Thursday, December 3, 2009

Money for Nothing

So...stop me if you've heard this one, but yet another a pro athlete (it's a GOLF player this time!) has had sexual relations with a woman that isn't his wife! Yes, that's right, famed goody-goody, multimillionaire, and role model to the children (not any more!) TIGER WOODS went ahead and cheated on his wife! Possibly with more than one woman! Can you believe it? He married a Swedish model, had some kids, and then decided to see what he could dip into on the side! Go get it, Tiggy!

Honestly, this happens so frequently, it's no longer out of the ordinary. What's strange now is when an overpaid athlete DOESN'T cheat on his wife. And athletes can go on and on about how "they aren't role models" and, in Tiger's case say that their "transgressions" should be private, but at the end of the day, here's the thing: they don't have a choice. When you sign that contract, or you cash that check, you become an idol for not just kids, but sports fans all over the country. Is it right to pry into a man's extra marital affairs when it's none of anyone's business? No, of course not. But famous people have been living their lives under a microscope for years. It's nothing new. And when the American public, or, in Tiger's case, the WORLD, is paying such close attention to your life, there are certain things you have to be prepared to deal with that "Ted the bus driver from Omaha" doesn't.

So here's a little trick I've thought of to help out pro athletes who have trouble keeping their dicks in their pants. When you get paid, just imagine that, say, 20% of your check is your "Role Model Bonus (20% being somewhere around $200,000 for the average low income athlete)." This is money you are receiving in exchange for setting a good example for the people who look up to you, just by virtue of your being a professional athlete.

"But I don't want to be a role model!" You say. "It sounds like lots of work!" But it's not! Actually, to be a role model, all you really have to do is NOT do things! For example-

-Do NOT cheat on your wife!
-Do NOT take drugs!
-Do NOT get in fights at bars (or with dogs, LOL!)

And so on and so forth. Think of it as getting extra money-just for NOT doing something! Wow! What a deal!

Or here's another totally crazy and kind of out there idea...if you think you might cheat on your wife, DON'T GET MARRIED. Just don't do it. Then, it's not cheating-it's just sleeping around. You know, like Tom Brady when he knocked up his girlfriend and then left her for Gisele Bundchen. People still call him the "Golden Boy!" And that's because he wasn't married when he treated a woman as an object. See? Simple.

So Tiger, he's the solution. Quit golf forever. Sell your house. Become a line cook at "Big Chuck's Truck Stop Diner" in Nowhere, Alabama. Change your name to "Biff Pennington," or "Clyde Waterman" or something like that. And then, on your salary of $11 an hour, you can cheat on your wife and maintain the privacy you deserve. I think you'll find it all evens out in the end.


David Pratt said...

If he does change his name, I call dibs on using Tiger Woods from now on.

B.Graham said...


when I get drafted by the NFL, I promise to only use my $100 million to not cheat on my wife.

Alex said...

Ugh, Tom Brady. That's like Billy Crudup leaving a pregnant Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes.