Tuesday, December 15, 2009

30 Tiny Truths - 8

8. You Sir...

If you complain about having sex, you're an asshole.

You know who I hate?

People who complain about getting laid, as though all the charm and fun of the act itself has washed away in that same sense of jaded disillusionment that a hipster has for their favorite band once they reach airplay. As though getting some is some sort of burden they have to bear, when they really wanted to watch that movie, or get up rested for another day at the office. Life is hard for them - they only came once last night.

Fuck you.

I don't care if it wasn't 'that good.'
I don't care if he was a '20 second special.'
I don't care if she used her teeth (I mean, geez, just tell her to stop and FIX THE PROBLEM.)

Sure, it could have been better. No question.
But, the only thing anyone going on a two year dry spell is thinking about when they hear how tedious your intercourse was last night is how satisfying it'll be to hit you in the face.

You didn't have a bad night.
No - laying in bed alone, lightly touching yourself, watching 2 am reruns of The Nanny? THAT is a bad night.
If you're having sex, you're having a fantastic night. And if it's good, hot, dirty, whatever your adjective of choice, sex - your night is only getting better.

I'm talking about consensual relations between two adults. Obviously, there are cases where sex is NOT COOL, and I am not referring to anyone being taken advantage of, or coerced, or any other scenario where things are actually wrong.

But mild disappointment? Some 'been there, done that' blase` malaise?
If you can't appreciate the warmth of a human body next to yours? Soft skin? The fact that someone is actually letting you touch them, nay wants you touch them, and are enjoying it?
If you don't think 'this is fucking awesome' every single time?

Then you sir, are no Gentleman.

And Nick at Night comes for everyone.


Max Nova said...

The Nanny is on Nick at Night at 2am?

Do I want to know how you know this?

Shouldn't you have been watching The Wire at this time of night instead?

Jstone said...

but i'm tiiiiirrreeeeeeddddd!

no but seriously...I have been wicked tired before and I find that the cure is someone touching my penis. I don't care how tired I am, it can wait 15 minutes and I know I'll sleep a lot better after.

Jason Heat said...

The Nanny thing is not personal experience - but a general guideline for what a 'bad night' is.

Patrick H. Ouzts said...

I respectfully dissent.

There is bad sex. She is faking it; he is faking it. It's bad. When the mojo is gone, it is really bad. When you are thinking about the 2am rerun of the Nanny during the act, it's bad.

Go ahead and punch me in the face. There is only one person to blame for a 2 year dry streak.

Bad sex is worth complaining about because good sex is an art. It takes practice, which includes the review to figure out what went wrong. You have to be able to complain about bad sex in order to get better.

Jason Heat said...

I will say that I believe that anyone who fakes anything in sex is doing themselves and their partner an incredible disservice. one of my hard and fast rules (pun only intended after i wrote it.)

Jason Heat said...

I also think complaining and self improvement or reflection are NOT the same thing.

Dialectric said...

Complaining and reflection or self-improvement MAY be the same thing, so to say that they are not is incorrect and disengenuous. Some complaining IS self-improvement, and certainly reflection; that does not mean ALL C = R+/-S.I.The venn diagram would be helpful, but...

Christian said...

You can't judge a man until you've fucked a mile in his dick.