Sunday, January 25, 2009

Better Sex

A friend said to me recently that, despite all the potential variables, the quality of the sex she was having was primarily based on how she felt about her appearance that day.

Not the position or the person, not the time or place or even her mood, but predominantly if she was feeling "fat" that day or if she felt like she didn't look her best. What's more, it wouldn't matter what the other person said, if she didn't feel skinny then that's all she would think about during the sex.

I was really humored by this. First of all, if someone is having sex with you, you must be doing something right, right? Another friend said, if I was having sex I'd feel great about myself, so I can't relate to that.

And second - the idea seemed just so vain and so self-centered that I immediately rejected it. Surely your state of mind, or the person or the nature of the sex should have the most to do with how much your enjoying the sex.

Self-confidence is an interesting thing though. The brave statement had me thinking about my own insecurities - such as my uncanny resemblance to a werewolf, or a nose only outdone by that of Daniel Strauss. So I guess my advice for all those who might be haunted by these kinds of thoughts during sex is to have enough self-esteem to assume you are desired, and go from there. Self-confidence is more sexy anyway. And then, you might just be able to focus on having a good time.
AZ Winer - on one of his good days


Miasma said...

State of mind is the nail's head, being that low self-confidence is a psychological issue. For some, not something easily tossed aside in order to enjoy an enjoyable activity.

It could sound vain. It could sound like marks on the bed post. But sex isn't an effective long-term ego booster. Self-understanding, however, is.

Ozkirbas said...

Hmmmm... what about getting out of one's head and focusing on sex as a shared experience between two people? Knowing you perform well can be one hell of a confidence booster.

PS - Werewolves are awesome. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise

Damo said...

I think everybody needs to do a great deal more soul searching and communicating with each other to improve ALL of our interactions in this world, not just sex.

There are so many things going on in a person's head at any given time that sex can be a mental minefield. Especially if you actually care if your partner enjoys it, but also if you are more concerned with what the person thinks of you than enjoying the experience.

What is she into? Am I hitting the right spots? What are her "tells"? Who is this person to me outside of the bedroom? Will she suddenly want (or not want) a relationship based on this experience? Will I suddenly want a relationship because of, or in spite of, this experience? Etc. etc. ad infinitum. The constant swirling of questions and mental imagery can lead to dismal performance.

...but usually not for me. B-)

Jason Heat said...

Damien is immune to these pitfalls because he doesn't care if the other person enjoys it.


Daniel said...

come on. if you're getting laid, you did something right. don't think it about it so much, just have a good time-it doesn't even last that long (am i right, fellas? eh?).

Damo said...


1) I was just being an egotistical male, these issues plague me.

2) My pitfall is probably caring TOO MUCH. There is nothing sexier than a woman in the throes of passion, but nothing more uncomfortable than the sinking feeling that she might be *GASP* bored.

Lexi from Pmac said...

Women don't really have to be sexy or do "anything right" to get laid. Most of the time they just need a vaginal opening. It makes perfect sense that the girl feels this way.

David Pratt said...

These comments lead me to believe Adam Winer doesn't have a strong grasp of female emotions.

Who knew?