An Open Letter to the Company that Just Rejected Me

To Whom it May Concern-

Well, you've done it. I didn't think you'd figure me out, but you've caused me to carefully reconsider the next time I try to pull the wool over someone's eyes. Yes, it's true, I am the stupidest person on the planet, and you, being the expert interviewer that you are, realized it immediately, and justly denied me employment with your company. Nice work.

It's true, I am a complete moron, the dumbest of the dumb, the literal king of stupid. There's no way I could have handled a job that required 20 hours a week of my time, and called for such nearly impossible duties as "order the company more coffee," or "stuff and mail these envelopes." Surely, such activity would have only ended with me huddled in a corner on the floor slapping myself in the face, or jumping up and down on my desk, while screaming, "Daddy, the poop is here." For after all, I am the stupidest man alive.

I know. My resume made it through your screening process. But I do not blame you for this. I have cushioned it with such powerful sounding jobs as "Second City Box Office worker" and "Jewish Camp Song Leader." When you saw these past employments, you must have thought, "Clearly, this is a serious worker, and one we must interview." But when we first met, that's when it all came undone. I shook your hand, smiled, and said that yes, I was very interested in the position. I lied as I told you my past experience would most definitely qualify me for the job. But you, brave interviewer, saw right through it to the monster I was. With each word that fell out of my mouth, you saw me for what I truly was, a complete doofus for whom a simple and menial task like "order these papers" could only result in urine, tears, and the fateful end of the office kitchen.

In closing, all I can really do is repeat just how impressed I am that you were able to weed me out, when I put on so cunning a display for you. You are truly good at your job, and I now know for certain your company will only continue to prosper. Now, if you will kindly excuse me, it's time for me to spread butter all over my face and burn off my pubes with hot lava. Good day!

Yours,
Daniel Strauss