Friday, December 5, 2008

Hunting The World's Most Dangerous Game

So dating can kind of suck.

And blind dates? Blind dates are the worst. I've gone on a few relatively recently for the first time, and I suppose I'd go on more - mainly because I'm on this kick of living 'living life to the fullest' and trying things I wouldn't otherwise do, but also because the worst that can happen is a small risk to possibly meet someone cool - romantic interest or not.

But it's a flawed system. First, my friends set me up. So immediately in addition to wanting to make a decent first impression for my own sake, I have to take into account that my friend totally went to bat for me here. I come off like a shmuck, they look like a fool, and I certainly won't hear the end of that if I ever bring up my ex again. So they actually have a stake in my date. Blind dates are like the stock market of dating, and some theoretical wedding toast of "I remember when I first thought they'd be GREAT together" spoken in a half-drunk slur is the ultimate payoff, because I suppose you would owe them for life. Or until a messy divorce.

But really, the worst possibility isn't a terrible time, or a horror story, or even immediate physical revulsion. It's meeting someone totally nice enough and realizing fifteen minutes in that you just don't "click." No concrete reason, no fatal flaw, but no - nothing. And 15 minutes in you realize you have two hours of pleasant and slightly awkward conversation left just to get to exactly where you both know this is going. Which is back home alone to either masturbate or try to drown out the sound of your room-mates having sex, not knowing which is more depressing. Really, you're left just slightly more down than before you got there, but no real worse, and wondering whether your friends have as good a sense of your personality and taste as you thought. The whole thing can be a little demoralizing.

But no blind date can compare to the worst first date I have ever been on.

Quick background - my ex dumped me about six minutes after arriving at her house for Christmas Eve and then took off for three weeks to a foreign country. Finally picking myself out of the basement a week or two later after watching three seasons of Smallville in a semi-catatonic state (you know you're in bad emotional shape when you're a 22 year old guy seeking a CW show for comfort, Superman or no) I headed back out into the world.

My friend Barky and I went to Hard Tim's one night out here in College Park, where we had an incredibly pretty waitress. And in a move totally unlike me in most respects, I started to flirt with her. And she seemed to be into it! I don't remember the exact reparte' but I know it involved making fun of Michael Jackson until finally I had an opening - something had gone wrong with one of our orders (I think there was a dead fly in my wine). So I did what I never do and said something to the effect that instead of complaining and getting another glass of wine I'd rather just get her number. She turned as red as the wine, her boss made fun of her, and I got new wine so I thought that was the end of that. Worth the shot simply for not being afraid of the answer.

When we finally left, John pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket.
"When you went to the bathroom, she said not to give this to you until you left."
Name and number. Well holy shit.

So we went on a date and it was the total opposite of what I described before. It was a lot of fun, and she was really cool - we clicked. There were awkward silences, but the good kind - the 'what's going to happen next' kind. It ended up being so cool I invited her to a friend's party later that night. In the meantime - we went back to my place, we went back to her place, we made out, made plans to see a play together. This was pretty cool.

Then we get to the party and she proceeds to get drunk. Not just a little drunk, but really drunk. Pull a bottle of wine out of her purse, finish it, and then go out and buy another drunk. Which is cool - it's a party, and people want to have a good time. It's a little odd for a first date, but she's really comfortable with me and my friends. That's great. Now - I won't hook up with anyone who's been drinking unless I'm already deep in a commited relationship with them. And that's for a few reasons. The main one is I'm never drunk, and I will NEVER take advantage of someone - or even risk the possibility or the appearance. No way. Nu uh. Never. And two - I really don't want anyone to wake up and think of me as a regret. Save that for another loser who just wants to get laid. I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me. So the heavy drinking kind of changed the nature of where I thought the night might go - but who cares. It was a good night, plenty of time for other stuff in the maybe future.

But where things got weird is that the drunker she got, the more uncomfortable she got with the fact that I wasn't drinking. And I'm not talking about the understandable 'I feel bad cause I'm drinking and you're not and you should too so I don't look like a fool by myself or leave you out," or what have you. I'm talking really sketched and more than a little upset that I'm not getting out of my gourd. Now - I don't drink. I'll have a drink, and even that's relatively new. But I've been drunk twice in my life and I see no guarantee it'll happen again. She keeps saying 'drink" and I politely say 'no thanks' and at first it's cute but after awhile it gets real old. She's literally pouring more and more liquid into my glass and I'm pawning it off on friends.

She can barely stand at this point and says, hurt - "I thought you drank."

"No. Is that a problem?"

"I don't trust people who don't drink."


Big cute smile - "One day, we'll have to have the conversation about why you don't drink, and I do all the time. "

Well, that's weird.

Time passes and she is blitzed beyond blitzen - sometimes looking really angrilly at me and sometimes being all close and cuddly and I'm just not feeling too great about the whole thing anymore when she says, "We never had that conversation."

Really? You meant tonight? O-kay...
And so without going into details, she tells me that she spent a semester abroad and while she was there she had a boyfriend and he had a friend and they all lived together. And when the boyfriend would leave the friend took advantage of her. To deal with that she started drinking every night and hadn't stopped. And of course - this terrible excuse for a human being 'friend' - not a drinker.
And she just smiles.

I have no idea what to do. This girl has basically just told me she's an alcoholic coping with terrible abuse problems, and I want to help somehow. But I barely know her. This is our first date. And I'm not over my ex at ALL yet - I can't possibly try and handle any of that right now. But I can't just peace - that's terrible. And I do like her, and would like to be friends. So I got nothing.

I head upstairs to talk to a friend and when I come down 5-10 minutes later she's crying.
"Take me home."
Okay, definitely. Good plan, I had thought of that myself. Are you okay? Lets get your coat - She keeps pushing me away really angry.
We step out the front door - Vomit. Loads of vomit.

Then in the distance some guy starts laughing totally unrelated, and this girl thinks it's about her. So she runs off and tries to fight him.
I break that up and we head to my car and she's apologizing over and I over for throwing up (not the fight) and I say it's okay and she says
"I don't usually get this drunk, I just haven't taken any drugs today."

I'm sorry, what?

Turns out she gets an illegal shipment of aderol which curbs the drunkeness but she ran out and she'll be good again on Wed. Oh - and she was a little drunk when we met up for coffee earlier at like 3.

After all that we're in the car when she turns to me with this suspicious look
"You said you were an atheist."


"But you're Jewish?"


"How does that work?"

"Well - Judaism is both a religion and a culture and I'm religiously atheist but culturally Jewish."

*slight pause*

And then she says -
"Well maybe you can tell me why the Jews are trying to take over this campus."


I repeat -

I can deal with abuse that leads to alcoholism that leads t0 the drugs as some sort of logical progression, but what the fuck was that?
Remember - still first date.

This girl can barely move under her own power but she can now go on some anti-semitic rant about the Jews trying to take control of the UMD campus and so she does. Oh yes she does. The whole ride home.

When I finally get her there I want to make sure I see her to her room so she doesn't fall down a flight of stairs and kill herself. But there's a tow truck in her lot. So I drop her off and say 'wait here I'm gonna park around front and come right back.' She says - "Yeah, see you NEVER." and runs off after the tow truck guy. I double park and run as fast as I can back to the lot to see her in her car WITH THE IGNITION ON. I can't POSSIBLY let her leave - but as soon as I get there she smiles, ejects a cd, hands it to me and says "I made this for you."
Which as far as I know is just not possible given the sequence of events and the nature of time.

We get to her door - I say 'good night.'
She says "yeah, right" and slams the door in my face.

The next day I saw my ex for the first time in a month. I told her this whole story. We kissed. And within a week we were back together.


Daniel said...

"Which as far as I know is just not possible given the sequence of events and the nature of time."

Nope. Doesn't sound like it.

In the words of Eric Schinzer, "crazybitch."

Andrew Stiles said...

THIS is by far one of THE BEST anecdotes i've ever heard. I laughed for 20 minutes. Good show that it worked out in the end. Lets keep the fingers crossed.

Jason Heat said...

Yeah, about that...

That was the end to that story. Things didn't work out.

David Pratt said...

I'd hit it.

Daniel said...

ay, hit it don't quit it!

Jason Heat said...

You're all class, boys.

Damo said...

Jason. You live a charmed life. If you could turn HALF of your stories into formulaic buddy comedies you'd be richer than Gates and up to your who-who in really sweet, down to earth supermodels.

Kristy said...

that story was ridiculous. I enjoyed it very much.

Dialectric said...

Yeah. I don't which is more frightening... that I know it's true, that it doesn't surprise me. or that I am currently living anecdote after anecdote beside which this will pale in comparison. I want a cookie....

Ross Godwin said...

I loled

B.Graham said...

Man I forgot what a good post this was. Is.