Thursday, November 13, 2008

Happy Birthday

There was this girl I used to hook up with in high school (there weren't many). We never actually dated, and it's something I've regretted on and off throughout my life, or at the very least looked back at. I don't regret it because I have any kind of feelings or longing for her, but mainly because I wonder how the experience would have changed me and my life - being more experienced, especially since it was more than a few years until I'd get the chance again. I wonder if I would have done a little better when it really mattered if she hadn't been my first.

I chose never to officially date her, even though we were in a pseudo-relationship for a little while. I like to think it was because I never really felt that way, which is a really good reason, but maybe I would have if I let myself. But I was scared, and refused to let go of feelings for another girl I'd never end up being with. In my head, if I was with someone else, I wouldn't be there ready and waiting for this other girl when she finally realized how utterly awesome her best friend was - and waiting for something that would never actually happen, I cut off at least this chance at something. It was a good three years I spent beholden to feelings I should have let go a long time before.

The first time we hung out I was in a fight with my parents, so I wasn't allowed to have anyone over. I took that extraordinarily literally cause I was a bit of a bastard and said that meant no one could come inside. Letter of the law. So we spent a few hours sitting in the cold on my porch, nervously talking and never going inside. I really hope she didn't have to use the bathroom. It wasn't until I came over to her house that we kissed the first time, to a mixtape she made me. It was the first time anyone had made me a mix, and it was an actual tape. A mix CD was the first thing I made the girl I fell in love with.

Her mom didn't like me for a long time, and I'm far from perfect, but I'm definitely polite and friendly so it took me a little bit off guard. Aside from the fact that I was making out with her only daughter on a relatively consistent basis, what wasn't to love? I found out later that I reminded her of her ex-husband, which was wierd on a few levels thinking about it now, and certainly nothing I could do anything about.

Still, one of the most scathing things anyone has ever said about me was when she asked the girl "Did Jason get you anything for your birthday other than his tongue?"
And I still feel guilty that no, I didn't.

It took three years to get over someone I was never with. How long and how many missed opportunities will it take to get over someone who loved me?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Better to ask how long it will take you to master the distinction between "someone who loved you" and "someone you loved." There are a lot of great dances out there, and they are all worth doing, but the Tango still takes two.

PS - feel better.