Thursday, December 3, 2009

Where We Live: Roundtable

Salutations and Good Evening, faithful readers. It is time once more to delve back into the ridiculous and the sublime in the form of our These Gentlemen Roundtable. As you may have gleaned from the title, this week we will hearken back to the Gentlemonth of September and examine a question regarding Where We Live.

This ongoing segment was extremely popular* (especially amongst the Gentlemen), and so I thought it fitting we dedicate a Roundtable to the subject. In this case, we will be looking not so much at where we do live, but rather where we would want to live.

With that in mind, I give you the Where I Live Roundtable question, and then open the floor to our Gentlemen for their responses:

After witnessing a heinous criminal act, you are put into witness protection. You are promised that anywhere you go, you will be kept safe, but you can't stay where you are. So, since you have to uproot yourself, where in the world do you decide to go, and why?

Max Nova


Stephen Bragale

I would move to somewhere in Idaho. Why? Well, I like potatos a lot. When it comes down to it, I haven't heard much bad news coming out of Idaho. And no one would find me if I went there. I like that. It's Idaho for me. Idaho, land of peace, home of the best french fries this side of the Mississippi.

Butterfree Graham

If I'm in the witness protection program then I am not just taking myself to a new place, I am becoming a whole new person in a new place after witnessing a heinous event and facing a terrifying trial, during which I may or may not be killed by the person I am testifying against. With all that in mind, I'm going to the beach. Perfection would be a really warm beach with white sand and turquoise water with few to no overweight tourists or drunk college kids. Local culture, music and theater. And not an island, because that's just way too much ocean (and the ocean is way too much like space).

Sooo basically I'm going South. Way south, past the American South, to South (or Central) America. Maybe Costa Rica or Brazil, but I'm not that picky. I just need a beach, a cheap drink, and as little civil unrest as is manageable. And then I'll be ready to take on that mob boss.

ali d.


If you've ever seen the majestically silky black sand of Punaluu Beach on the Big Island or breathtaking Waimea Canyon of Kauai, then you already know exactly why and I need explain no further. If, however, you've never been fortunate enough to travel to the 50th state, you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that it is the most beautiful and diverse place in the United States. Deserts are located just miles from rainforests, and active volcanoes overlook pristine beaches and clear blue oceans.

As this is the Where I Live Roundtable, a little background on my visit: My dad, the Honorable Lt. Col. Lawrence R. Daniels, was in the ROTC in college, after which the army put him through law school. In exchange he had to give the Army four years after he received his J.D. After finishing school, he was stationed in Hawaii, and lived there until he finished his stint in active service, at which point he joined the Army Reserves and moved to Maryland. There he met a beautiful young judicial secretary named Beverly Cooper and married her. Years later, he was determined to share with their four little girls the beautiful island that he had once called home. When I was 14, we made the trip, and it remains to this day the most amazing place I've ever experienced.

Plus, let's think rationally. If I've witnessed a heinous crime, I'm probably a little high strung right now, and I could use some time to relax. Where better to do so than in the hot sun on a beautiful beach? And if I'm nice and tanned, it's a natural camouflage from any bad guys who might be on the lookout for me. Add that to the fact that the state is made up of 7 separate inhabited islands, and I'm going to be one tough chica to find.

Take that, sinister mob bosses. Now bring me something with an umbrella in it.

David Pratt

So, I'm on the run, and I've got to keep that in mind. I want to go somewhere that lets me lay low, but also where I'm going to be happy potentially spending the rest of my life. The two most obvious options are either go somewhere isolated from mainstream society, or somewhere so engulfed in it that I blend into the crowd. I've decided to opt for the former. I'm heading for the hills of Ireland.

The ancestral home of my father's family gives me the opportunity to spend the rest of my days in relative anonymity, yet still enjoying the best life has to offer. Breathtakingly gorgeous landscapes, great historical sights, even a small Jewish community - Ireland has everything I would need to occupy my time from now until my plastic surgeon makes it so the mob can't recognize me.

Hm, with that in mind, maybe I should pick Argentina . . .

And so there you have it my Roundtable friends. As always, I leave the question in your hands. Where would you go, given the chance to go anywhere? Let us know, as the Roundtable continues, only on These Gentlemen.

*Popular relative to our average number of readers


Brett said...

As this Roundtable occured before I was Gentleman'd, here is my response:

Tristan da Cunha

The thing about being put into witness protection is, I assume, I have to cut off contact with pretty much everyone. I mean, I don't know how it goes; maybe I'm allowed to keep in touch with friends and family as long as I don't tell them where I am, maybe not. Maybe in a couple years when the criminals are captured I can come out of hiding, but until then I might not be able to pursue anything too public. So I might as well just go whole hog and really disappear into a new life, and be reeeallly safe while doing it, in hopes that after the long vacation I'll be able to return.

So, Tristan da Cunha - the most remote populated island in the world - population about 1/3 of my high school. Livin' off the land, herdin' sheep. Sounds like a new start if ever there was one.

...That or join the thriving witness protection community in Hawaii.

Jstone said...

@ Max- No no dear, Sweden, go to Sweden.

@Steve- The two issues with Idaho are you either live in the shitty southern desert part (see Napoleon Dynamite) or you live in the breathtakingly beautiful mountains of the north where it is entirely populated by White Supremacists. Now you're white, but you have to wonder how much extreme hate you can stomach.

@Brit- You want a beach with no drunk kids or fat people? Azores Islands. Nobody visits there, ever.

As for me, I'd want to stay in a country with proper laws so the Caucasus mountains are out of the question (everyone gets tagged there). On the other hand Karadzic the mass murderer was able to live in a sleepy town in Bosnia for years pretending to be a witch doctor before his arrest. I think ultimately, send me to Melbourne Australia. Its about as far away as possible, positively in the first world, and after about 6 months my accent will be perfectly Australian. Suck on that brutal criminal guy!

PS- also tickets to Aussie land are like 2 grand, you'd have to think real hard about dropping that cash plus travel in the country plus hotel, you gotta check your weapons, you probably can't leave the country...I mean...that's a lot of hassle for sweet sweet revenge.

B.Graham said...

I like how we all assume we're running from the mob. We're so important.