside a magic lamp, Brown refused to comment.

Also compiling Aladdin's woes; allegations of harboring known fugitives. His relation to the so-called "King of Thieves" has been a brick wall in attempting to discover whether or not racial profiling was at the heart of his being placed on the "Do Not Fly" list.

"According to our information," Brown said, waving a VHS copy of 1995 Disney Movie Aladdin and the King of Thieves, "this guy has major relations to known terrorists. Not just his dad, that talking parrot is really shady, too. We're just doing what we feel is right to protect the American people."

"I think it's plain to see what's going on here," said Sandy Vazheen of the ACLU. "Does Ali Baba get detained when he travels overseas? Does Sinbad? No. Because they're wealthy citizens, whose fantastic adventures across nightmare-infested lands yielded them treasure beyond human reckoning. This is an example of a poor Arabic man being profiled because he can't afford not to be." She pointed to Aladdin's noted works of selfless charity, such as giving his bread to starving orphans, and releasing a Genie which could have easily made him a prince again. "Also, Ali Baba killed like, forty guys," she added.

Crocodile-teared pundit Glenn Beck has already weighed in on the developing situation. "Look, I'm not saying Aladdin has ties to al-Qaeda. In fact, I don't think he does! But it's a matter of what he hasn't done more than what he has. We're talking about a kid who had three wishes in his hands. Did he wish for American soldiers to find Osama bin Laden? No, he did some mumbo-jumbo with princes and elephants. It's all highly suspect if you ask me, and I just want him to show us the proof he has no terrorist connections. That's all I'm asking for, the proof." Beck then refused to respond to questions over whether or not he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

Even the President has commented on the situation, which has drawn national attention. "This is an unfortunate turn of events," he conceded, "my daughters, Sasha and Malia, were heartbroken to learn that Aladdin had been subjected to a full cavity search, one in which the Federal agent involved refused, even after repeated pleas, to remove his wedding ring. But we must acknowledge that we need to keep America safe. And sometimes keeping America safe means locking our fictional heroes in an airport for an indefinite amount of time, like Victor Navorski from that Tom Hanks movie."

When questioned whether this would strain U.S. ties to Agrabah, President Obama pointed out that Aladdin's native land only exists in the hearts and imaginations of Disney fans everywhere, which only further complicates his legal status.

As for Aladdin himself, he is deeply disappointed by the turn of events. He issued the following statement from his temporary residence in the men's bathroom of John F. Kennedy Airport. "I only wanted to return home to my princess, Jasmine, and pet monkey, Abu. I could send for my flying carpet, but they don't even let me in the post office. Plus, there's a reason I took a plane over in the first place. You know what it's like traveling over the Atlantic at 15,000 feet riding a Persian rug? You freeze your nuts off, that's what it's like."

He, too, feels his ethnicity is the core issue at hand. "Would this have happened if I were from somewhere else? No, I don't think so. I never see Prince Eric being held for questioning. Hercules? Tarzan? They never even go through customs, man. No, this is all about where I'm from, not what I've done." He then added bitterly "Next time, I better use a nom de plume."

Aladdin is currently awaiting an appeal on his status from the Department of Homeland Security. They have issued a public statement denying that any delays in processing the appeal are due to Jafar having been a prime investor in Halliburton.

In the meantime, the swashbuckling hero of Arabic lore can only wait and pray to Allah, just not out loud.

9 comments:

ali d said...

Amazing.

Miasma said...

This is frickin hilarious. Well-done, my friend.

Jstone said...

if you're never president, at least you can get a job at the onion.

ali d said...

I actually checked the Onion to see if they had online submissions after I read this. Alas, they do not.

Dennis said...

I'd blame parents, except he hasn't got em.

Ozkirbas said...

Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat

David Pratt said...

I'll tell you all about it when I've got the time.

B.Graham said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
B.Graham said...

Still I think he's RATHER TASTY