Inauguration Survival Guide

I heard somewhere that when it comes down to it, everyone dies of the same thing; loss of oxygen to the brain. Whether you starve to death, or you suffer a heart attack, or a seizure or whatever, what truly kills you is lack of oxygen to your brain. For the human body to work properly, a healthy supply of oxygen must travel through the circulatory system and into your brain.

So it goes without saying that when I saw Garth Brooks and Beyonce Knowles on stage together during the Inauguration concert on the mall, causing my brain to suddenly explode onto the reflecting pool, I was concerned.

To avoid similar results, I would advise anyone going to the Inaugural festivities with these words of experience that will hopefully expunge you from a fate similar to mine.

Don't trust Anderson Cooper. He will probably be in between the Washington Monument and the Capitol. Let down your guard near him and kiss your kidneys goodbye.

Wear lot's of layers. One flak jacket is never enough.

Don't talk to Joe Biden. He'll talk your head off, then scoop it up and run the option with it down to the Lincoln Memorial.

Don't ice skate anywhere unless you are Jesus the Christ. It's not that cold.

Don't look directly at any celebrities at all during your Inauguration celebrations, unless you want to show them what your grey matter looks like. Use your peripheral vision if necessary.

Don't wear a suit and then talk into your sleeve. You'll look like you're in the special service, not the secret service.

Bring a random T-Shirt with you and write the name "Barack Obama" in cursive on it with a sharpie. Walk around holding it up and repeating "one hundred dollar Obama shirts." Lunch is on the lucky customer you meet that day.

And most importantly, anyone not wearing a coat is a Sentinel on the lookout for mutants.