Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Lamest Song Ever.

Yes. It's true. Drops of Jupiter by Train is the lamest song ever recorded. Ever. The Online Free Dictionary defines "lame" as "Weak and ineffectual; unsatisfactory." What can you think of that better fits this definition than Drops of Jupter? Musically? Nothing. Not nothing.

Let's take a look at this piece of music. We'll start at the top.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey. She acts like summer and walks like rain, reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey. Since the return from her stay on the moon, she listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

What? What the hell does that mean? Drops of Jupiter? When I first heard this song, I thought he was saying "drop some Jupiter." That sounds like some weird code for doing drugs. But that's not what he's saying. I think he's implying that while flying through space, this girlfriend of his, or whatever she is, passed by Jupiter and accidentally got some of the planet's magic dust in her hair. Not only that, but this woman was somehow living on the moon, that's implied by "her stay on the moon." What the hell-no one can live on the moon. You can't breathe there. It's impossible. Look, I'm a fan of metaphor. But this is like, junior high school poetry class lame. And I challenge you to "act like summer and walk like rain." You know, act all hot and spit on people when you talk. Okay. Lame. Let's move on.

Tell me did you sail across the sun, did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded and that heaven is overrated? Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star, One without a permanent scar and did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there.


Wow. Okay. Let me just bring something up here.



Point it out to me, please. Point out where you could possibly have a scar a COMET. One that you could recogonize wihtout getting too close and BURNING YOUR FACE OFF. I get it-it's a metahpor. It's awful. And did you seriously lose your girlfriend to a comet? That's lame. You suck. And if heaven's letting you douches in, yes, it's overratted.

Lame.


I could go on, but I just want to highlight the bridge of this song, which is, maybe the most lame writing ever concieved by man. It is this song at the height of it's lameness.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken, your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong? Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation, the best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me.

Hey. I have an idea. I'm going to write a song full of metaphors that make no sense. Then, I'm going to drop all of them, and write an entire stanza that's just blunt, devoid of anything symbolic, and mentions a "soy latte." A soy latte. Huh. Hmmm. Okay. You fill in the blank. Also, please someone tell me what "freeze dried romance" is. Just drop me a comment and let me know. Because I don't think it's a metaphor. I don't think it's anything. I think most 4th graders write better poetry.

Not lame enough for you? Check out this gem-it's Pat Monahan, the guy who used to sing for Train. Because sometimes, you outgrow your old band. You gotta spread your wings. And explore new levels of lame. To infinity...lame.

5 comments:

Adam Z. Winer said...

??

I'll be honest Daniel... sounds like there's something deeper going on here. Something you're not telling us. Did something bad happen with this song playing in the background? Because there's a lot of lame songs out there and this is merely one of them.

Daniel said...

honestly, no. it just hit me one day when someone had it on. this song. it's so lame. like, SO lame.

Jason Heat said...

The fried chicken stanza is maybe the worst writing in the history of modern pop - this includes gems like 'my boo' and 'mmmbop'

Anonymous said...

maybe there is a deeper meaning. here look at it this way...its a about a girl who just got released from a human slavery ring...

Now that she's back in the atmosphere (back in a reality thats not as a sex slave), with drops of Jupiter in her hair (jizz), hey, hey. She acts like summer (hot) and walks like rain (wet and nasty), reminds me that there's time to change (back into not being a whore), hey, hey. Since the return from her stay on the moon (her sex booth in amsterdam), she listens like spring (a time of rebirth) and she talks like june (hot/humid i.e. shes got some halitosis from poor hygiene) , hey, hey

as for the fried chicken/soy latte thing...those are both things that you cannot eat as a sex slave.

Daniel said...

Schinzer?