I Have Been to the Promised Land...and it is VERY Real.

Friends, Romans, people who read and probably post on this blog, lend me your ears. For I have climbed the mountaintop, I have made my pilgrimage, I have seen the glory, and it shines brighter than you could have ever imagined. I'm talking of course, about Piratz Tavern of Silver Spring, Maryland. Ho-lee shit.

When Jason called to tell me that the original bar we were going to was too crowded, and that I should meet him across the street at the "Pirate Bar," I initially thought, "well, I guess it's some bar or nightclub with a pirate theme. Sounds interesting."

But as it turned out, "theme" would be something of an understatement. There are two things you immediately notice about Piratz Tavern (what's with the "z?") when you walk in. First of all, the walls are covered in pirate signs and memorabilia, I'm talking treasure maps, skulls and crossbones, there's even this little pirate head that's lit up by the bar that keeps opening and closing it's mouth. The second thing you notice is the pirates. Now, understand something. I'm not talking about just one or two pirates. I'm talking about five to seven full costumed, fully armed, fully mother's basement living, pirates. When I first sat down, most of them were outside. I commented to Andy that I didn't think I was on planet earth anymore, when he pointed me outside. "Look dude, there's real pirates!"

And there they were. Standing right in the shadow of a massive Silver Spring parking structure. Yaaar!


No. Way.

So the waitress comes over-oh-excuse me, the "Wench" comes over (no joke, this is how she introduced herself, "Wench Jenny," I think), decked out in full on wench clothes with a five dollar bill wedged between her protruding cleavage. She takes our order, comes back, and promptly spills the cider Andy ordered on the table. Wenches, right? Sheesh. No big deal, she brings over another one. Well, no sooner has she done that, than we are approached by one of the pirates, a big guy with long blonde hair. Actually could have been a pirate, had he been around back in the day.

"Which one of you had the cider?"

Andy tells the pirate.

"Well, you got me a free one! Thanks! Here's to you!"

He raises his glass and toasts Andy. Jason tries to get in a "L'Chaim." I try to quiet him down-pirates HATE Jews. It's a fact.

So Jason goes to look at Andy's cider, and this pirate pulls a DAGGER and slams it down on the table. "Nobody touches this man's cider!"

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Well, things can't get any weirder now, right? We get in some discussion with the wench about how she should come dump more drinks on Andy, or better yet, make him walk the plank. BIG mistake. She gets defensive, telling us that there is no proof that pirates ever made anyone walk the plank. In fact, she says, that was the Royal Navy. "Oh, well, we like them then!" Oh, great move Andy, tell the "Pirates" we like the navy. Come on. That's just rude.

So she brings this other pirate over, this guy for SURE doesn't wash his hands after masturbating, and now he's telling us that pirates never made anyone walk the plank.

"But, they did use Cannon Flogging! Do you know want to know what that is? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

Man, this dude had the loudest laugh ever. And Andy got most of it right in his face.

"That is when they tie you to the cannon, fire it, and whip you! So you get the burning of the cannon, AND the burning of the whip! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!"

Man. That is hilarious. And, somehow, actually happening.

Needless to say, this guy pulled his dagger on us at some point too, and I'm pretty sure his was real. It was dark, so I could be wrong, but that thing looked like a real dagger. After that, I was nervous that if I stayed any longer my head might literally explode, so we headed out.

Piratz Tavern is one of those places you never plan to go to. You just somehow end up there, more often then not, with Jason Schlafstein. As the business card I took says, "Escape the Ordinary-experience unique food, drink, & adventure." Adventure. Yep, I couldn't have said it better myself.