Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sonya Sotomayor is doing wonders for my resume

Sonya Sotomayor’s story has given me ideas. Now before you roll your eyes, hear me out. Whether or not her compelling story should be a Supreme Court job qualification has been controversial; but no one can deny it's an attention-grabbing quality. For that reason I’m adding a short biography to my resume that highlights the triumphs in my life story as a tool for getting potential employers’ attentions.

Here’s an example of my current resume:

Matthew Lindeboom


Loyola College in Maryland, Baltimore, Maryland
Bachelor of Arts and Sciences in Writing, May 2008


Grew up in Moorestown, NJ also known as “Dirty South Jerz” for its abundance of water treatment plants. Parents emigrated to South Jersey from unknown parts of Northern Jersey and gang-ruled Rhode Island, looking to escape harassment from roving bands of cannibalistic raiders out of New York City.

Mother set rigorous standards for education, including the forbidding of doing homework in front of the television; even 
"Seinfeld" which was the only good thing on anyway. From early age, achieved many academic and sports awards.

Age 8, awarded gold star for committing a Random Act of Kindness -- helping Mrs. Hughes clean up the spilled markers.
Age 9, earned the Busy Business Bee Award for successfully playing the Stock Market Game during recess.
Age 12, MVP award, REC Roller Hockey
Age 13, made travel soccer team.
Age 14, voted onto Student Council.

As a freshman in high school, overcame acne and long-gaurded age barriers to ask out a sophomore girl on a date. Girl declined, but did not lose heart. Asked her out again a year later and she agreed. Bravely ignored social norms and took her go-cart racing. 

“It was pretty awesome,” she was reported to have said.

After College took the “maverick” route and took a year off to take a job in South East Asia. Once in SE Asia, became first American to pledge that he would not say, “I’m really thinking about becoming Buddhist.”

Upon return to America, joined the 99.75 percent of travelers who return home and talk about how “different” life is abroad, and how you “should totally go!”

Now responsibly living at home to save money and pay off student loans, despite intense social pressure to go west and make fortune. Seriously, contemplating swearing off gluten, despite love of soft pretzels and gyros. 


I’m going to save the rest for those potential employers. I can’t be showing the entire thing to everybody. That’d be like asking for somebody to plagiarize my idea and then I’d lose my edge. It’s a dog eat dog world out there. Did you know that in Vietnam and China they eat dog? It’s so different, you should go and check it out. Better go soon so you can put it in your resume, though. I’m thinking about copyrighting this idea.


Dennis said...

There are so many thing I love about this post. : D

Matt Lindeboom said...

It's much appreciated. I promise to start writing things where people actually learn something.